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Finally, spring break has arrived. Just in time, Syracuse was becoming overwhelming. Just leaving the city for a bit has allowed me to unwind. Friday, when I came home, I met my dad in Rochester and we watched 300. What an awesome movie. So much action, so many vivid images. It was truly an epic movie, portraying Spartans as superheroes. The kind of people you want to be when you grow up. Very cool time. After the movie, I stopped at the hospital to see my mom and juggle for some of her patients. I went to three rooms and got to talk to some interesting people. I juggled for a Mennonite woman and her baby (the baby had cancer), an old guy named Al who used to rebuild vintage cars and Mr. and Mrs. Johnson who did dog shows. The Johnson couple was actually so impressed, they were offering their 18 and 20 year old daughters to me... literally. Said I should come see them on the weekend when they visit. Cute girls too. I felt good about that. I didn't do anything else Friday night, but that's okay, I was tired. Saturday I bummed around the house for a bit before going to the movies with Jared and Geoff to see The Number 23. Surprisingly good movie. We went to Denny's after that and it was like a freaking reunion. Jared, Geoff, Emily Ryan, Devin, Emily Newcomb-Smith, Dennis, Julie, Dan, Tara, Kelli and I were all at the coolest place to be between 10 and 4 on a weekend. Much talking, much laughing, much catching up. Since the NYC convention, I've been in a good spirit, willing to go out, have a good time with friends and enjoy myself. Last night was just another thing that made me feel even better. Just like everyone said, I have emerged from a mental disaster to be a stronger person in the end. I've still got a little way to go yet, but I'll get over that obstacle eventually.
I'm done with the grieving process, as detailed in an entry from a while ago. I no longer feel anger, denial, depression or the need to bargain. I'm in the acceptance phase. Feels good to not care if Kim dates other people, which I don't. She can be with Carl and that won't bother me. Not my problem anymore. Grieving is a natural process, whether you realize it is happening or not. That was something I wanted to experience. Most emotions happen whether you want them to or not also. I like the "good" emotions; happiness, sadness, frustration, pride (in moderation) and confidence are all what I would call good emotions. Stuff you shouldn't be ashamed to admit you have experienced. Things like greed, excessive pride, pain, jealousy and schadenfreud I think are ugly emotions. I have spent a good lump of time trying to only experience good emotions, believing the ugly ones should be avoided. I think the ugly emotions are what sets our species back, preventing us from truly rising above what is expected of us as humans. I got my first taste of jealousy recently and now I'm going through another ugly emotion. I really wish I didn't have to deal with it, but emotions cannot be stopped.
I feel inadequate. It's a feeling I have, not a belief, so that's a step in the right direction. I know, for a fact, that I'm talented, smart, funny and friendly, but being dumped is something that makes secure people feel insecure. I know that I tried as hard as I could to be a good person to Kim, but in the end, none of it mattered because I got dumped. What an ugly emotion indeed. I wish I didn't have to go through with it, but look at all the other shit I dealt with recently and I'm better now, so just add this to the list. No matter what people tell me, I will always consider the people Kim goes out with better than me. It's a simple ranking system, makes sense to me.
Although, being the smart guy that I am, I have come up with an analogy which works really well for this situation. It helps me cope with the feeling of inadequacy. Being in relationships is like the hunt for a job. We all start out at different times with our first job. Some people work at Wendy's fast food (first gf/bf), some people do a newspaper route (elementary school gf/bf) or some people find a summer internship (long term relationship). Most of the time, the first job you take doesn't turn into your career, but it gives you some life experience and a better chance to excel at your next job (being on time, making deadlines etc.). Some people change jobs 20 times before finding their career, the one job they want to do for the rest of their lives. The analogy goes deeper still. If you have a career, it doesn't mean you're set for life. Sometimes, people get downsized. No matter how good they are at their job, or how much they like it, they get fired because the job doesn't need them anymore. I feel like I had a job and due to a combination of not wearing the uniform and showing up late, I got fired. That job was not for me. I don't even want to work there anymore. I need to find another job now and hope I don't get fired. This has helped me with the feeling of inadequacy, because I know I still have the same set of skills to apply for my next job and now I have more job experience. Should be easier to get hired. I'm just not turning my resume into anyone at the moment.
