I can say there are things
Something pretty someone said about this diptych:
white knuckles
To hold something with your hand(s) in a constant position so tight and long that blood rushes away from your knuckles and they become pale and sweaty. Like squinting at moon beams. Like grabbing light and holding shadows.
I'm going to attempt to make a post that actually deals with my life in some sort of current context.
I've been shying away from that because it's just.... Well, the more I think about it, the more trivial it seems. Especially in comparison to some of the stuff that you guys have to go through.
But I really should stop the comparison thing.
Hm.
The biggest thing I'm dealing with (and will be for a while) is school. I'm so close to actually just... getting through it. And I keep sabotaging myself. I don't know. Therapist and Mother think it's because I'm afraid. And that's probably true, but it's like I'm going to seriously admit that anytime soon. There doesn't seem like a reason to be afraid to get out/away from here. But apparently that's my deal. So whatever. I'm doing what I need to do, including writing essays I hate (*pokes essays*) and imploying some organizational skills. If you were to see my room of book bag, you'd be appalled. So I'm fixing that and hoping everything else will follow.
Next, there are my friends. I'm still thinking about the choices I make with them, and I'm trying to pull myself away from that "they're here, so I might as well be around them," mindset. There's no reason for that. It's stupid and counter-productive in terms of the closeness I'm always saying I want. I can't complain about being disappointed if I don't do anything to change it. If I don't do anything to get people that will treat me the way I want to be treated. So, I'll stop that, too.
I've been really tired, and not just because I haven't been sleeping. It's more of a mental shutdown thing, nothing really do to with physical exhaustion. Like my brain is trying to run away from everything I'm dealing with, and I hate that. It makes everything seem grey and dark around the edges. I want my color back.
I think I might implode if I don't get out of this city and the MD, VA area this year. Just once. I just need to get out once this year and I then I won't feel so incredibly stuck. Just to prove to myself that it can actually be done.
The thing is that I'm pretty sure I'm not sad. I'm just not sure what to do about anything or anyone. I know I want things to change, but I'm not exactly clear on how I'm supposed to do that. I'm frustrated and confused and it's tiring and I'd like to go a day where I don't end up feeling like an idiot.
There isn't enough TIME for anything.
Ugh.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm not sure if I've accomplished what I wanted.