(no subject)
two and a half more weeks and i am jetting off to another foreign land, and i hope it's going to be cool. i'm going to be doing a discipleship course and i'm probably going to be meeting many other canadians and americans. it will take approximately 5 to 6 months and quitting my job and leaving home to do so.
seeing the many kinds of poverty in india didn't shake my faith, not as much as people i consider to be my peers, chiding me for having expectations of God to actually act and move and speak in my life, or regarding the extraordinary as commonplace things. well, not so much as to shake my faith, but i find it discouraging, and i definately leave feeling a little less sure.
in addition to my reasoning, i am trying to listen to that sense within me if something is right or wrong, good or bad, or neutral. i still can't fully trust that feeling, since i still often feel emotionally conflicted at times, for reasons unknown to me. is it just another one of those times where i feel crappy for feeling crappy's sake, or is it that inner witness gently tugging me away from that thought, those words, that person, or that decision? that is where the 'fine-tuning' comes in i suppose, where experientially, i become more and more acquainted by the fine distinctions between my voice and God's.
i was just thinking that the focus of my writing has changed so much. at times i will feel the anguish of loneliness from a love lost, particularly when i am at work. or just having that longing to talk to someone, about things that i can't find the words to, but having not a single person i know that fits the bill, heh, particularly when i am done for the day from wherever and driving home. i want to talk to people about my walk with God. when i write, this is what i end up writing about, i think because subconsciously, i feel like it is the most noteworthy thing in my life to write about. and it's all good things. i don't discuss my internal struggles so much anymore, not to paint any kind of misleading picture like everything is always rosy, but i feel now that this information is not for everyone, but only for the select few closest to my heart. and i'm finding now that more often than not, the only person that really fits this bill is God, and then perhaps i may bounce it off of a select one or two others. that's better than last year too.
the new guy at work is cute actually. he smiles a lot and has nice teeth and clear, hazel eyes. Ha, so silly.
I want to find better than what I had, in every sense. It would be a dream come true. I want to be better than who I was, in every sense, that person that God thought of when my days were as of yet none. And I know that person's out-of-this-world-amazing, living a life of equal calibre. i think i'm getting there. i've already done a few things i never ever thought i could do. i want this path to unfold into a life that i never thought i could live.
seeing the many kinds of poverty in india didn't shake my faith, not as much as people i consider to be my peers, chiding me for having expectations of God to actually act and move and speak in my life, or regarding the extraordinary as commonplace things. well, not so much as to shake my faith, but i find it discouraging, and i definately leave feeling a little less sure.
in addition to my reasoning, i am trying to listen to that sense within me if something is right or wrong, good or bad, or neutral. i still can't fully trust that feeling, since i still often feel emotionally conflicted at times, for reasons unknown to me. is it just another one of those times where i feel crappy for feeling crappy's sake, or is it that inner witness gently tugging me away from that thought, those words, that person, or that decision? that is where the 'fine-tuning' comes in i suppose, where experientially, i become more and more acquainted by the fine distinctions between my voice and God's.
i was just thinking that the focus of my writing has changed so much. at times i will feel the anguish of loneliness from a love lost, particularly when i am at work. or just having that longing to talk to someone, about things that i can't find the words to, but having not a single person i know that fits the bill, heh, particularly when i am done for the day from wherever and driving home. i want to talk to people about my walk with God. when i write, this is what i end up writing about, i think because subconsciously, i feel like it is the most noteworthy thing in my life to write about. and it's all good things. i don't discuss my internal struggles so much anymore, not to paint any kind of misleading picture like everything is always rosy, but i feel now that this information is not for everyone, but only for the select few closest to my heart. and i'm finding now that more often than not, the only person that really fits this bill is God, and then perhaps i may bounce it off of a select one or two others. that's better than last year too.
the new guy at work is cute actually. he smiles a lot and has nice teeth and clear, hazel eyes. Ha, so silly.
I want to find better than what I had, in every sense. It would be a dream come true. I want to be better than who I was, in every sense, that person that God thought of when my days were as of yet none. And I know that person's out-of-this-world-amazing, living a life of equal calibre. i think i'm getting there. i've already done a few things i never ever thought i could do. i want this path to unfold into a life that i never thought i could live.