Enough with the cryptic speak. I know that I'm a good person, able to be accepted by others. I just don't feel that way right now because of what happened. I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless, especially when I know it's untrue. The analogy helps me deal, but until I actually get better, I won't feel better. If I were a weaker, less moral person, I would go searching for a "slump-buster" a.k.a. someone to hump for a while to make me feel better about myself. Fortunately I would only feel worse if that happened, but I still need some kind of slump buster. Friends are doing a swell job telling me I'm worth their time and saying I'm doing a good job dealing with the break-up and as always, I thank them. There's just that little something which I feel is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm just gonna juggle until I find it.
I'm done with the grieving process, as detailed in an entry from a while ago. I no longer feel anger, denial, depression or the need to bargain. I'm in the acceptance phase. Feels good to not care if Kim dates other people, which I don't. She can be with Carl and that won't bother me. Not my problem anymore. Grieving is a natural process, whether you realize it is happening or not. That was something I wanted to experience. Most emotions happen whether you want them to or not also. I like the "good" emotions; happiness, sadness, frustration, pride (in moderation) and confidence are all what I would call good emotions. Stuff you shouldn't be ashamed to admit you have experienced. Things like greed, excessive pride, pain, jealousy and schadenfreud I think are ugly emotions. I have spent a good lump of time trying to only experience good emotions, believing the ugly ones should be avoided. I think the ugly emotions are what sets our species back, preventing us from truly rising above what is expected of us as humans. I got my first taste of jealousy recently and now I'm going through another ugly emotion. I really wish I didn't have to deal with it, but emotions cannot be stopped.
I feel inadequate. It's a feeling I have, not a belief, so that's a step in the right direction. I know, for a fact, that I'm talented, smart, funny and friendly, but being dumped is something that makes secure people feel insecure. I know that I tried as hard as I could to be a good person to Kim, but in the end, none of it mattered because I got dumped. What an ugly emotion indeed. I wish I didn't have to go through with it, but look at all the other shit I dealt with recently and I'm better now, so just add this to the list. No matter what people tell me, I will always consider the people Kim goes out with better than me. It's a simple ranking system, makes sense to me.
Although, being the smart guy that I am, I have come up with an analogy which works really well for this situation. It helps me cope with the feeling of inadequacy. Being in relationships is like the hunt for a job. We all start out at different times with our first job. Some people work at Wendy's fast food (first gf/bf), some people do a newspaper route (elementary school gf/bf) or some people find a summer internship (long term relationship). Most of the time, the first job you take doesn't turn into your career, but it gives you some life experience and a better chance to excel at your next job (being on time, making deadlines etc.). Some people change jobs 20 times before finding their career, the one job they want to do for the rest of their lives. The analogy goes deeper still. If you have a career, it doesn't mean you're set for life. Sometimes, people get downsized. No matter how good they are at their job, or how much they like it, they get fired because the job doesn't need them anymore. I feel like I had a job and due to a combination of not wearing the uniform and showing up late, I got fired. That job was not for me. I don't even want to work there anymore. I need to find another job now and hope I don't get fired. This has helped me with the feeling of inadequacy, because I know I still have the same set of skills to apply for my next job and now I have more job experience. Should be easier to get hired. I'm just not turning my resume into anyone at the moment.
Enough with the cryptic speak. I know that I'm a good person, able to be accepted by others. I just don't feel that way right now because of what happened. I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless, especially when I know it's untrue. The analogy helps me deal, but until I actually get better, I won't feel better. If I were a weaker, less moral person, I would go searching for a "slump-buster" a.k.a. someone to hump for a while to make me feel better about myself. Fortunately I would only feel worse if that happened, but I still need some kind of slump buster. Friends are doing a swell job telling me I'm worth their time and saying I'm doing a good job dealing with the break-up and as always, I thank them. There's just that little something which I feel is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm just gonna juggle until I find it.