(no subject)
Grief is weird. I guess I always assumed that it would be like a break up where it is really intense and then dimenishes over time until you only have happy memories or sad regrets that linger fliting in the shadows. But this, everytime I remember it it is still as painful and raw as in the begining and I wonder, will it be like this forever? Periods of not much followed by a sudden explosion of pain, realization, and grief. It's been a month. A month yesterday. I cried all the way to my parents house yesterday and all the way home. I cried today. The preliminary hearing is on Friday. I've learned how to cry in a new way. I got in a fight with Steph at lunch. Sometimes when I think about it I can't breath. Sometimes I just want to scream and yell out but I hate the way it sounds and I can't. Will this pain ever diminish? Ever dull? I feel guilty for wanting that but then again I don't. As it becomes more real it becomes more painful, more raw. It's just so tragic, so sensless, so violent. I can never put something to rest until I can make sense of it but I know I'll never make sense of this. I'm just so heartbroken and tired.