Coping Mechanisms... or something (Abby/Connor/Ryan)
Abby and Connor
Maybe it started with a kiss, maybe with another impossibly long and dark and too crowded night when the past just couldn’t stay put buried ten feet under the ground, maybe there was alcohol or there should have been, maybe she needed to drown and his room was closest or maybe she was the one offering comfort except she’s quite sure she forgot how to do that ages ago, maybe it doesn’t really matter, it was good, after all - maybe.
Connor and Ryan
It started with an anomaly, or maybe it was their day off, there were no kisses just tell-tale marks on easily bruising knees and fingers tangling in dark hair, pulling just a bit too hard, it was in the woods or maybe in a storage room or maybe in a deserted alleyway even though that’s really not very likely, in any case they had to keep silent but moaned anyway, afterwards one of them insisted this didn’t mean anything the other just shrugged a whatever and they can’t quite remember anymore who said what.
Ryan and Abby
There was a doorknob digging into her back painfully and maybe pain was what this was all about in the first place or maybe it was about loss and death and Connor too and thigh straps and hard thrusts and heat and fear and memories and gasps and strong arms not letting her fall and two pairs of guarded eyes one filled with tears the other filled with absolutely nothing except maybe the knowledge that this can’t possibly lead to anything even remotely resembling normalcy.
And so it begins
The first time there’s a phone call and just a moment’s hesitance, the rest is kisses and gasps and oh god just there and a strange little chorus of a needy cry, a soft moan and deep silence when they come; Connor makes appalling coffee in the morning, Abby suggests a shower, and Ryan drives them all to work so they can get yelled at by Lester for being late.
Round, round
Bentley just looks away because that’s always the best strategy, Lorraine is too busy to waste much thought on the matter so she just believes Jenny when she says that Abby should know better, Lester rolls his eyes and shouts a bit and drops a few threats and puts another lock on the door of his office, Sam thinks Abby has daddy-issues but Lyle points out that then maybe she should have gone for Lester instead (for which comment he gets to sleep on the couch for two weeks), Kalti just watches silently, Blade doesn’t really care, Ditzy is amused, Chris isn’t when he sees Abby’s bruises, Stephen feels left out, and Cutter is a bit uncertain what everybody is on about.
Hard
Ok, so they may have made the mistake of promising Connor to watch Star Wars with him because as long as his bright smile and childlike enthusiasm survive it doesn’t really matter that another civilian was killed today, still, by the time that weirdly breathing thing in the black helmet appears Ryan is already hard in Abby’s hand and Connor really has no choice but to join in.
Determined
On those nights that Abby isn’t in the infirmary with Ditzy or in the armoury with Stephen or maybe Dane or inspecting Blade’s collection of knives or maybe being pushed up against the wall by Lyle, or Kalti, or Sullivan, or Sam, (never Stringer because he’s smarter than to let her drag him down) - on those nights Connor cuddles up next to her because she won’t go to him no matter how bad the nightmares get and Ryan is firmly barricaded in his own flat as if sleeping at their place would mean something irrevocable and maybe it does, but the one thing they always forget is that Connor can be just as bloody stubborn if he wants to be.
Denial
Abby spends three days at Connor’s bedside, waiting for him to wake up, cursing stupid dinosaurs, only leaving to get fucked hard and fast and desperate up against the wall by Ryan who refuses to visit or even ask after Connor and Abby can’t even really blame him, after all, his first class denial skills made her want him in the first place.
Love
It’s rather amusing that Abby cares more about that mammoth thing than about either of them, Ryan thinks watching her pat the hairy trunk; maybe he won’t tell Connor, though - the thought of the boy in a too big hospital bed makes him want to punch something, anything, but he chokes the hell out of that mental image and goes on pretending nothing is out of the ordinary.
Fucked
Connor barely moves even when he’s awake and the hurt in his eyes makes Abby shiver but she can’t find the words to offer comfort so just leaves to get the living daylights fucked out of her by Ryan or Stephen or Blade or…
Crutches
Crutches suck, Abby has even got bored with rolling her eyes every time Connor says those words and she wants them to be gone already almost as much as he does but when he stumbles on his first day back at the ARC and strong arms keep him from falling she has to admit that things could be worse - and then she kicks herself mentally for the thought because that means things can get worse and they usually do.
Make believe
Abby needs this, the cable ties, the pain, the loss of control in every possible sense of the word, a hiding place where Stephen never existed in the first place so losing him won’t matter in the least; Connor is scared, of death, of his beloved dinosaurs, of the future that always comes, of Abby, of the sunrise painting the walls orange and he’s utterly exhausted from crying too much while watching Ryan break Abby just a bit more with every thrust, Ryan, who is the last man standing, trying to hold their melting world together because he has been through enough shit to be able to pretend that no matter what life is still worth fucking living.
Mantra
I like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I still like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I like dinosaurs, I like…
Welcome to the bottom
Abby fucks Becker because Sam won’t do it and someone needs to properly welcome him, Connor fucks him because he has the same deodorant as Stephen used, and Ryan doesn’t fuck him because he didn’t like Stephen enough to fall apart for his sake… honest…
Something blue
It’s Ryan who holds her when her laugh turns into sobs - what else can you do when you find out you’re pregnant and have no idea which of your two lovers is the father - because Connor is shackled in his own fears while all Ryan has left is his quickly slipping illusion of control.
Breaking
When Cutter dies everybody keeps watching Connor who seems to be tiptoeing on the edge of a cliff, running on too much caffeine and no sleep at all, tears constantly threatening to spill, as if he was the only one in danger of breaking even though Abby hasn’t been home for days, coming in to work in the same clothes for the third time, and Ryan has stolen one of Blade’s knives.
End
Connor proposes, Abby turns him down gently, everything goes back to… not-quite-normal-but-as-close-as-it-gets-around-here; they never ever talk about Ryan or death or anything remotely resembling life and Connor goes off very night to fuck or get fucked and it’s all wrong because that should be Abby’s specialty except he kind of stole that part of her long ago and the rest is being transformed now in terrifying ways and all that’s left of her is her growing belly and that’s the only thing she has no wish to be.