IC journal post
I'm going to admit something twisted, something that scares me.
It's shit I can't get out of my head since something Ismae said last night... I don't even know what effect she intended it to have on me, all I know is that I can't stop hearing it in my head... I hear it in her voice and then in his and then in hers and then in his again...
I hate them for judging me. It must be so easy to sit in judgment of us, the ones the Lich raised. It must be so easy sitting there in their warm skin, calling us monsters, servants, calling us weak.
We died for them. All of us. He chose us on purpose - not only for our proven strength on the battlefield, but also to demoralize his opponents, to make them face their own soldiers, their own leaders, in battle.
They will never understand the power of the Lich's control. I am fighting to make sure they never will.
He overpowered me body and soul. How do you explain how absolute that is?
How many layers do we put between our souls and the world, how many walls do we erect over our life to protect it? Even the ones we love and trust most, don't we keep parts of ourselves secret and private even from them? Isn't there always at least a little piece of us that will always be our own, that no one can take or touch?
I had no defense against the Lich. No secret, no safe place I could retreat inside myself. When he spoke inside me, his voice was my voice. Kill them. Destroy everything. Bow before your King. There was nothing left in me that could question. I was his slave. He said kneel and my body was on its knees.
How dare Ismae use that as a weapon against me, to hurt me. Hurt me for what, even? Why would she ever say that to me at all, let alone for no apparent good reason. Get on your knees like you did for Arthas? Is that really what she sees when she looks at me? Of every person who's looked at me, spoken to me, ignored me, she has been one of the only people to treat me like a fully sentient and worthwhile being. I trusted that she meant it...
How dare anyone judge me for kneeling to the Lich? How dare they blame me for something over which I had no control? I didn't walk up to the Lich and ask to enlist. I was dead and then I was screaming and in chains and then there was no "I" at all, only Arthas' voice whispering Mine.
It makes me hate them. How dare they betray me, turn on their own defenders? They'll let us die for them, but won't help us, even accept us, when we need them?
It puts thoughts in my head that this time are purely my own creation, which ring echoes of the words once put there by someone else.
Maybe they do deserve to die. Maybe creation itself is ugly. Maybe we are better off dead. Maybe I do want to make them suffer what I've suffered.
Maybe he was righ
I didn't want to be a monster. I just wanted to be Diederich again. In my head, that's all I am. Diederich.
But my family recognized immediately that I am not Diederich. I am a monster, and Diederich is dead. I didn't want to believe it. They tried to tell me but I didn't understand it, or didn't want to.
I gave up Diederich's name. I gave up Diederich's family. But I didn't (wouldn't?) fully accept the truth.
I needed to give up Diederich.
It's shit I can't get out of my head since something Ismae said last night... I don't even know what effect she intended it to have on me, all I know is that I can't stop hearing it in my head... I hear it in her voice and then in his and then in hers and then in his again...
I hate them for judging me. It must be so easy to sit in judgment of us, the ones the Lich raised. It must be so easy sitting there in their warm skin, calling us monsters, servants, calling us weak.
We died for them. All of us. He chose us on purpose - not only for our proven strength on the battlefield, but also to demoralize his opponents, to make them face their own soldiers, their own leaders, in battle.
They will never understand the power of the Lich's control. I am fighting to make sure they never will.
He overpowered me body and soul. How do you explain how absolute that is?
How many layers do we put between our souls and the world, how many walls do we erect over our life to protect it? Even the ones we love and trust most, don't we keep parts of ourselves secret and private even from them? Isn't there always at least a little piece of us that will always be our own, that no one can take or touch?
I had no defense against the Lich. No secret, no safe place I could retreat inside myself. When he spoke inside me, his voice was my voice. Kill them. Destroy everything. Bow before your King. There was nothing left in me that could question. I was his slave. He said kneel and my body was on its knees.
How dare Ismae use that as a weapon against me, to hurt me. Hurt me for what, even? Why would she ever say that to me at all, let alone for no apparent good reason. Get on your knees like you did for Arthas? Is that really what she sees when she looks at me? Of every person who's looked at me, spoken to me, ignored me, she has been one of the only people to treat me like a fully sentient and worthwhile being. I trusted that she meant it...
How dare anyone judge me for kneeling to the Lich? How dare they blame me for something over which I had no control? I didn't walk up to the Lich and ask to enlist. I was dead and then I was screaming and in chains and then there was no "I" at all, only Arthas' voice whispering Mine.
It makes me hate them. How dare they betray me, turn on their own defenders? They'll let us die for them, but won't help us, even accept us, when we need them?
It puts thoughts in my head that this time are purely my own creation, which ring echoes of the words once put there by someone else.
Maybe they do deserve to die. Maybe creation itself is ugly. Maybe we are better off dead. Maybe I do want to make them suffer what I've suffered.
Maybe he was righ
I didn't want to be a monster. I just wanted to be Diederich again. In my head, that's all I am. Diederich.
But my family recognized immediately that I am not Diederich. I am a monster, and Diederich is dead. I didn't want to believe it. They tried to tell me but I didn't understand it, or didn't want to.
I gave up Diederich's name. I gave up Diederich's family. But I didn't (wouldn't?) fully accept the truth.
I needed to give up Diederich.