(no subject)
I've only been out of college a few months...well six months now...and I already feel so much pressure of figuring out my life. Is there really a need to feel settled? I think the one thing I have always wanted my whole life was security. I think the general majority of kids feel secure and set and get more nervous when they have to go off to college or get a real job. I don't think I ever felt secure with my situation, life, family, friends, anything ever in my whole life. I have had a great many time with a great many people....but I've only ever relied on myself and only ever trusted myself and I wanted more then anything to be given the chance to do my own thing because I had already been doing my own thing emotionally for as long as I could remember. I wish I could just look forward to the fact that I could do or have anything right now...and instead, what I desire most is security and some sense of stability. I want to travel around and waste money and time and fly by the seat of my pants...but can't I have that and feel emotionally secure?
Even growing up a part of a big family, I always felt lost. Only the past couple of years have I at least connected with my sister...but the lonliness of not relating to or being related to really feels like its taking a toll lately. Most of the time, I make my life as simple as possible...eliminating the need for extra (posessions, time, money, emotion, etc). And other times I break down and bring on the emotional and thought overload.
I am finally starting to break down that wall I put up with my weight gain. But my emotions are a little wacked because while most people feel more liberated with weight loss....I feel that with each pound I lose, I am becoming more introverted and vulnerable. I have always had confidence in myself and am incredibly happy with and feel lucky for what I think I have to offer...but my fear has always been what if no one else sees it? What if I really do change my life this time and eliminate the weight...I'm going to have to open up to people and trust them. I am confident in myself, but not in others.
You know what disgusts me? A woman at work who I get along with phenomenally and who always pretty much tried to get me to be her daughter in law (her son is so not my type), told me the other day that (in so many words) "wait until I lose that weight...men will be chasing me down the street because I'm so pretty." Sure, its true...of course I know that's how our society works. The idea that men will be like that neither shocks or upsets me...sex sells baby and I think its totally normal for men to be like that. What shocked and upset me was the way she made the statement meant she didn't know me at all. Did she really think that would be what I wanted? That's what I hoped for? To have men chasing me? I don't care if I have 1,000 or zero men after me...it's about who I find appealing as a person (and for the record, it won't be about their looks). How dare she imply that I should equate my self-worth with how many men I can attract. I've attracted quite a few with my normally heavy body! But that is not what its about for me... and I am so bothered by society.
CC and I said today how its so depressing for the do-gooder types that her and I truly are. We want more for the world, but we are at the age that we know it is pretty much hopeless. Because as normal as we would like to think we are...the rest of the majority of our society is ridiculous. Overspending, overindulging, plowing over people, lacking compassion, sincerity, and dignity. And I am absolutely not perfect...I have plenty wrong with me...but at least my wrongs aren't embaressingly and selfishly affecting other people.
I am at a point in my life where my parents no longer care about me...I am now in the stage where I am a burden and an annoyance and they've moved on with their lives. And because most of my closest friends are in very committed relationships, most married, they have their own world. Being single was something I insisted upon for years...and now it has made me realize that I have no one in my corner, no one looking out for me, no one to trust and rely on. I think I need to put my fears aside and start trusting people or I am going to let all this eat me up. I mean who doesn't fear being hurt? I know I'm not alone...but I've got to look out for myself until someone else starts to.
Even growing up a part of a big family, I always felt lost. Only the past couple of years have I at least connected with my sister...but the lonliness of not relating to or being related to really feels like its taking a toll lately. Most of the time, I make my life as simple as possible...eliminating the need for extra (posessions, time, money, emotion, etc). And other times I break down and bring on the emotional and thought overload.
I am finally starting to break down that wall I put up with my weight gain. But my emotions are a little wacked because while most people feel more liberated with weight loss....I feel that with each pound I lose, I am becoming more introverted and vulnerable. I have always had confidence in myself and am incredibly happy with and feel lucky for what I think I have to offer...but my fear has always been what if no one else sees it? What if I really do change my life this time and eliminate the weight...I'm going to have to open up to people and trust them. I am confident in myself, but not in others.
You know what disgusts me? A woman at work who I get along with phenomenally and who always pretty much tried to get me to be her daughter in law (her son is so not my type), told me the other day that (in so many words) "wait until I lose that weight...men will be chasing me down the street because I'm so pretty." Sure, its true...of course I know that's how our society works. The idea that men will be like that neither shocks or upsets me...sex sells baby and I think its totally normal for men to be like that. What shocked and upset me was the way she made the statement meant she didn't know me at all. Did she really think that would be what I wanted? That's what I hoped for? To have men chasing me? I don't care if I have 1,000 or zero men after me...it's about who I find appealing as a person (and for the record, it won't be about their looks). How dare she imply that I should equate my self-worth with how many men I can attract. I've attracted quite a few with my normally heavy body! But that is not what its about for me... and I am so bothered by society.
CC and I said today how its so depressing for the do-gooder types that her and I truly are. We want more for the world, but we are at the age that we know it is pretty much hopeless. Because as normal as we would like to think we are...the rest of the majority of our society is ridiculous. Overspending, overindulging, plowing over people, lacking compassion, sincerity, and dignity. And I am absolutely not perfect...I have plenty wrong with me...but at least my wrongs aren't embaressingly and selfishly affecting other people.
I am at a point in my life where my parents no longer care about me...I am now in the stage where I am a burden and an annoyance and they've moved on with their lives. And because most of my closest friends are in very committed relationships, most married, they have their own world. Being single was something I insisted upon for years...and now it has made me realize that I have no one in my corner, no one looking out for me, no one to trust and rely on. I think I need to put my fears aside and start trusting people or I am going to let all this eat me up. I mean who doesn't fear being hurt? I know I'm not alone...but I've got to look out for myself until someone else starts to.