(no subject)
Friday I was very frustrated with work. There were so many different zip codes in this one pallet and I couldn't find groups of 10 for a lot of them...which they are being so picky about. On top of that this one lady got confused and I had two trays of cards that had the zip codes all mixed up.
Well the weekend was much better though. Sat I went to a local band concert. I walked in and saw these old guys on stage dressed like amish people. I was thinking oh god no..don't tell me we just paid to go to a country concert. But then they started rocking out...which really shocked me! I had a blast. I had a pretty good buzz going on after 3long islands and a green apple Schmirnoff. I started dancing with a couple guys there which was lots of fun. It gave me the confidence to give going out alone and meeting people a try.
I can't believe this but I bought my very own pack of cigarettes for the first time!This can't be good. I was around so many people that had them and I just got that huge craving.There was a 7-11 right next door so I couldn't resist.
So yesterday I went to Kennywood with my friend Chris. He had free tickets so he invited me. We didn't stay too long because his leg was hurting.It was fun. So we left and got a pizza and watched What About Bob. I started feeling really uncomfortable cuz he kept asking me to kiss him. After telling him no a million times and that I didn't like to be pressured I got up and left. I was really frustrated at the point. Andy was in need of a friend and a hug so I went over to lend my arms. Another thing I can't believe and this really scares me is...I had my first cigarette sober....and it didn't bother me. I just felt like I needed one at that point.
I was supposed to go see Eric at some point that day before or after Kennywood. It was impossible for me to make it over there in the morning and I hadn't heard a word from him all day. The old me probably would've flipped, but I didn't. We didn't have any solid plans and I figured there was some good reason. I hadn't done anything for him to avoid me and we are back on good terms again. But just as I was about to leave Andy's he called me.I was so happy. He was sick and in bed all day. I felt so bad for him and just wanted to give him a big hug and tend to all his needs.If I didn't have to be up early for work, I may have asked if there was anything he needed. He did say he was sorry cuz he really wanted to talk to me more.
I'm so glad I didn't continue avoiding him. Even if we don't get back what we had, it's great to have a friend like him. Some of the best and most memorable days of my life were with him and his friends. Not just because he was a guy who made me feel special...but because I had so much fun. The smile hardly left my face cuz they all made me laugh so much and feel accepted. Also he is a really good friend who is always there for his close friends.
For the first time in my life I'm in an almost complete state of not wanting a relationship.I have so much on my plate to deal with at the moment, I couldn't imagine trying to deal with a relationship and focus on their needs as well. I don't think I will be able to until I get a steady job and a payment schedule that I feel comfortable with. Also I'm in a huge stage of self-change. I have problems that can easily go unnoticed to those who don't know me like a book. These are things I must work on if I am gonna get anywhere in life. I need to feel comfortable that next time I'm in a relationship, I'm not going to neglect my needs in order to spend time with that person. I want to be sure that he won't have to worry about trusting me and that I'm not gonna lose all my sense of rationality and I won't be a paranoid mess over the smallest thing. Even if I feel that I want to be in a relationship with someone, I must be strong and ask myself "Am I truly ready?" "Why do I like this guy?" and vice versa.
Well, that's about it for now.
Well the weekend was much better though. Sat I went to a local band concert. I walked in and saw these old guys on stage dressed like amish people. I was thinking oh god no..don't tell me we just paid to go to a country concert. But then they started rocking out...which really shocked me! I had a blast. I had a pretty good buzz going on after 3long islands and a green apple Schmirnoff. I started dancing with a couple guys there which was lots of fun. It gave me the confidence to give going out alone and meeting people a try.
I can't believe this but I bought my very own pack of cigarettes for the first time!This can't be good. I was around so many people that had them and I just got that huge craving.There was a 7-11 right next door so I couldn't resist.
So yesterday I went to Kennywood with my friend Chris. He had free tickets so he invited me. We didn't stay too long because his leg was hurting.It was fun. So we left and got a pizza and watched What About Bob. I started feeling really uncomfortable cuz he kept asking me to kiss him. After telling him no a million times and that I didn't like to be pressured I got up and left. I was really frustrated at the point. Andy was in need of a friend and a hug so I went over to lend my arms. Another thing I can't believe and this really scares me is...I had my first cigarette sober....and it didn't bother me. I just felt like I needed one at that point.
I was supposed to go see Eric at some point that day before or after Kennywood. It was impossible for me to make it over there in the morning and I hadn't heard a word from him all day. The old me probably would've flipped, but I didn't. We didn't have any solid plans and I figured there was some good reason. I hadn't done anything for him to avoid me and we are back on good terms again. But just as I was about to leave Andy's he called me.I was so happy. He was sick and in bed all day. I felt so bad for him and just wanted to give him a big hug and tend to all his needs.If I didn't have to be up early for work, I may have asked if there was anything he needed. He did say he was sorry cuz he really wanted to talk to me more.
I'm so glad I didn't continue avoiding him. Even if we don't get back what we had, it's great to have a friend like him. Some of the best and most memorable days of my life were with him and his friends. Not just because he was a guy who made me feel special...but because I had so much fun. The smile hardly left my face cuz they all made me laugh so much and feel accepted. Also he is a really good friend who is always there for his close friends.
For the first time in my life I'm in an almost complete state of not wanting a relationship.I have so much on my plate to deal with at the moment, I couldn't imagine trying to deal with a relationship and focus on their needs as well. I don't think I will be able to until I get a steady job and a payment schedule that I feel comfortable with. Also I'm in a huge stage of self-change. I have problems that can easily go unnoticed to those who don't know me like a book. These are things I must work on if I am gonna get anywhere in life. I need to feel comfortable that next time I'm in a relationship, I'm not going to neglect my needs in order to spend time with that person. I want to be sure that he won't have to worry about trusting me and that I'm not gonna lose all my sense of rationality and I won't be a paranoid mess over the smallest thing. Even if I feel that I want to be in a relationship with someone, I must be strong and ask myself "Am I truly ready?" "Why do I like this guy?" and vice versa.
Well, that's about it for now.