Blessed are those who read through this whole thing.
This is going to be quite a handfull.
All hell has been temporarily covered up
And finally i have mustered up the courage to write another entry. For some unresolved reason, i feel somewhat scared to blog now more than ever. Maybe it's because of plain ol' laziness, but mostly i think it's coz i'm afraid i won't do the thoughts in my head justice. Everytime i space out, my daydreams turn into these beautiful thoughts that i rarely get around to sharing (mostly coz i forget them after a while), and when i come face to face with the computer screen, my mind goes blank. Poof! goes the had-been wonderful thoughts. But i 'm trying to squeeze what i can, so bear with me. I think i might've forgotten how to write.
Last semester had been one helluva roller coaster ride. The ones with all those loops and drops like the ones in Coney Island or soemthing. I've got myself caught in a mess several times, and i've broken down a couple of times here and there too, although carefully making sure that no onw would see me. Not my family,my friends, no one. I wanted to pull myself out of my own tangled knots for as long as i could help it. But even a stranger would so easily be able to see the huge cry for help written all over my forehead. So for those who unexpectedly showed up or lent a very helpful hand to this dying hobbit, THANK YOU. There was a day when i only slept for 15 minutes, and a whole week where i'd be falling asleep in my classes or even while typing my frickin' paper, and the ever-so embarrassing moment where i violently jerked while napping in the study hall and created a ruckus within those oh-so-silent walls. Argh, it was made even worse because i had no computer and had to do all my work in school, aggravatingly waiting everytime for someone to finish using the computers. And the other unsolved mystery of why no matter how much i burned my eyebrows studying for Asian history, my pre-final grade ended up being a D. Even if i get an A in two subjects, that frickin' D will hinder me from getting into the dean's list. Oh well. Ugh. I'm just glad that that hell sem is overrr. However... the effects of my over-eagerness to accomplish so many things has once again caught up with me when i volunteered to head an entire blueREP event ( i can hear eya's voice in my head, angrily telling me off). Although Forlorn will be heading it with me, i've never done anything close to this before except for the summer garage sale which is nothing compared to this one. I just don't wanna screw it up.
the cards of life
Oddly enough, after a week of freedom, i'm still undergoing studying withdrawals. I'm just so used to the daily routine of coming home, eating dinner, taking a bath and studying till God knows when. Now i find myself just sitting at my study table, looking for something to do. It doesn't really matter what, just as long as it's done there. (Yes, i am aware of how dorky that sounds.) Luckily, we had a weekend getaway to Plantation Bay in Cebu. It's a good thing that most of the people there were foreigners, so no one really paid attention to the stupid things we were doing. (I cannot though, for the life of me figure out why Korean couples just HAVE to be in matching outfits. Every.single.one.of.them.) Speaking of stupid, i stupidly strained my thumb (of all things!) while frantically and "half-asleep-edly" getting out of bed, trying to answer my ringing phone which shut up right when i finally got to it. So i was without a left thumb for most of the time in Cebu. Nevertheless, i was determined to do all the possible activities there was to do in Plantation Bay. Swimming in the freshwater and saltwater pools, went down both the gigantic and kiddie water slides, dove off a rock, belted my lungs out in a cave (unaware that everyone could hear me singing), went kayaking, wall climbing, karaoke-ing, Played table tennis and air hockey, and lazed around in the many glorious jacuzzis. All without a left thumb,hahaha. It wasn't so much those activities that required it though, it was mostly the small things like holding utensils, or changing your clothes or taking a bath that i needed it the most. HAHA.
Anyways. As part of the attempt to do everything i could possibly do in the resort, i went with my sister to madame Luz, the fortune teller with the booth at the side of the pool. Ever since that time when i was 13 or 14 when my mom just spontaneously decided to go to some fortune teller one night, just to see what she'd say, i've been a lot more open-minded to these things. Plus i wanted a follow-up to what the fortune teller in Quiapo told me when she said i was marrying a foreigner. [*snort, snort.*] Anyway, so there i was, sitting in front of a lady with short, bright orange-colored hair, silently provoking her to show me what she's got. The things she said were pretty accurate, the way she described what was going on in my life. Next, she gave me 3 questions to ask silently in my head, and, learning from my sister's fortune which was told before mine, the red colored cards meant "yes". And the answers to ate's questions always seemed to be a "yes". So i learned to phrase my questions with a positive voice, so as to get YES's as well.
