Biggest Bar Night of the Year vs My Birthday...
.... and guess who won.
I have a lot of thoughts. And it's hard to separate them to talk about each one in relation to the other. I also think I'm going to need a MASSIVE negativity filter for the things I'm about to say. I'm going to do my best not to let negativity creep in, but after what happened (or *didn't* happen) yesterday, well...you'll see.
The last time my birthday was on the biggest bar night of the year, I believe, was when I turned 21. I don't remember why, but we didn't celebrate my 21st on my birthday. If I remember correctly, we did it the day after Thanksgiving. And 21 is when I really didn't have any friends, so it was just I and my family going out to Bennigan's for dinner. What took place 7 years ago (omg! SEVEN YEARS AGO I TURNED 21!) was much more fulfilling and happy of a birthday time than current bar night birthday.
PLAN (a note to self so I can separate things better and be better at explaining things): Recount birthday's events and make a separate blog for all of my thoughts/feelings. Yes, Good plan.
Although my birthday didn't officially start until 8:00 am (when I was born) it started at midnight when my conversation with Kelly ran over midnight and she let me know she would get me a present and that I should come out to the bar with her and her friends Wednesday night.
At 3 a.m. I got a call from one of the Australian boys I added as a friend on facebook from a while back :) haha. I didn't answer it, just stayed in bed, but woke up an hour later and checked the voicemail before going back to sleep. Love his accent! "Hey Michelle it's Jarrod, wishing you a Happy Birthday. Hope everything's (something?) in the USA. I sent you a message on facebook. Let me know if you got it. Let me know if you got it. Talk soon...I hope. Hey! Great picture on Halloween! ( I think he means the bar crawl night?) Anyway, talk soon." :)
Woke up later to go to my 8:10 a.m. Biostats class. A LOT of people didn't show up. I usually sit by 3 other people, my "group": Emily, Megan, and Kari. Emily left on Tuesday to head back home to Pennsylvania, but Megan came in first and wished me happy birthday, gave me a hug, and then pulled out a cute cute teddy bear with a little red backpack on his back! so cute!! :) She came to biostats just to do that for me :) This made me happy :)
Kari came in and also wished me a happy birthday and asked me questions about what I'd be doing and suggested I skip out of biostats and just go home to my family :) This also made me happy (but I didn't leave, I needed to stay to learn the crap).
Jake came in late. I sat 2nd seat in from the aisle, he sat at the aisle seat, one row back, so he was like, right there, but I didn't notice that he even came in. (I've been trying and succeeding in completely ignoring his presence). But eventually you get bored with lecture so you start turning your head slightly just to look at something other than the screen of statistics and that's when I saw him. At one point after this I was looking and Jake was STARING at me (like his whole face was in my direction, and just STARING). Staring at me before I even looked because I saw it peripherally and normally I wouldn't rely on peripheral vision, but he was sooo close. I looked at him for a split second then turned my head back to the screen. It was then I concluded that Jake has issues including a major staring problem, because it's DEFINITELY not that he's interested in me based on alllll his previous actions. Jackhole. He left at break and as he was returning from turning in his paper, and walking up the aisle to head out the door, he totally ignored me. Double Jackhole. Oh yeah, I'm still torn up about him, still trying to find signs of interest but I'm sincerely trying to ignore him at the same time.
Class ended, gave Kari a hug goodbye then hopped on the bus, got to the apt, did dishes, packed and left. Treated myself to fast food (totally not what I need considering my physical state) on the way home cuz all I had previous to 1 pm that day were two smarties and an apple. Chatted with my sister on the phone on the way :) (fun convo - "Birthday! it's birthday! you're almost home!" :) That made me happy). Got home, my sister had presents waiting for me and a home-made (LOVE her home-made birthday cards!!) telling me she's sorry she didn't get me a weirdo (Jake) for my birthday lol. That was a preeettty funny card. She got me a dressy type shirt, a teal sweater, and boots that look like the Ugg boots. My mom gave me a card and baked me a tasty butternut? buttercreme? cake with lots of coolwhip on top! My sister took pictures. My sister was actually very good about my birthday. We went to Friday's and she kept insisting she'd buy food for me or get me a drink (I declined both because i didn't want alcohol and was feeling too fat from fast food to eat anything) but it was a really sweet and caring gesture and how I acted later in the night, looking back, I was being pretty ungrateful to her.
