Balancing Equations [part ii]
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It's a vicious cycle.
For the next several weeks, a routine is followed.
Kyungsoo is an emotionless shell, his usually confused or embarrassed stare now blank, and his face devoid of any emotion.
Baekhyun diligently coaxes the younger boy into eating something during lunch break, to which the latter takes one spoonful of the cafeteria's gruel and one sip of his juice box before going into a state of silence again.
Joonmyun, traces of the happy, smiley boy being completely wiped out from existence and now a worried expression etched on his face, talks to Kyungsoo. He talks and talks and talks, and he's supposed to be used to the silence, the unresponsiveness that the younger boy usually rewards him with; but now, it's different.
Kyungsoo's not listening to him.
Chanyeol tries his best to lighten the mood, cracking jokes and making funny impressions of Ms. Lee and imitating Zitao's bbuing bbuing, but even Joonmyun, who laughs at practically anything Chanyeol says, can't spare a smile.
In fact, it was Joonmyun who stopped sitting at their table during lunch.
It was Joonmyun who stopped joining the conference calls that the group had every Friday night.
It was Joonmyun who stopped going to Kyungsoo's house every night to 'tutor' him, usually using the time to try and talk to the latter.
It was Joonmyun who stopped going to school.
It was Joonmyun who stopped talking to everyone.
It wasn't only Kyungsoo.
It was also Joonmyun who stopped being happy.
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“Do Kyungsoo,” Mr. Wu, the tall, Chinese chemistry teacher, approaches Kyungsoo reproachfully, fully aware of how lifeless and dead the boy has been lately. There was a hint of worry in his voice, but once it registered into Kyungsoo's brain, all the latter processes is a monotonous string of words, just like everything else he hears.
“Yes, Mr. Wu?” Kyungsoo deadpans, looking at the tall man with his blank expression. Mr. Wu winces because he was so used to the boy who blushes at everything and trips over nothing. He wasn't entirely fond of that boy, but that boy's better than this.
“I don't know if you've noticed,” Mr. Wu says slowly, making sure not to talk too fast in case the boy was only half listening. He did not like repeating himself. “but Kim Joonmyun has been gone for two weeks now.”
Something stirs within Kyungsoo at the mention of the name and he doesn't know what it is, but it dies down after a few seconds. “So?”
“I would appreciate it if you would bring him his homework,” Mr. Wu clears his throat, looking at Kyungsoo almost sadly. “He's one of my best students. It would pain me to see him fail my class because of his...absences.”
Kyungsoo's unresponsiveness is nerve-wracking, to say the least. He's just sitting there, staring at his teacher with empty eyes. Mr. Wu almost regrets even approaching the boy when Kyungsoo speaks up.
“Okay.”
Mr. Wu looks uncertainly at Kyungsoo, before breaking out into a sincere smile. “Here's his address.”
...
Kyungsoo walks wordlessly to Joonmyun's apartment. He stops every few minutes to look at the address and ask people passing by where he is currently, but other than that, he walks with a straight face and an empty feeling.
He didn't even know why he felt this way, why he felt so numb. Seeing Joonmyun with someone else when his heart was at its most vulnerable; it shattered his heart into tiny, jagged pieces. Instead of being left there though to give him pain, the pieces were thrown away, leaving an empty space where Kyungsoo's heart, love, Joonmyun, used to be.
He doesn't know if he's going to learn to love again, or if he's going to piece his broken heart together again.
There are no pieces left. That's why he feels nothing.
He looks for a door with the number 523 plastered on it, and when he does, he hesitates. His knuckles hover over the the door in an attempt to knock, but he stops abruptly when he sees weeks worth of newspapers piling up near the doorstep. Something clenches inside Kyungsoo's chest.
Has he been inside his apartment for two weeks?
He knocks, but there isn't any response. He knocks again, a little louder now, but he doesn't hear anything. No shuffling of clothes, no shifting of tables or things, nothing.
He frowns and reaches for the doorknob, half expecting it to be locked. When he twists the metal sphere though, the door opens without a hitch.
He steps inside and frowns almost instantly: the place smells of alcohol and dirty water, and the stench hits him like a baseball bat. His head hurts now, and he tries his best not to hurl.
