God I am So Lame...
I cant believe myself sometimes. I actually really irritate myself with the way that I am. I hate who I am. I hate almost everything about me. Even when Im with the very few people who make me happy and allow me to forget whats going on in my mind, I can still hate myself. Im sitting here, in my room, on a saturday night. I have no where to go, no friends to contact, and my beloved boyfriend is at the bar and going to play madden with his friends. So here I sit, in this very familliar atmosphere. I should know better than to put myself here, because all it results in are tears and depression and me doing things that i will regret an hour later. I am so lonely. And i can honestly say that i dont know how to fix this problem. All i want is to be included. And I have pushed the envelope with my boyfriend so many times that it is completely exhausted. I can not beg him to invite me over to his friends house because they are his friends, and i know that he needs his time away from me. I just wish i had people like he does. People who call him all the time to hang out or go out or chill with. I want that. I just want inclusion. I want to have friends, I want people to care about me the way his friends care about them. And i struggle so much with this. I just want my friends to be my friends so that i can have a good relationship with everyone else im my life. i feel like me not having my own life and my own friends that it puts serious strain on my life. I feel so bad and stupid and incompetent when i sit here and beg my boyfriend to come over and keep me company because all he wants is time away from me. when i sit here and beg him it pushes him so far away from me that it hurts my soul.
I ache for what i had in life. I had it made in high school. I was pretty. I was an athlete, i had friends who loved me, who always called me and whom i could always call and someone would be around to hang out with. I want what i had. i was so happy, so incredibly happy. I loved my life so much and even though i went through some serious rough times at south windsor high school, those were the people i knew so well, whom i had grown up with and would always befriend me anywhere i went because we went to school together. And then i moved to waterford, and my life dropped out from under my feet. Literally that was when this whole dibilitating change occured. I was away from all of my best friends, and i didnt drive so i couldnt go and see anyone. And i had moved away from my boyfriend, who was my best friend. Then i started school at waterford high. I felt so alone. I was so mad and angry and depressed that it was really hard for me to make friends. I was a senior for crying out loud and by the time your a senior in high school you really know your place and know your friends. I would have had that at south windsor high, i was headed to be captain of the track team, taking french honors classes and in the top percentage of my class. i had my best friends and my passions right there with me. And then it changed. I got to school in waterford and made some friends, but i didnt have enough time to get to know people, and to be able to make real friendships. I did have some good times there, but in the end, when it was time to go to college, i had to move my life around again. I graduated waterford high barely knowing half of my 200something classmates, where as in waterford i knew all of my 400 something classmates by name and face and history. Then i went to college. Another dibilitating experience. I was back to living with my boyfriend again at school and seeing him all the time after a year of being 50 miles away. That was a huge issue for both of us to change our lives for eachother again so quickly. I was so lonely all i wanted to do was see him all the time because i missed him when all he wanted to do was continue doing the things he had done over the year while i was away. Alot of my south windsor high graduates went to central but still, even as i hung out with my boyfriends friends who had known me for so long, i was still left out. I was awkward and out of the loop since i had been gone over the most exciting year of everyones lives. I still had no friends of my own to hang out with. I had no friends from waterford at central, and even if there were waterford kids there i didnt know them. And my south windsor high friends had moved on and were doing different things with different people and i had not grown with them, and yet again, awkwardness is apparent. My first roomate was a bitch and a bust, and we rarely hung out. I made one friend that year, her name was michelle, and she became my best friend, we had so much in common. before i knew it we were spending all the time in the world together, her, me and my boyfriend and his roomate. We were a happy bunch and i was mildly happy with my life, as it looked like things were going in a good direction for me. I had my job at a local restaurant where i had also began to make some friends, and i started to hang out with them a little. Time passes and im a sophmore in college, michelle and i are living together now and my ever present boyfriend is still in the picture. Things with me and him are starting to get kind of rocky, as do 3 year relationships that have evolved from high school love to more become. I start going out with work people more, and