We went to Len and Jerry's after Friday's which is a bar/bowling alley and everyone there was just smoking, and standing around and drinking and talking with 95% of the girls dressing like sluts. Really, what's the point of doing that? Do you really want to pick someone up at a bar and go get laid? Wow. I hate Saginaw. I hated it there. I sat there bored and thoroughly annoyed that I was stuck in a place that I didn't want to be ON MY BIRTHDAY. I dunno. I told them I didn't want to be there and I wanted to go home and they kept saying after they were done with the beer they had they would leave. Okay so I waited around close to 2 hours before they were ready to leave. I really, okay, maybe I'm just thinking like a princess or thinking that I should be treated well on my birthday and feel acknowledged and that's the wrong kind of feeling to have, but I wasn't feeling treated well or acknowledged. They didn't care if I wasn't having fun. It was my birthday and they didn't care. So I was pissed for the rest of the night (which wasn't long because as soon as I got home I went to bed). I don't know. Was I wrong for feeling that way? I just felt soooooo ignored. I kinda feel wrong for feeling that way but...a lot of my life I've felt ignored and I hate birthdays because it makes me more acutely aware of how ignored I really am. It's partially my fault for slightly expecting something "good" to happen. NEVER go into ANYTHING with expectations! That's a lesson I learned (finally) yesterday. But I dunno... why would you be so inconsiderate? :( Seriously, part of me wishes I stayed in Ann Arbor yesterday and hung out with Kari (who is from Ann Arbor so she's already there) and Megan (since she doesnt live *too* far away from Ann Arbor). My birthday was happiest when I was in Ann Arbor. Because there, people cared and made me feel loved, and gave me attention, and just seemed genuinely interested in me for that day. It felt really good. I sound like I'm an attention whore now. Maybe I am. I don't know. I just didn't enjoy last night. Thus, the people I was with (my sister, Pete [her boyfriend], Mike [Pete and I and him graduated from hs together], Pete's dad, and Pete's sister) chose having fun during the biggest bar night of the year, rather than tending to me and my birthday. FUCK THAT. My one day/night where it should be about me, and it wasn't. I sound so wrong. I know. But that's how I'm feeling.
Although, while I was out, I was honestly trying to see the situation objectively and to see the *good* in the night and my birthday but I couldn't find anything. It might have been there but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see it. I wanted God. I wanted Him to make me feel better. So I got up, went outside in the *fresh* air, and read me some bible. It was slightly consoling until my sister came out and sat next to me. I don't know why? just to prance around and show herself off I think. Cuz she sure didn't come out to talk to me to see if I was okay. The only thing that God taught me last night, that I've been able to see so far, is that my life and my being brought into this world has nothing to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with him. I should've gone into the night with the mindset that last night was not about me. It was about God. And his choice to give me life and for me to do what he wants me to do. Going out with my sister last night was obviously not one of those things he wanted me to do. I should have stayed home. :\
Ya live, ya learn.
I have a lot of thoughts. And it's hard to separate them to talk about each one in relation to the other. I also think I'm going to need a MASSIVE negativity filter for the things I'm about to say. I'm going to do my best not to let negativity creep in, but after what happened (or *didn't* happen) yesterday, well...you'll see.
The last time my birthday was on the biggest bar night of the year, I believe, was when I turned 21. I don't remember why, but we didn't celebrate my 21st on my birthday. If I remember correctly, we did it the day after Thanksgiving. And 21 is when I really didn't have any friends, so it was just I and my family going out to Bennigan's for dinner. What took place 7 years ago (omg! SEVEN YEARS AGO I TURNED 21!) was much more fulfilling and happy of a birthday time than current bar night birthday.
PLAN (a note to self so I can separate things better and be better at explaining things): Recount birthday's events and make a separate blog for all of my thoughts/feelings. Yes, Good plan.
Although my birthday didn't officially start until 8:00 am (when I was born) it started at midnight when my conversation with Kelly ran over midnight and she let me know she would get me a present and that I should come out to the bar with her and her friends Wednesday night.
At 3 a.m. I got a call from one of the Australian boys I added as a friend on facebook from a while back :) haha. I didn't answer it, just stayed in bed, but woke up an hour later and checked the voicemail before going back to sleep. Love his accent! "Hey Michelle it's Jarrod, wishing you a Happy Birthday. Hope everything's (something?) in the USA. I sent you a message on facebook. Let me know if you got it. Let me know if you got it. Talk soon...I hope. Hey! Great picture on Halloween! ( I think he means the bar crawl night?) Anyway, talk soon." :)
Woke up later to go to my 8:10 a.m. Biostats class. A LOT of people didn't show up. I usually sit by 3 other people, my "group": Emily, Megan, and Kari. Emily left on Tuesday to head back home to Pennsylvania, but Megan came in first and wished me happy birthday, gave me a hug, and then pulled out a cute cute teddy bear with a little red backpack on his back! so cute!! :) She came to biostats just to do that for me :) This made me happy :)
Kari came in and also wished me a happy birthday and asked me questions about what I'd be doing and suggested I skip out of biostats and just go home to my family :) This also made me happy (but I didn't leave, I needed to stay to learn the crap).