“J-Joonmyun?” Kyungsoo calls out, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach forming as he takes in the sight of disarranged furniture, dirty laundry, and empty beer bottles littered everywhere. “Are you here?”
He hears a faint buzz coming from one of the rooms, makes it out to be coming from a television, and carefully walks over to the source of sound. The door is half open, and Kyungsoo, for the first time in a long time, feels very nervous. His palms are clammy, and there's cold sweat on his forehead. He wants to believe it's because of the nauseating stench, but he knows better.
This is how he felt when he first met Joonmyun.
He pushes the door open and steps inside, and he silently gasps at what he sees.
Joonmyun, the beautiful, amazing person he met several months ago, is laying on his bed; hair messy, eyes red and swelling, cheeks hollow, and hand holding a half-empty beer bottle.
Kyungsoo feels something clench in his chest again, and there's a stinging in his eyes as he approaches the older boy silently. When the older boy looks up at him with an expression that of a dying cancer patient, the stinging almost becomes unbearable and he starts trembling. Unless he actually doesn't feel anything, he was never good at hiding his emotions anyway.
“Kyung-” Joonmyun starts, his voice cracking and starts coughing violently. “K-Kyungsoo?”
“I-I,” Kyungsoo stutters, his lower lip shaking. “I b-brought you your homework.”
“You hurt me so much, you know,” Joonmyun says weakly, propping himself up onto the headboard to look at Kyungsoo with sad eyes. “You hurt me so much and you didn't even do anything.”
Kyungsoo stands there, not sure of what to do. He looks down, not wanting to meet the older boy's gaze. He didn't know how bad Joonmyun's taking it, and what's worse, he didn't even bother checking up on him. He dies a little bit inside when he hears Joonmyun speak up again with his strained, cracking voice, now sounding a lot worse.
“You literally didn't do anything. You just sat there and stopped,” Joonmyun let out a choked sob before continuing. “you just stopped being my friend.”
Kyungsoo is still standing, and has no plan of moving to sit down or to walk away, because Joonmyun's words had hit him like a ton of bricks and frozen him on the spot. He feels that clench in his chest again, now more painful, as Joonmyun continues to talk.
“You didn't even listen to me that day at the rooftop,” Joonmyun says, his voice thickening, and Kyungsoo takes it as a sign that Joonmyun is about to cry and Joonmyun never cries. “I told you how I've always known it was you who wrote those notes, because I know your handwriting by heart. And that I've been waiting for you to come, but the girl came up to confess to me so I just told her that I couldn't accept her because I was waiting for you but you wouldn't listen-”
“Hyung, I-”
“No! Let me finish!” Joonmyun shouts, and Kyungsoo looks up now because he can practically hear Joonmyun crying. He sees the tears finally flow from Joonmyun's eyes and onto his shirt, and he doesn't realize that he's crying too. “I tried to go after you, but I tripped and sprained my ankle, so I just called out your name as loud as I could, but you still wouldn't listen-”
Kyungsoo lets his eyes fall on Joonmyun's swollen foot, wrapped in a bandage but still looking very badly bruised, and he lets out a sob. Because of him, Joonmyun's in pain, both physically and emotionally; and he didn't even notice because he didn't listen.
“-so everyday, I talked to you because I wanted you to know that I did love you back, that I did feel the same way,” Joonmyun takes a swig of his beer and Kyungsoo promptly takes it away from the older boy. “I talked to you everyday, and everyday I'd tell you that I love you over and over again, but you still wouldn't listen!”
“I'm so-”
“I tried my b-best, Kyungsoo. I tried my best to make you listen,” Joonmyun bawls miserably, his eyes full of grief and sadness and Kyungsoo couldn't do anything but watch the older boy, the kind, amazing Mr. Perfect, break apart right in front of him. He can feel something heavy in his chest now, and that something hurts so fucking much that he clutches his shirt because of the pain. “but I couldn't walk anymore because my foot got worse, so I stopped going to school. My foot hurt like hell because I kept following you around, wanting you to be the awkward Kyungsoo you were before that listened to me, but my heart hurt even more because no matter how much I followed you, how much I tried to talk to you, you still wouldn't listen. How could you do that, Kyungsoo? Huh? How could you---MMPFF.”
