O, I am slain by hilarity.
I will have it mentioned that for a brief, horrifying period, I pictured Mama Hamlet as Irina and Uncle Claud as Sloane, because Hamlet does this creepily graphic speech about things Mama Hamlet Shouldn't Do With Uncle Claud. So, yeah.
And now, I give you, Act III, Scene iv.
Polonius: Okay, so, I'ma hide here behind the curtain, and you just... talk to Hambone, yo. Nice and easy. But don't let him be a snot.
Ham: MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.
Mama Hamlet: Oh, I think that's my boy now.
Polonius: Chanting Mommy? I think so. I better hide behind the curtain. But I will totally talk if I think anything's amiss.
[Polonius hides]
[ Enter Hamlet ]
Ham: Yo, Mom, what's up? I'm missing Viva La Bam.
MH: Hammy, you really hurt your daddy's feelings tonight.
Ham: Mommy, you really hurt my daddy's feelings tonight.
MH: Don't be a wiseass.
Ham: Don't be an asshole.
MH: Whoa, Hamlet! Calm down! Totally out of line. I did not raise you to be a hooligan. Or a potty mouth. I will wash your mouth out with soap, don't think I won't.
Ham: Jesus, woman, what now?
MH: Have you forgotten who yo' momma is?
Ham: Oh, jeez, Mom! No! You're the Queen! You're your husband's brother's wife! And, like, my mom. Whatever.
MH: Come here and talk to me like a normal person.
Ham: No, I'll go over there. I'ma bring a mirror so you can see into YOUR DARK EVIL AND SELF-SERVING CORE!
MH: Oh man, are you going to kill me? Oh no! Help!
Polonius: [from behind the curtain] Oh no! Don't kill the Queen!
Ham: MA! There's a giant TALKING RAT-LIKE SPY IDIOT! Die, rat, die!
[ Ham stabs curtain ]
Polonius: O, I am slain!
[ Polonius dies. Best Death Line Ever ]
MH: OMG what did you do? You are SO grounded if I can't that stain out.
Ham: Damned if I know. Was that the King behind the curtain?
MH: How about "no," junior? Also, STUPID STUPID STUPID.
Ham: Stupid? Me? Dude. You killed the king AND MARRIED HIS BROTHER.
MH: Beg pardon?
Ham: You heard me, woman.
[ Ham lifts the curtain and sees dead ole Polonius ]
Ham: Oh man, Polo. That was stupid. I thought you were smarter and better! But whatever.
MH: So, okay, what did I do to incur this rudeness? I raised you better than this.
Ham: It's really annoying how you're acting all stupid and vapid when you totally betrayed my dad and stuff.
MH: ... What?
Ham: Hellllllo? My dad was all handsome and hot and a good king and a nice guy and he loved you, woman, and then his ear is hardly dry from the poison when you start screwing his spore mold of a brother? The chinga?
MH: Oh, you make me so sad to see what my soul is now! It is black and icky like roof tar!
Ham: Yeah! And now you like, sleep in this sweaty, skeety, nasty ass infested bed and there are stains from his s-
MH: Hi, you are totally my kid, and that's really gross. Also, you are hurting my feelings, and you are my baby.
Ham: Don't care, really. Let me talk some more about my uncle, and how he killed his brother, and then stole his kingdom and the queen and even her CROWN, hint hint, nudge nudge...
MH: Please shut up?
[ Enter Papa Hamlet The Dead Guy ]
Ham: Oh, dude! PHTDG! Hi! What's up!
MH: Um. He's talking to the air. That can't be good.
Ham: PHTDG! You better not have come to yell at me for being late. It's really hard writing your own play about your own family. I did my best
PHTDG: So, howsabout you stop bitching your mom out and maybe try to get her on your side? How does that sound, buddy?
Ham: Great idea, Papa Hamlet! Mom, who's side are you on?
MH: You're talking to the air.
Ham: No, I'm not.
MH: Yeah, you are.
Ham: No way.
MH: Yes way.
Ham: Um, hi, it's DAD over there, duh! He's totally glaring at you. Don't look at me that way!
MH: Stop being crazy!
Ham: Can you seriously see nothing there?
MH: Nope.
Ham: And you can't hear anything either?
MH: Nope.
Ham: Well, Uncle Daddy doesn't hear me plotting his death like, five feet away from him while he's praying, so deafness if a common occurrence in this play.
MH: Evil souls and all. You understand.
Ham: Of course. Gotta have some distinguishing trait. You sure, Ma? He's wearing the pajamas you got him last Christmas.
[ Exit PHTDG ]
Ham: Oh, man, he left!
MH: You are so crazy, kid.
Ham: What are you talking about, lady? You're crazy. You do evil, crazy things with your evil, crazy husband who does evil, crazy things! You're all evil and shit and you don't even think you are! That's crazy!
MH: O Ham, you have broken my heart in two pieces.
Ham: Well, toss the bad half and keep the good one. Like, as in, the garbage for the part that loves UNCLE CLAUDIUS, got it? Also, when you leave, don't go sleep with him. Pretend you have a soul and morals and shit.
MH: But, he's my husband. If he wants sex...
Ham: You say no, dude. Like, I don't care what he does! [ is gross and graphic and entirely inappropriate ]
MH: Um. You have convinced me that I am evil. I'll keep in mind what you said about husband-killer when my new husband seduces me.
Ham: On a completely unrelated note, did you know that I'm being sent to England?
MH: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Ham: Whatever. So, I'm off to England with my two "friends" who really suck like you guys do. I'ma just move Polonius here so he doesn't disturb you. Night, Mom!
MH: Goodnight, sweetheart!
[ Ham drags Polonius out ]