May 17, 2006 19:19
ok, here goes nothing... it's been over a year since i've written here. but ive been going crazy lately and have no where to spill my emotions, so why not for the rest of the world to read?
im single. i literally had to spell that out and look at it to believe it. i have to remind myself all the time. it hurts really bad. i keep trying to convience myself why i did it in the first place and that it really is the right thing. but now that im home, and have an overflow of time to myself its hard to remember why. all i want to do is go snuggle and have someone love me. ive never been so lonely. people ask me how im doing, but i dont think they really want to listen to how i really am doing so i just say im fine. but really, inside, im a mess. my stomach doesnt stop hurting. but i know if i got back together with him now, it would just hurt because he's going to be away all summer. so i have to at least wait til the end of the summer. my new mantra is if it's supposed to happen, it will. but waiting is the worst part. i am young, and being so young doesn't come with any type of guarantees. that's what scares me. there are NO guarantees and im a person of substance. I need a lot of proof to believe something. My tragic flaw is that i try to see the good in people when they really are bad people. i continuously give the benefit of the doubt. I forgive and NEVER forget, and usually, im still not even that nice to you. I have a hard time trusting people. mostly because people always seem to let me down.
when you find something worth having, never let it go.
i dont know, i just feel hurt and confused, and it's my fault, because i was the one to break up. but it made so much more sense then before i had a chance to sit by myself and spend many nights alone with my thoughts just mulling over the events of my life. god, help me. i'm such a mess.
things will work out.
they have to... don't they?