It's been the worst two days of my life
After I called my mom last night, she was so worried about my condition that she drove two hours today, did nothing else during her day, just to come visit me in Syracuse and make me the center of attention and buy things for me. While she was here, I felt really great. I didn't say a thing about Kim even though I still thought about her. I got new shoes, which is good, because of the hole I was wearing in my old ones. The only problem with today is that I didn't talk about how I'm going to get over Kim. I think I need to talk about her, or at least write about how I feel because if I don't, then I'll just be brooding. I still feel sick and I really get nauseous when I think about Kim's new situation, but I have to get over that. She's done with me. Gone forever. Get it out of your head.
I did a fair bit of bargaining today. I would imagine sitting down with Kim and telling her all these things I'd want to tell her. I'd show up with a huge bouquet of flowers, tell her I want nothing more than to make her happy and apologize for all the things I didn't do during our first months together. I say different things each time I think about this daydream, but then reality hits me and I feel like throwing up again. If I really showed up to her place with flowers, I'd probably have the flowers thrown at me and Kim would shout at me to leave her alone. Nothing will work on her anymore. I had my chance to be a good boyfriend and I failed miserably. She says that I just haven't had enough girlfriends and therefore was inexperienced in how to deal with girls. I didn't want Kim to be a practice run, I wanted her to be the real thing. Ever since the first talk we had where she wanted a break, all I wanted to do was prove that I wanted to make things better. OK, so maybe I didn't pay for the first date like I was supposed to and maybe I never fixed a candlelight dinner at my apartment, but now that I know what to do, I want to start over again and make her know that I care and I want to do what makes her happy. She never gave me that chance. I know it seems like I've been being nicer to her because I'm on "the outs" and I'm trying to recover, but my attempts to show her compassion and kindness were thrown back in my face with anger. She was pissed on the night that I brought tea to her when she was sick, because I did something nice for her. No other reason. Why wouldn't she say "Well... that was a nice thing, maybe Joe is learning what I'm teaching him, why not talk to him and see if he's dedicated to this relationship again". If she was telling the truth, we were once in love with each other. Why couldn't that happen again? We never had the chance to discover one another once again. Only one more date, one more night out with her...
I just realized that last paragraph was another bargain. Me trying to reach out to a person who doesn't want to hear it anymore. She's on a ski trip right now having fun with her new boyfriend. I'm still holding onto something that isn't there anymore. The more I think of her the sicker I get. I need to stop that.
Let's talk about me for a second. I'm not doing too well. Other than unintentionally thinking about Kim, I'm in the worst mood I've ever been in. Think about it, Kim broke up with me because I was a worthless boyfriend. Where's the confidence in myself to recover from a shot like that? The thing I love doing the most, juggling, relies completely on confidence. If you feel like you can do a seven ball run for 100 catches, then it happens. I tried juggling tonight, I dropped everything and I just stopped because I was so frustrated. How am I going to meet another girl anytime soon if I have no confidence in myself? The only girl who has loved me walked out and she's already with someone else. I bet the new guy is a good boyfriend, already bought her something nice, already making her feel special, like a good boyfriend should. I feel like there's so much unfinished business, though, but how am I supposed to even confront her about it? She can walk all over me when we talk. She just has to say "You're a sack of shit, Joe, just go away" and how can I say no? How can I believe her when she says I'm a great guy? If I was great, why wouldn't she stay with me or give me another chance? I'm worthless and unimportant. Everyone around me has so much going for them... I'm just a loser with a stupid hobby. What is so unique or special about me? I'm another face in the crowd, nothing at all to get excited or attracted to.
When is she going to stop haunting me?
I did a fair bit of bargaining today. I would imagine sitting down with Kim and telling her all these things I'd want to tell her. I'd show up with a huge bouquet of flowers, tell her I want nothing more than to make her happy and apologize for all the things I didn't do during our first months together. I say different things each time I think about this daydream, but then reality hits me and I feel like throwing up again. If I really showed up to her place with flowers, I'd probably have the flowers thrown at me and Kim would shout at me to leave her alone. Nothing will work on her anymore. I had my chance to be a good boyfriend and I failed miserably. She says that I just haven't had enough girlfriends and therefore was inexperienced in how to deal with girls. I didn't want Kim to be a practice run, I wanted her to be the real thing. Ever since the first talk we had where she wanted a break, all I wanted to do was prove that I wanted to make things better. OK, so maybe I didn't pay for the first date like I was supposed to and maybe I never fixed a candlelight dinner at my apartment, but now that I know what to do, I want to start over again and make her know that I care and I want to do what makes her happy. She never gave me that chance. I know it seems like I've been being nicer to her because I'm on "the outs" and I'm trying to recover, but my attempts to show her compassion and kindness were thrown back in my face with anger. She was pissed on the night that I brought tea to her when she was sick, because I did something nice for her. No other reason. Why wouldn't she say "Well... that was a nice thing, maybe Joe is learning what I'm teaching him, why not talk to him and see if he's dedicated to this relationship again". If she was telling the truth, we were once in love with each other. Why couldn't that happen again? We never had the chance to discover one another once again. Only one more date, one more night out with her...
I just realized that last paragraph was another bargain. Me trying to reach out to a person who doesn't want to hear it anymore. She's on a ski trip right now having fun with her new boyfriend. I'm still holding onto something that isn't there anymore. The more I think of her the sicker I get. I need to stop that.
Let's talk about me for a second. I'm not doing too well. Other than unintentionally thinking about Kim, I'm in the worst mood I've ever been in. Think about it, Kim broke up with me because I was a worthless boyfriend. Where's the confidence in myself to recover from a shot like that? The thing I love doing the most, juggling, relies completely on confidence. If you feel like you can do a seven ball run for 100 catches, then it happens. I tried juggling tonight, I dropped everything and I just stopped because I was so frustrated. How am I going to meet another girl anytime soon if I have no confidence in myself? The only girl who has loved me walked out and she's already with someone else. I bet the new guy is a good boyfriend, already bought her something nice, already making her feel special, like a good boyfriend should. I feel like there's so much unfinished business, though, but how am I supposed to even confront her about it? She can walk all over me when we talk. She just has to say "You're a sack of shit, Joe, just go away" and how can I say no? How can I believe her when she says I'm a great guy? If I was great, why wouldn't she stay with me or give me another chance? I'm worthless and unimportant. Everyone around me has so much going for them... I'm just a loser with a stupid hobby. What is so unique or special about me? I'm another face in the crowd, nothing at all to get excited or attracted to.
When is she going to stop haunting me?