First question: will i end up having a career in advertising?, i thought.
"Yes, yes, and yes", said madame Luz as she revealed 3 cards.
Alrighty then! Hmm... next: Will i get married and have a family before i reach 30?, i thought again.
"Yes", she smiled as she opened another 3.
I was on a roll! Hmm, now i had to think of something juicy. Then i remembered those very few episodes i've seen of Desperate Housewives, One Tree Hill, and The OC that i've caught. So, completely forgetting the reminder i told myself earlier to phrase my questions positively, i thought:
will my husband leave me or cheat on me?....
"Yes, yes, and all the way yes!", she announced ecstatically.
"WHAAAT???"
No way. These things might not exactly be true, but one of the things i hate most with a passion are no-good cheaters, and i was not about to accept the fortelling of me being married to one. "Can we do that again?" Later on, during the palm reading part, she let me ask another question and i repeated the same one. The answer remained the same. In my palm she also read that at one point in my life, i was going to have to choose between love and career, and, judging from the many zigzagged lines across my "love line", she said it would probably be best to choose my career instead. Oh great. I just had to go about this weekend adventure so intensely that i let a fortune teller make me believe in one of my worst fears:That i'd probably die alone. But hey, i know that i don't believe in those things, i mean, she said my sister would marry some man in uniform, probably from the army. Well, unless that man turns our to be Josh Groban, Daniel Johns, or Jim Morrison - FAT CHANCE. It's just upsetting and scary though to hear about how your life will go and sorta conditions you to thinking that all of these WILL happen. I guess it's the scary possibility that what she says will somehow be right. I mean, some fortune teller told my mom that when she's 17, her dad would die and she'd get pregnant, and she didn't believe a word of it. Sure enough, a year later my brother was born and not even he was able to meet my mom's dad.
But i won't believe it. I'll keep my faith, if it's the last thing i have.
happy are the ignorant, for they shall never experience the feeling of longing.
So what does one who is on sembreak do when most of the people she's close to are either busy or all have boyfriends or girlfriends? She could wallow in self-pity....or she could do the things she wasn't able to do during all those months of endless studying and dorkifying. In my case, it's a combination of both. Simply because no matter what i'm doing, my thoughts tend to linger and always end up thinking of what i want. I started reading the Alchemist again since i'd pretty much forgotten most of it, but it was getting me really emo so i decided to watch Rent again, for the sake of the songs ans stuff. Wrong move, Patricia. DOI, it's RENT, it's bound to set you off into a whirlwind of emotional disaster. And sure enough, that's exactly what it did. Ugh.
'The Alchemist' says, "When you want something really bad, the world conspires in helping you to get it". Do i actually believe in that saying? The extra cynical part of me thinks otherwise. But then, again it made me think of the neverending question: What do i want? Several things come to mind, but only one constantly appears and re-appears even in my dreams. The few dreams that i remember, i remember because it contains this want. This want that will not go away, despite all the defense mechanisms i try to set out to deal with it. This want in something so bad, that no amount of happy thoughts will make it go away, because it is my happy thought. It is my neverland. And i'm starting to gather cobwebs waiting around for it to get to me. Ever since this year started, i've been all about trying to find that missing portion of my so-called life, tryng new things and taking big leaps. Even if i get hurt, i just want to experience it coz i want it so bad. but even that dignity-selling stint didn't work. All around me i see them forming and happening, while i sit and watch from the sidelines waving banners of encouragement and lending ears to hear them rant about this and that. Well my arms are starting to feel like jello, and i've only got 2 ears. 2 very tired ears that are almost going deaf. When can i be the one out there? I feel so restless, trying to find a way out of these mixed up thoughts, knowing that i must have some greater purpose. And i keep wanting and wanting something more.
Now i know how you feel.