Joonmyun is cut-off by a pair of soft lips clumsily crashing upon his own, muffled sobs escaping Kyungsoo's slightly parted lips. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and grips the older boy's shoulders, tasting Joonmyun in his mouth, and when he catches a faint taste of vanilla and menthol amongst the strong bitterness of the alcohol, he feels like he's meeting Joonmyun for the first time again, the time he accidentally shoved their things off the desk. He cries even more now, letting all the pent-up emotions he didn't know he had flow freely, and he feels a good kind of clench in his chest when Joonmyun smiles against his lips.
“I'm sorry,” Kyungsoo mumbles almost incoherently in between kisses, his lips still lingering over Joonmyun's chapped ones when he speaks. “I'm so sorry, don't cry anymore, please. I'm so sorry.”
“Kyung-”
“I love you, Kim Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo clings onto Joonmyun's torso, laying down with him and nuzzling into the crook of his neck, breathing in the older boy's distinctive scent. He didn't want to lose this scent anymore. He didn't want him to go away because of him, to get hurt because of him, to cry because of him because it terrifies him so much, imagining having to go through all this pain, all this hurt, all these tears, just because he wouldn't listen. He didn't want to lose Joonmyun. “I love you so much.”
Kyungsoo feels the vibration of Joonmyun's body as he laughs and wraps his arms around the younger boy's body, pulling him closer so that there wasn't a single gap between them now; both between their bodies, and between their hearts.
Kyungsoo feels his heart in his chest now, realizing that it was never broken or thrown away, and that Joonmyun was the only one who could give it back to him.
He promises himself to listen to Joonmyun, whether it be when the older boy is teaching him how to balance equations or describe molecular structures. He promises to listen when Joonmyun is talking about his day or his iguana. He promises himself to listen because hearing Joonmyun's laughter is worth more than an A in a chemistry exam or better food at the cafeteria. He promises himself to listen because he loves Joonmyun.
“Thank you,” Joonmyun whispers, burying his face in Kyungsoo's hair. “for listening.”
I love you.
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“Look who decided to show up,” Chanyeol comments, grinning at the sight of Joonmyun leaning against Kyungsoo as they walk towards their lunch table, looking lovingly at each other. “Guess you two have made up, yeah?”
Kyungsoo giggles as he helps Joonmyun sit down, setting the older boy's crutches aside. Joonmyun mutters a silent 'thank you' before kissing the younger boy on the lips. Baekhyun squirms uncomfortably in his seat, his ears and cheeks burning red.
“I'll go get your lunch,” Kyungsoo chimes, letting his fingers linger on Joonmyun's shoulder a bit longer than they should have, because hello, Baekhyun is right in front of them and he hates all mushy touchy fluffy things (except Chanyeol), before awkwardly skipping to the cafeteria queue.
“Oh, looks like they've more than just made up! Right, Baekhyunnie?” Chanyeol nudges a blushing Baekhyun with his shoulder and the latter lets out a little yelp.
“So,” Baekhyun starts, avoiding the rather embarrassing question and turning to Joonmyun. “How are you? Is your foot fine?”
“It's getting better,” Joonmyun smiles, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table. “I'm getting better. We're both getting better.”
Joonmyun laughs, and Baekhyun laughs with him because he's very happy everything's back to normal. He missed Kyungsoo being the awkward little dork they met back in kindergarten; and even though he hasn't known Joonmyun for long, he missed it when the older boy would smile and laugh at everything (even Chanyeol's retarded jokes), so saying he is just happy is an understatement, because he's just so fucking happy that he's full of hearts and rainbows and unicorns and-
“Did you fuck him?” Chanyeol blurts out, interrupting and probably permanently destroying Baekhyun's happiness. Joonmyun's eyes widen comically, and Baekhyun decides to take one for the team.
He stuffs his half-eaten cheeseburger into Chanyeol's huge, loud-ass mouth.
oh my god what the fuck did i just write
it's word vomit and i'm sorry if this sucks
it's just that
there aren't a lot of decent fics about joonmyun and kyungsoo so
i'm so sorry orz
and i love this pairing btw, because of reasons
i'm going to go die in hole now sobs
talk to me please? here's my tumblr and twitter
i liek when ppl talk to me cos i'm a lonely fart (◡‿◡✿)