Jake came in late. I sat 2nd seat in from the aisle, he sat at the aisle seat, one row back, so he was like, right there, but I didn't notice that he even came in. (I've been trying and succeeding in completely ignoring his presence). But eventually you get bored with lecture so you start turning your head slightly just to look at something other than the screen of statistics and that's when I saw him. At one point after this I was looking and Jake was STARING at me (like his whole face was in my direction, and just STARING). Staring at me before I even looked because I saw it peripherally and normally I wouldn't rely on peripheral vision, but he was sooo close. I looked at him for a split second then turned my head back to the screen. It was then I concluded that Jake has issues including a major staring problem, because it's DEFINITELY not that he's interested in me based on alllll his previous actions. Jackhole. He left at break and as he was returning from turning in his paper, and walking up the aisle to head out the door, he totally ignored me. Double Jackhole. Oh yeah, I'm still torn up about him, still trying to find signs of interest but I'm sincerely trying to ignore him at the same time.
Class ended, gave Kari a hug goodbye then hopped on the bus, got to the apt, did dishes, packed and left. Treated myself to fast food (totally not what I need considering my physical state) on the way home cuz all I had previous to 1 pm that day were two smarties and an apple. Chatted with my sister on the phone on the way :) (fun convo - "Birthday! it's birthday! you're almost home!" :) That made me happy). Got home, my sister had presents waiting for me and a home-made (LOVE her home-made birthday cards!!) telling me she's sorry she didn't get me a weirdo (Jake) for my birthday lol. That was a preeettty funny card. She got me a dressy type shirt, a teal sweater, and boots that look like the Ugg boots. My mom gave me a card and baked me a tasty butternut? buttercreme? cake with lots of coolwhip on top! My sister took pictures. My sister was actually very good about my birthday. We went to Friday's and she kept insisting she'd buy food for me or get me a drink (I declined both because i didn't want alcohol and was feeling too fat from fast food to eat anything) but it was a really sweet and caring gesture and how I acted later in the night, looking back, I was being pretty ungrateful to her.
We went to Len and Jerry's after Friday's which is a bar/bowling alley and everyone there was just smoking, and standing around and drinking and talking with 95% of the girls dressing like sluts. Really, what's the point of doing that? Do you really want to pick someone up at a bar and go get laid? Wow. I hate Saginaw. I hated it there. I sat there bored and thoroughly annoyed that I was stuck in a place that I didn't want to be ON MY BIRTHDAY. I dunno. I told them I didn't want to be there and I wanted to go home and they kept saying after they were done with the beer they had they would leave. Okay so I waited around close to 2 hours before they were ready to leave. I really, okay, maybe I'm just thinking like a princess or thinking that I should be treated well on my birthday and feel acknowledged and that's the wrong kind of feeling to have, but I wasn't feeling treated well or acknowledged. They didn't care if I wasn't having fun. It was my birthday and they didn't care. So I was pissed for the rest of the night (which wasn't long because as soon as I got home I went to bed). I don't know. Was I wrong for feeling that way? I just felt soooooo ignored. I kinda feel wrong for feeling that way but...a lot of my life I've felt ignored and I hate birthdays because it makes me more acutely aware of how ignored I really am. It's partially my fault for slightly expecting something "good" to happen. NEVER go into ANYTHING with expectations! That's a lesson I learned (finally) yesterday. But I dunno... why would you be so inconsiderate? :( Seriously, part of me wishes I stayed in Ann Arbor yesterday and hung out with Kari (who is from Ann Arbor so she's already there) and Megan (since she doesnt live *too* far away from Ann Arbor). My birthday was happiest when I was in Ann Arbor. Because there, people cared and made me feel loved, and gave me attention, and just seemed genuinely interested in me for that day. It felt really good. I sound like I'm an attention whore now. Maybe I am. I don't know. I just didn't enjoy last night. Thus, the people I was with (my sister, Pete [her boyfriend], Mike [Pete and I and him graduated from hs together], Pete's dad, and Pete's sister) chose having fun during the biggest bar night of the year, rather than tending to me and my birthday. FUCK THAT. My one day/night where it should be about me, and it wasn't. I sound so wrong. I know. But that's how I'm feeling.
Although, while I was out, I was honestly trying to see the situation objectively and to see the *good* in the night and my birthday but I couldn't find anything. It might have been there but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see it. I wanted God. I wanted Him to make me feel better. So I got up, went outside in the *fresh* air, and read me some bible. It was slightly consoling until my sister came out and sat next to me. I don't know why? just to prance around and show herself off I think. Cuz she sure didn't come out to talk to me to see if I was okay. The only thing that God taught me last night, that I've been able to see so far, is that my life and my being brought into this world has nothing to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with him. I should've gone into the night with the mindset that last night was not about me. It was about God. And his choice to give me life and for me to do what he wants me to do. Going out with my sister last night was obviously not one of those things he wanted me to do. I should have stayed home. :\
Ya live, ya learn.