If I could make a deal with God...
If I could make a deal with God - I would say, "God, if you will give me the drive, the motivation, the intelligence, the care and concern for people that medical doctors need to have, I will give up EVERYTHING - a husband, having a family, "fun" things, every second of my spare time to serve you by serving your people via the medical field."
The more I think about this, the more I realize why I didn't particularly like "the doctor" in some respects. He did/was doing something that I wanted to do - something that I wanted to strive for but felt totally lacking in actually accomplishing. I would spend more time in a relationship with that joker being simultaneously jealous and fascinated by his intellectual capabilities than actually having a relationship with him. Now, if I were a young 22 year old who really didn't care for science stuff and saw the intrigue of the doctor in his $$ and his looks, then the situation would be completely different. Much more simple to enjoy a relationship rather than hate how smart they were.
I hate doctors because of him. Hate them. And sometimes I get confused - Do I want "the doctor" because I want his intelligence as my own? Or do I actually want *him.* I am so jealous. And that's not cool. Not at all.
Back when I was a senior in high school I was enrolled in an AP Biology course. I *loved* it. We studied the human body in detail and got to check blood pressure like doctors. My brain started ticking in that class, like a clock. All the little pieces of machinery that make the hands move were aligning and everything made sense and intrigued me. I loved that class. But then I made a completely stupid decision - one made with my brain and not my heart . I couldn't handle 2 AP classes so I kept AP English and dropped AP Biology. Definitely a decision I regret. My brain told me - "you're a good writer, stick with AP english. (even though it kind of sucked as was definitely less enjoyable)" My heart told me to do what I love. But I didn't listen. My brain always gets in the way of the heart.
And so I've been tuning my ears to listen to cravings of the heart rather than the stupid electrical currents up there in the head. For example: My head told me to go for the PhD program - I wouldn't have to pay for it and that meant less of a financial burden on myself and my parents. It would also be a higher degree. Regardless if I didn't necessarily care for the classes or the program it would make sense to do it for financial/degree-seeking perspective.
U of M, on the other hand, was like, my heart's desire from the time I got their postcard in the mail saying they were still accepting applications to their School of Public Health. I'd never heard of "School of Public Health" for any kind of grad program; didn't even know it existed. The program spoke to me - it fit exactly what I was interested in - COMPLETELY a godsend!!! completely! Because Biochem advanced degrees didn't really fit what I wanted to do and I didn't know what else to do except apply for them because it seemed like the logical thing to do, even though my heart wasn't into it.
So yeah...my heart told me to do the medical thing in high school, but I didn't listen to it. So the big part of the adventure now is seeing what happens when you follow your heart instead of your head. And who knows - maybe God'll kick some intelligence juice back up into my head so that I'm able to pursue the medical degree...hopefully.
The more I think about this, the more I realize why I didn't particularly like "the doctor" in some respects. He did/was doing something that I wanted to do - something that I wanted to strive for but felt totally lacking in actually accomplishing. I would spend more time in a relationship with that joker being simultaneously jealous and fascinated by his intellectual capabilities than actually having a relationship with him. Now, if I were a young 22 year old who really didn't care for science stuff and saw the intrigue of the doctor in his $$ and his looks, then the situation would be completely different. Much more simple to enjoy a relationship rather than hate how smart they were.
I hate doctors because of him. Hate them. And sometimes I get confused - Do I want "the doctor" because I want his intelligence as my own? Or do I actually want *him.* I am so jealous. And that's not cool. Not at all.
Back when I was a senior in high school I was enrolled in an AP Biology course. I *loved* it. We studied the human body in detail and got to check blood pressure like doctors. My brain started ticking in that class, like a clock. All the little pieces of machinery that make the hands move were aligning and everything made sense and intrigued me. I loved that class. But then I made a completely stupid decision - one made with my brain and not my heart . I couldn't handle 2 AP classes so I kept AP English and dropped AP Biology. Definitely a decision I regret. My brain told me - "you're a good writer, stick with AP english. (even though it kind of sucked as was definitely less enjoyable)" My heart told me to do what I love. But I didn't listen. My brain always gets in the way of the heart.
And so I've been tuning my ears to listen to cravings of the heart rather than the stupid electrical currents up there in the head. For example: My head told me to go for the PhD program - I wouldn't have to pay for it and that meant less of a financial burden on myself and my parents. It would also be a higher degree. Regardless if I didn't necessarily care for the classes or the program it would make sense to do it for financial/degree-seeking perspective.
U of M, on the other hand, was like, my heart's desire from the time I got their postcard in the mail saying they were still accepting applications to their School of Public Health. I'd never heard of "School of Public Health" for any kind of grad program; didn't even know it existed. The program spoke to me - it fit exactly what I was interested in - COMPLETELY a godsend!!! completely! Because Biochem advanced degrees didn't really fit what I wanted to do and I didn't know what else to do except apply for them because it seemed like the logical thing to do, even though my heart wasn't into it.
So yeah...my heart told me to do the medical thing in high school, but I didn't listen to it. So the big part of the adventure now is seeing what happens when you follow your heart instead of your head. And who knows - maybe God'll kick some intelligence juice back up into my head so that I'm able to pursue the medical degree...hopefully.