i start seeing other guys on the side because i am bored with my boyfriend and cant get the nerve to break it off with him. So end of sophmore year comes and im still with my boyfriend, and we hate eachother. Im seeing 2 other guys on the side and one of these guys best friends facebooks my boyfriend and tells him everything. This is the last month of the semester and thats it, were over. Now were into summertime. I dump one boy in favor of the other because i really like him and we start dating. I find myself at home, liking my new boyfriend and his friends, but i am still totally alone. I have no friends of my own here in waterford, as always, and michelle, who is my best friend, doesnt ever come and visit me. Then Junior year of college is comming around. Me and Michelle and our friend dave get an apartment together near school. Things look like theyre going great. I move in about a month later than michelle and dave because i was finishing up my summer job. But i move in and things are fun.... and then they are awkward. My exboyfriend lives upstairs, which was no big deal because we were friends still, we had talked about everything and were still capable of being civil to eachother and being friends. Then I get a great job at this fine dinning restaurant, its like the dream job for all waitresses. School starts really good. My boyfriend comes up from waterford to visit me frequently. I dont feel like i quite fit in with dave and michelle but things are getting there, thats all part of being roomates. And then things get tense with me and michelle. I start to realise that for being my best friend she is really distant, she talks to dave more than me and rarely speaks to me or asks me to join in on the things happening in our apartment. So i get really upset and we talk about things and were both crying and we both dont know why weve drifted so far apart and we make a pact to try to get better. And then later this night, michelle drops the bombshell, shes been sleeping and seeing my exboyfriend behind my back. We cry and i am in shock. she tells me this 2 weeks after ive moved into the apartment. I have no idea what to do. that puts a whole new spin on everything in my life. I tell her yeah, im angry but shes bawling and i tell her i dont hate her, i promise her i dont hate her. And we just let it go for a while. Well living together just got worse, we stopped speaking, stopped caring stopped everything. And while this is happening idk what i feel. I feel so betrayed because she was my best friend. and i knew she was avoiding me all summer because she was with him, i have the pictures to prove it. she has now not only hung out with him but taken over what was once my south windsor friend circle. I feel like she has invaded my life. I hate her now. and its so obvious. I cant help it. I tried so hard to let things go because he wasnt my boyfriend anymore. But we dated for over 4 years and i just couldnt help it. I hated her, and i still do. i hate her with all my guts even though i dont to and i want her back into my life, all for myself. So then other things are happeneing, i lost my coveted job. And that is the last straw for me. My boyfriend and my family encourage me toget out of my current situation, to come home and just start over, like i have already done so many times. So i leave my apartment and break my lease. I up and leave basically before i even told anyone about it. I just felt like i was suffocating and all alone and i just couldnt deal with it anymore. all the lying about my exboyfriend and my best friend and the awkwardness of never feeling like id ever fit in with my other roomate. I just left and moved home and basically my fall semester went to shit and i only passed one class. Now i am home, living with my parents, and still very unhappy. I still have no friends, everyone i once knew is gone from my life. Any friends i might have had here, or in south windsor or even at school are gone. The only thing im clinging to is my boyfriend whom i love. I have put so much strain on our relationship by doing this its incredible and i hate myself for it. So here i sit, typing this stupid rant that i just hadnt been able to get out of me until now. I am so depressed lately. I feel so useless. I have no friends still, no one to hang out with, no girl friends to shop with, nothing. I am back to square one and im so scared that it is going to be like this for the rest of my life. that im going to push my boyfriend so far away that hes going to leave me and i love him to death. I jsut dont know what to do anymore. im at a loss. i hate my jobs i have at home, they both suck and ive applied so many other places and i get no responses from anyone. i commute to school now so i really have no opportunity to make friends at school. idk. im sorry for this rant but it just needed to come out of me, all of it. and i think thats everything. so im sitting here crying for the 6th night in a row because i have no where to be, and no one to talk to, and nothing to do and my boyfriend is out enjoying his life without me. I am a mess. Im sorry ladies but i feel like your the only ones who might here me and give me some serious and honest advice. because i need some really badly. I am so lame for sitting here and talking about all this. please understand.
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