"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had... someone to live for; unafraid to say I Love You." - RENT.
All hell has been temporarily covered up
And finally i have mustered up the courage to write another entry. For some unresolved reason, i feel somewhat scared to blog now more than ever. Maybe it's because of plain ol' laziness, but mostly i think it's coz i'm afraid i won't do the thoughts in my head justice. Everytime i space out, my daydreams turn into these beautiful thoughts that i rarely get around to sharing (mostly coz i forget them after a while), and when i come face to face with the computer screen, my mind goes blank. Poof! goes the had-been wonderful thoughts. But i 'm trying to squeeze what i can, so bear with me. I think i might've forgotten how to write.
Last semester had been one helluva roller coaster ride. The ones with all those loops and drops like the ones in Coney Island or soemthing. I've got myself caught in a mess several times, and i've broken down a couple of times here and there too, although carefully making sure that no onw would see me. Not my family,my friends, no one. I wanted to pull myself out of my own tangled knots for as long as i could help it. But even a stranger would so easily be able to see the huge cry for help written all over my forehead. So for those who unexpectedly showed up or lent a very helpful hand to this dying hobbit, THANK YOU. There was a day when i only slept for 15 minutes, and a whole week where i'd be falling asleep in my classes or even while typing my frickin' paper, and the ever-so embarrassing moment where i violently jerked while napping in the study hall and created a ruckus within those oh-so-silent walls. Argh, it was made even worse because i had no computer and had to do all my work in school, aggravatingly waiting everytime for someone to finish using the computers. And the other unsolved mystery of why no matter how much i burned my eyebrows studying for Asian history, my pre-final grade ended up being a D. Even if i get an A in two subjects, that frickin' D will hinder me from getting into the dean's list. Oh well. Ugh. I'm just glad that that hell sem is overrr. However... the effects of my over-eagerness to accomplish so many things has once again caught up with me when i volunteered to head an entire blueREP event ( i can hear eya's voice in my head, angrily telling me off). Although Forlorn will be heading it with me, i've never done anything close to this before except for the summer garage sale which is nothing compared to this one. I just don't wanna screw it up.
the cards of life
Oddly enough, after a week of freedom, i'm still undergoing studying withdrawals. I'm just so used to the daily routine of coming home, eating dinner, taking a bath and studying till God knows when. Now i find myself just sitting at my study table, looking for something to do. It doesn't really matter what, just as long as it's done there. (Yes, i am aware of how dorky that sounds.) Luckily, we had a weekend getaway to Plantation Bay in Cebu. It's a good thing that most of the people there were foreigners, so no one really paid attention to the stupid things we were doing. (I cannot though, for the life of me figure out why Korean couples just HAVE to be in matching outfits. Every.single.one.of.them.) Speaking of stupid, i stupidly strained my thumb (of all things!) while frantically and "half-asleep-edly" getting out of bed, trying to answer my ringing phone which shut up right when i finally got to it. So i was without a left thumb for most of the time in Cebu. Nevertheless, i was determined to do all the possible activities there was to do in Plantation Bay. Swimming in the freshwater and saltwater pools, went down both the gigantic and kiddie water slides, dove off a rock, belted my lungs out in a cave (unaware that everyone could hear me singing), went kayaking, wall climbing, karaoke-ing, Played table tennis and air hockey, and lazed around in the many glorious jacuzzis. All without a left thumb,hahaha. It wasn't so much those activities that required it though, it was mostly the small things like holding utensils, or changing your clothes or taking a bath that i needed it the most. HAHA.
Anyways. As part of the attempt to do everything i could possibly do in the resort, i went with my sister to madame Luz, the fortune teller with the booth at the side of the pool. Ever since that time when i was 13 or 14 when my mom just spontaneously decided to go to some fortune teller one night, just to see what she'd say, i've been a lot more open-minded to these things. Plus i wanted a follow-up to what the fortune teller in Quiapo told me when she said i was marrying a foreigner. [*snort, snort.*] Anyway, so there i was, sitting in front of a lady with short, bright orange-colored hair, silently provoking her to show me what she's got. The things she said were pretty accurate, the way she described what was going on in my life. Next, she gave me 3 questions to ask silently in my head, and, learning from my sister's fortune which was told before mine, the red colored cards meant "yes". And the answers to ate's questions always seemed to be a "yes". So i learned to phrase my questions with a positive voice, so as to get YES's as well.
