(no subject)
So yeah... it's been awhile huh?? Oops! Sorry. I have been kinda busy lately and its the type of problems that I would so much rather not deal with because they are too much of a hassle.
But it's slowly, I mean very slowly getting better. Some very dear dear friends of mine are helping me through it, and trying to get it through my thick skull that the problem wasn't my fault and that I was doing what I felt was right in my twisted mind... well I was sincerly taught that my ways are wrong in some people's minds but I when I make a promise, I don't (or try not to) break it because in my head it's wrong unless I do it with out realizing I made a stupid mistake (which i did with Andy....that didn't go quite over like I would have liked it too) But many have told me that if they cannot forgive me for my one mistake then who needs them....but with me, I hate knowing someone is mad at me especially when it's someone I have been friends with for awhile...*sigh* now i am fighting the tears again....dang I really hate crying...but it's always there... a never ending thing that has me wrapped tight in its web... I am sick of the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the fact that with every waking day I am reminded of what I did three weeks ago and no one can turely let me forget it...the fact that I have been beating myself over it...I know I am rambling but sometimes it is better than to not ramble at all... *sigh* I am sick of everything... There isn't very much that can make me smile any more... and it hurts... I feel trapped again... trapped with in myself... and I was slowly making progress... slowly easing the pain that hurt me and now it is back only this time... I don't know how to save myself... I feel sick, tired, depresses, hurt, and lost. Not even Andrew has been able to help...granted he really doesn't know some of how I feel. Now... It's either let live... or let die... because I am beginning to only become numb and I never wanted that to happen... and it has begun...slowly enough but... its there....
Well. I am signing out.
Peace and Love-
Nico
But it's slowly, I mean very slowly getting better. Some very dear dear friends of mine are helping me through it, and trying to get it through my thick skull that the problem wasn't my fault and that I was doing what I felt was right in my twisted mind... well I was sincerly taught that my ways are wrong in some people's minds but I when I make a promise, I don't (or try not to) break it because in my head it's wrong unless I do it with out realizing I made a stupid mistake (which i did with Andy....that didn't go quite over like I would have liked it too) But many have told me that if they cannot forgive me for my one mistake then who needs them....but with me, I hate knowing someone is mad at me especially when it's someone I have been friends with for awhile...*sigh* now i am fighting the tears again....dang I really hate crying...but it's always there... a never ending thing that has me wrapped tight in its web... I am sick of the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the fact that with every waking day I am reminded of what I did three weeks ago and no one can turely let me forget it...the fact that I have been beating myself over it...I know I am rambling but sometimes it is better than to not ramble at all... *sigh* I am sick of everything... There isn't very much that can make me smile any more... and it hurts... I feel trapped again... trapped with in myself... and I was slowly making progress... slowly easing the pain that hurt me and now it is back only this time... I don't know how to save myself... I feel sick, tired, depresses, hurt, and lost. Not even Andrew has been able to help...granted he really doesn't know some of how I feel. Now... It's either let live... or let die... because I am beginning to only become numb and I never wanted that to happen... and it has begun...slowly enough but... its there....
Well. I am signing out.
Peace and Love-
Nico