(no subject)
It's taken me a long time to get where I am.
To just get the point of confidence in myself. When I was big.. I never wanted to do anything that drew attention to myself. I already saw myself as emberrasing enough, I didnt want to add anymore to it. The only words that came out of my mouth were smart-ass remarks, just to make someone feel as horrible as I did.. or atleast try to.
Now.. i'm so different. Yes I still make the smart-ass remarks, but now it's more out of Who I Am. But I am honestly happy with myself.. I see myself as a beautiful young woman with curves, and I love it. I love the way I look. I love my hips.. my ass.. my everything (except my boobs.. they could be a little bigger.) but you get my point...
I realized tonight that all my life i've wanted someone, to be with someone. And after my ex and I broke up, I thought there was no way my life could possibly go on without him. that there was no way anyone else would want me.. but I was wrong.
Losing him.. made me lose value in myself. I no longer saw myself as attractive. Yes I had guys hit on me.. but it wasnt the same. So I played on that.. I had sex with guys when I was horny.. I had sex when I was bored.. I had sex just for the hell of it. And that's the one thing in life I wish I could take back.. I set myself up to believe thats all I was. I was for sex and only sex.. and that it was all the guys would want out of me.
Well that's not far from the truth... a lot of guys i've dated were in it purely for the sex. It'd go so far as to have them call or IM me asking if we could fuck that night, and what they wanted to do to me.. is that supposed to make someone feel special? It make me sick to my stomach. I couldnt even bring myself to think of it.
To me.. sex is meant to be with someone special. Someone you share something with and that makes the sex 10 times better. But I went against everything I thought or believed. I became something I never wanted to be.. and I hate myself for it. But it's made me into a much stronger person.
Yes I still have my falls.. everyone does, some more than others. And i'm slowly pulling myself out of the constant belief that i'm not good for anything but sex. Because i'm better than that.. so much better. And it's taken me awhile to realize that, but im getting there.
Mom and I sat down at Steak and Shake tonight.. at about 1am and were talking. And we talked about my past.. I told her things she never knew. And the more we talked the more I realized that i'm happy with myself.. I don't need anyone or anything to define who I am. I don't need sex for someone to stay interested in me.. I don't need to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm exausted from looking.. and looking in all the wrong places. I am truly happy being single.. and i'm happy being me. I can't change who I am, so I migbt aswell accept it and move on. Finding myself and being confident in who I am is really the first step to being really happy. And I can sit here and look at myself and be happy with what I see.
I love my eyes.. my facial features. My figure.. my sizse 9 jeans.. my size B bra.. my wide birthing hips.. my chubby theighs.. my size 5'2 height.. everything. I am who I am and I wouldnt change anything.
I know when it's right.. and when i stop looking.. someone great will come along. Not someone all flirty with me just to get in my pants that night.. but someone actual genuine who gives a fuck about me.
Though I'll never find someone like my ex.. that's okay. There are things I do and don't miss about him.. and that will just help to judge the next guy I go for. My experiences.. good or bad, are what move me on to the next level. And I learn from them and grow and deal.. I cant change anything. When it happens.. it will happen. Until then i'm happy being myself and living my life for me, no one else.
To just get the point of confidence in myself. When I was big.. I never wanted to do anything that drew attention to myself. I already saw myself as emberrasing enough, I didnt want to add anymore to it. The only words that came out of my mouth were smart-ass remarks, just to make someone feel as horrible as I did.. or atleast try to.
Now.. i'm so different. Yes I still make the smart-ass remarks, but now it's more out of Who I Am. But I am honestly happy with myself.. I see myself as a beautiful young woman with curves, and I love it. I love the way I look. I love my hips.. my ass.. my everything (except my boobs.. they could be a little bigger.) but you get my point...
I realized tonight that all my life i've wanted someone, to be with someone. And after my ex and I broke up, I thought there was no way my life could possibly go on without him. that there was no way anyone else would want me.. but I was wrong.
Losing him.. made me lose value in myself. I no longer saw myself as attractive. Yes I had guys hit on me.. but it wasnt the same. So I played on that.. I had sex with guys when I was horny.. I had sex when I was bored.. I had sex just for the hell of it. And that's the one thing in life I wish I could take back.. I set myself up to believe thats all I was. I was for sex and only sex.. and that it was all the guys would want out of me.
Well that's not far from the truth... a lot of guys i've dated were in it purely for the sex. It'd go so far as to have them call or IM me asking if we could fuck that night, and what they wanted to do to me.. is that supposed to make someone feel special? It make me sick to my stomach. I couldnt even bring myself to think of it.
To me.. sex is meant to be with someone special. Someone you share something with and that makes the sex 10 times better. But I went against everything I thought or believed. I became something I never wanted to be.. and I hate myself for it. But it's made me into a much stronger person.
Yes I still have my falls.. everyone does, some more than others. And i'm slowly pulling myself out of the constant belief that i'm not good for anything but sex. Because i'm better than that.. so much better. And it's taken me awhile to realize that, but im getting there.
Mom and I sat down at Steak and Shake tonight.. at about 1am and were talking. And we talked about my past.. I told her things she never knew. And the more we talked the more I realized that i'm happy with myself.. I don't need anyone or anything to define who I am. I don't need sex for someone to stay interested in me.. I don't need to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm exausted from looking.. and looking in all the wrong places. I am truly happy being single.. and i'm happy being me. I can't change who I am, so I migbt aswell accept it and move on. Finding myself and being confident in who I am is really the first step to being really happy. And I can sit here and look at myself and be happy with what I see.
I love my eyes.. my facial features. My figure.. my sizse 9 jeans.. my size B bra.. my wide birthing hips.. my chubby theighs.. my size 5'2 height.. everything. I am who I am and I wouldnt change anything.
I know when it's right.. and when i stop looking.. someone great will come along. Not someone all flirty with me just to get in my pants that night.. but someone actual genuine who gives a fuck about me.
Though I'll never find someone like my ex.. that's okay. There are things I do and don't miss about him.. and that will just help to judge the next guy I go for. My experiences.. good or bad, are what move me on to the next level. And I learn from them and grow and deal.. I cant change anything. When it happens.. it will happen. Until then i'm happy being myself and living my life for me, no one else.