First question: will i end up having a career in advertising?, i thought.
"Yes, yes, and yes", said madame Luz as she revealed 3 cards.
Alrighty then! Hmm... next: Will i get married and have a family before i reach 30?, i thought again.
"Yes", she smiled as she opened another 3.
I was on a roll! Hmm, now i had to think of something juicy. Then i remembered those very few episodes i've seen of Desperate Housewives, One Tree Hill, and The OC that i've caught. So, completely forgetting the reminder i told myself earlier to phrase my questions positively, i thought:
will my husband leave me or cheat on me?....
"Yes, yes, and all the way yes!", she announced ecstatically.
"WHAAAT???"
No way. These things might not exactly be true, but one of the things i hate most with a passion are no-good cheaters, and i was not about to accept the fortelling of me being married to one. "Can we do that again?" Later on, during the palm reading part, she let me ask another question and i repeated the same one. The answer remained the same. In my palm she also read that at one point in my life, i was going to have to choose between love and career, and, judging from the many zigzagged lines across my "love line", she said it would probably be best to choose my career instead. Oh great. I just had to go about this weekend adventure so intensely that i let a fortune teller make me believe in one of my worst fears:That i'd probably die alone. But hey, i know that i don't believe in those things, i mean, she said my sister would marry some man in uniform, probably from the army. Well, unless that man turns our to be Josh Groban, Daniel Johns, or Jim Morrison - FAT CHANCE. It's just upsetting and scary though to hear about how your life will go and sorta conditions you to thinking that all of these WILL happen. I guess it's the scary possibility that what she says will somehow be right. I mean, some fortune teller told my mom that when she's 17, her dad would die and she'd get pregnant, and she didn't believe a word of it. Sure enough, a year later my brother was born and not even he was able to meet my mom's dad.
But i won't believe it. I'll keep my faith, if it's the last thing i have.
happy are the ignorant, for they shall never experience the feeling of longing.
So what does one who is on sembreak do when most of the people she's close to are either busy or all have boyfriends or girlfriends? She could wallow in self-pity....or she could do the things she wasn't able to do during all those months of endless studying and dorkifying. In my case, it's a combination of both. Simply because no matter what i'm doing, my thoughts tend to linger and always end up thinking of what i want. I started reading the Alchemist again since i'd pretty much forgotten most of it, but it was getting me really emo so i decided to watch Rent again, for the sake of the songs ans stuff. Wrong move, Patricia. DOI, it's RENT, it's bound to set you off into a whirlwind of emotional disaster. And sure enough, that's exactly what it did. Ugh.
'The Alchemist' says, "When you want something really bad, the world conspires in helping you to get it". Do i actually believe in that saying? The extra cynical part of me thinks otherwise. But then, again it made me think of the neverending question: What do i want? Several things come to mind, but only one constantly appears and re-appears even in my dreams. The few dreams that i remember, i remember because it contains this want. This want that will not go away, despite all the defense mechanisms i try to set out to deal with it. This want in something so bad, that no amount of happy thoughts will make it go away, because it is my happy thought. It is my neverland. And i'm starting to gather cobwebs waiting around for it to get to me. Ever since this year started, i've been all about trying to find that missing portion of my so-called life, tryng new things and taking big leaps. Even if i get hurt, i just want to experience it coz i want it so bad. but even that dignity-selling stint didn't work. All around me i see them forming and happening, while i sit and watch from the sidelines waving banners of encouragement and lending ears to hear them rant about this and that. Well my arms are starting to feel like jello, and i've only got 2 ears. 2 very tired ears that are almost going deaf. When can i be the one out there? I feel so restless, trying to find a way out of these mixed up thoughts, knowing that i must have some greater purpose. And i keep wanting and wanting something more.
Now i know how you feel.
"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had... someone to live for; unafraid to say I Love You." - RENT.