...i've found you find strength in your moments of weakness and for once i'm at peace with myself...
"Nothing lasts forever. So live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and NEVER have regrets, because at one point - what you did - was what you wanted..."
so, this is 3 weekends in a row spent in bluefield. how incredibly unheard of? for some reason, i'm finding myself staying here because of the relationships that i am continuing to build as the days continue to fly by. i am so grateful for all of these new friends, and new situations that we find ourselves getting in. i love it. i love being around these people who seem to bring out the best in me. i haven't felt this way about this place in, well, forever, and it's good. but at the same time, it scares me. like i said in my last entry, i'm scared of getting comfortable with feeling okay about things, because right when i'm finally satisfied and ready to start accepting my life again, i'm thrown another curve ball. but i can't live my life worrying about what tomorrow is going to bring. if i've learned anything through all of these deaths i've encountered, it's to live for today, because you never know what tomorrow will bring, if it even gets the opportunity to bring anything. i'm trying not to take anything for granted, including these friendships, my family, even being in this place. in order to get through this crazy thing called life, we all have to stick together, smile more often, laugh all the time, love without ceasing, not be afraid to cry, make everyday count for something good, and enjoy every moment spent alive, because it's a gift.
hahahaha... i'll step off my soap box now... i guess thats what sitting in a F R E E Z I N G computer lab will do to you... make you loopy and make you feel good about everything in life. something's wrong with my computer. we thought it was the harddrive, so dell sent me a new one, but that didn't seem to be the problem. now we think it's the motherboard, which probably means we'll have to send the whole thing to dell and it'll probably take years and i'll still be living in the computer lab for a while. you guys know how i am about my computer. so its frustrating, but it's okay, i'll get over it... slowly but surely.
so i did my scheduling for next semester. i have 1 MWF class from 9-9:50 and then i have 4 classes on T/TH and an online sociology class. it shouldn't be too bad. i'm just excited about my one class on MWF. and it's philosophy, which means it doesn't have a lab, so i'm hardcore gonna be havin' good MWF's. and if i decide to take roadtrips to visit all you crazy kids at JMU and UVA and wherever else, i'll be able to do it a lot earlier! yay!
i miss my sissy. i can't wait to hang out with her over thanksgiving. she's one crazy child. i can't believe she's 16. it seems like yesterday we were running around grandma's house, or pushing each other down on mom and dad's water bed, or she was eating dandilions when all of the family from new jersey came down. too funny. i love that little girl. she'll always be my sissy.
speaking of sisters, tomorrow will be 2 months since jess passed away. i still can't believe it. my heart is still and will always be broken for that girl. i've learned so much about life and love from her. she had such dedication to everyone and everything. it's still so surreal, i can't believe she's gone. life will never be the same again. i hope and pray everyday that we won't ever forget her amazing love, her beautiful smile and her wonderful heart.
[if you were with me tonight, i'd sing to you just one more time, a song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live...]
[may angels lead you in...]
that is the absolute truth. her heart was so big. for everyone and everything. and that's what i'm gonna miss the most. the love, and the kind words and that smile. god, i'm going to miss that smile. she was loved. i pray that now she's in heaven, she realizes how much she was loved, and will always be loved. my heart goes out to brian. i think about that boy all the time. i think about him when he wakes up to another day after another night spent without her. i think about lauren, steph, carly and erin when they sit around their living room and one of their 169ers isn't there. i think about the synchro team, and the void that is present in their locker room, and their practice time, and in their team. i think about jeff, joyce, jeffrey and jonnie, and how broken their hearts must be. and i think about my mom, and how i know everytime she looks at that pool and coaches those girls, she thinks about jess. and when i think about her, i smile. i smile because that's what she deserves. she deserves the happy memories of the good times with the people she loves. she deserves our dedication to her memory. she deserves the best from all of us, and that's exactly what she's going to get. Yesterday, today, now, forever and always.
[you're in a better place, i've heard a thousand times, and at least a thousand times i've rejoiced for you, but the reason why i'm broken, the reason why i cry, is how long must i wait to be with you... i close my eyes and i see your face, if home's where my heart is then i'm out of place, lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, i've never been more homesick than now.
help me lord, cause i don't understand your ways, the reason why i wonder if i'll ever know, but even if you show me, the hurt would be the same, cause i'm still here so far away from home.
in christ there are no goodbyes, and in christ there is no end, so i'll hold on to jesus with all that i have to see you again...
and i close my eyes and i see your face, if home's where my heart is then i'm out of place, lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
i've never been more homesick than now...]