(no subject)
Its like being at a show, say, EITS, and Munuf is banging his head against the ground, and strumming his guitar like his life depended on it, solely out of passion, and you feel this connect, this great sync. And you look around, and you see the wall of Berlin. And you see the people making the wall higher, because they do not want to be on your side, they don’t enjoy this great music, they want to block it out. So why did they come to the show? For the atmosphere? To meet people? To put on some “indie” façade? I mean, granted the wall is just a metaphor, but its evident. I run into it everyday.
It’s the Christian façade, and I am stuck on the wrong side of the wall, and it tears me apart, and I felt it all yesterday, and I cried tears of remorse and regret and pain and jealousy, sadness. Oh but realizations! How good you are, if only you came quicker! Oh how I thank you for your appearance!
So, I sat there, and looked at the God fearing students I am surrounded by, and my heart split in two. What a joke. What a sad joke. But I shall not judge, because it is not my place! But to invest, should I? I am in need of investment. I am in need of a hope, a change, a great turnaround!
My mind and heart are on opposite sides of the wall. I have a rope with a ring and I am pulling my mind to my heart, but my mind is weak, desolate of my heart, and it pushes the rope away. It’s a constant battle, and I feel I only win when I am far away. And even then, it is like my mind has left, and my heart has taken over, and this is good! But there is no balance, and a balance will make it last.
So what does my mind want, and what does my heart want? My heart wants what is good for my mind. And my mind, it wants it all! Love, and truth, passion, music, laughter, happiness, security, confidence, belonging, knowledge, wisdom, acceptance.
And what does He want? He wants me, and my heart wants Him, and my mind wants Him, and my mind wants me! And I want my heart and my mind and Him. And I have them all, but some more than others, and I want Him the most. But I am in this place where I should not be and I am surrounded by people for a reason, but sometimes they bring me down! And so I am in this position, and I am not sure what to do, and I am weak!
And then I see you, and him, and them, and my heart is full. I am motivated, and I raise my hands, and I love from the bottom of my heart, and I am broken down by a relentless God. And I pray my heart would stay constant and my intimacy would be solidified, and my love would not run dry, and my desires and motivations, my passions and dreams, would stay the way they should. And that I would take risks, and be bold, and shout in public places, and desire His desires, and delve into His heart, not a bottle of whiskey or a bowl of smoke or fake love, or some short deemed success.
And then I pray for strength, because mine has been drained. There has been a dark cloud over my heart that has been darkening my mind. The sun, it does not move me like it used to. But the blue from the sky is turning my life around. Sometimes I smell the salt from the ocean when I am clearing the patio in Santa Barbara and I feel closer to the sun. Sometimes I lay in the grass by the library and feel its rays, and they create a stirring in my heart, but I am still sedentary. And then I feel You, and the sun is able to move me even on the rainiest of days. And when I feel you, I feel the world, and the people in it, and the pain, and the joy, and I want to lay down and soak it all up, and then I want to paint a picture and sing a song, and write a book! And I want to feel you all the time, and I want so much! But it does not matter what I want, and at this I laugh out loud! Because who am I to want? Unless it is You, and only You that I want, I shall not want a thing!
but the process of being at this mindset daily is so depleting. if only the world was on my side! help me to stay in this place Father.
It’s the Christian façade, and I am stuck on the wrong side of the wall, and it tears me apart, and I felt it all yesterday, and I cried tears of remorse and regret and pain and jealousy, sadness. Oh but realizations! How good you are, if only you came quicker! Oh how I thank you for your appearance!
So, I sat there, and looked at the God fearing students I am surrounded by, and my heart split in two. What a joke. What a sad joke. But I shall not judge, because it is not my place! But to invest, should I? I am in need of investment. I am in need of a hope, a change, a great turnaround!
My mind and heart are on opposite sides of the wall. I have a rope with a ring and I am pulling my mind to my heart, but my mind is weak, desolate of my heart, and it pushes the rope away. It’s a constant battle, and I feel I only win when I am far away. And even then, it is like my mind has left, and my heart has taken over, and this is good! But there is no balance, and a balance will make it last.
So what does my mind want, and what does my heart want? My heart wants what is good for my mind. And my mind, it wants it all! Love, and truth, passion, music, laughter, happiness, security, confidence, belonging, knowledge, wisdom, acceptance.
And what does He want? He wants me, and my heart wants Him, and my mind wants Him, and my mind wants me! And I want my heart and my mind and Him. And I have them all, but some more than others, and I want Him the most. But I am in this place where I should not be and I am surrounded by people for a reason, but sometimes they bring me down! And so I am in this position, and I am not sure what to do, and I am weak!
And then I see you, and him, and them, and my heart is full. I am motivated, and I raise my hands, and I love from the bottom of my heart, and I am broken down by a relentless God. And I pray my heart would stay constant and my intimacy would be solidified, and my love would not run dry, and my desires and motivations, my passions and dreams, would stay the way they should. And that I would take risks, and be bold, and shout in public places, and desire His desires, and delve into His heart, not a bottle of whiskey or a bowl of smoke or fake love, or some short deemed success.
And then I pray for strength, because mine has been drained. There has been a dark cloud over my heart that has been darkening my mind. The sun, it does not move me like it used to. But the blue from the sky is turning my life around. Sometimes I smell the salt from the ocean when I am clearing the patio in Santa Barbara and I feel closer to the sun. Sometimes I lay in the grass by the library and feel its rays, and they create a stirring in my heart, but I am still sedentary. And then I feel You, and the sun is able to move me even on the rainiest of days. And when I feel you, I feel the world, and the people in it, and the pain, and the joy, and I want to lay down and soak it all up, and then I want to paint a picture and sing a song, and write a book! And I want to feel you all the time, and I want so much! But it does not matter what I want, and at this I laugh out loud! Because who am I to want? Unless it is You, and only You that I want, I shall not want a thing!
but the process of being at this mindset daily is so depleting. if only the world was on my side! help me to stay in this place Father.