i need this to end
warning: this entry is hella long, but has some really important things. i don't expect you to read all of it, but i had to put some of these things down somewhere...
i have not been having the easiest, most carefree time the past week or so. i know you all got to see my complaining and you're probably sick of it, but i just need to have it...hehe ok and maybe get a little pity from people (; (oh c'mon- we wouldn't complain if we didn't want a little lovin for it, right? haha)
so in case you didn't get the memo (or the drift from my away messages, LJ posts, and general moods) i did horribly at the meet. we're talking- i long jumped a foot less than i was seeded at (and i was actually supposed to go ABOVE my seed!) and high jumped what i was 1-stepping at the beginning of the season (i am not going to give that number the glory of a name). and i did do pretty well in the hurdles, but the fact that i missed ECACs by 1/100th of a season when qualifying was my only goal the entire season- well that was like cruel and unusual punishment. (i know i know- i was so close i'll definitely make it next season blah blah blah- but doesn't being that close make it hurt even more??? because it does for me)
and all of this WAS NOT for a lack of trying! i know that sometimes i get really mental and it messes me up, but i was jumping my little heart out. i could not have done any better, which pissed me off even more. (but rachel- if you know you tried your best, why are you so unhappy?) i'm unhappy because i should be getting better, NOT worse!
well i went to pick up the workout yesterday and coach was like "got a minute?" (oh god here we go) so i say sure and lean against the doorway and he starts in:
coach: are you exhausted?
me: if you're asking do i sleep 7 hours a night and have trouble waking up from a 2-hour nap, then yes.
coach: no i don't mean sleepy tired. i mean your body. because the past three weeks you've kind of done a tailspin (motions tailspin with a downward spiral motion with his finger)
me: (ducking head because i can already feel myself flushing) i don't really know... (because i've always translated everything hurting me to not being in good enough shape, so i just train harder. i didn't know my body could reach such a state of exhaustion)
coach: i'm wondering if we maybe need to cut back on you practicing twice a day. you're in a position that nobody else is in
(my thoughts: sure i am! jacqui does 4 freakin events at conferences and wins 2, pulls in one 2nd place, and one 5th place)
coach: you are the only freshman who came into dealing with the multi events and practicing twice a day. so not only were you trying to adjust to just being at college, and then adjusting to very difficult practices, but then to doing equally taxing workouts twice a day.
(i wasn't quite sure what he was getting at so i just waited for him to say something else)
coach: the last really good meet you had was at widener when your parents were there. and i don't know if it was a coincidence that your parents were there and that was i said to you after that--
me: (interrupting) no no no! i'm not the kind of athlete- well person- who hears criticism and takes it really badly. i mean, yes it's helpful to have them at little meets like widener to support me, but i have actually banned them from championship meets before.
coach: oh really? ok. well i just didn't...well you're obviously very close to your family and i didn't know if maybe what i said to you hurt you or inhibited your performance.
me: no no it's fine.
coach: (uncomfortable pause while he decides if he should say what he's about to say) rachel...you need to start smiling again. i haven't seen you smile at practice in a couple weeks.
me: (fumbling for excuses and trying to choke back the tears) yeah i know- just things were happening with my family and i'm working my ass off in class and i have nothing to show for it and...
coach: i know it seems like when one bad thing happens, a lot of bad things happens. well what therapists tell people with depression- or who are depressed- is that they need to concentrate on what's going well.
(my thoughts: coach just implied that i'm depressed. **pause** maybe i should just tell him that this is how i always am in track. that i put a lot of pressure on myself and i've cried at track meets before and...oh well)
coach: so if things are going well with your boyfriend, or with your roommate, or anything, dwell on that. get the ball going in the other directions. don't let all the bad things snowball.
me: yeah i know... (i am now staring at the floor because i don't want him see my burning eyes)
coach: because when i see tears at track meets and hear someone say they're letting the team, i need to step back and examine what has gone wrong. rachel you didn't let anyone down. you're a freshman. the team knows you can't rely on freshmen!
me: yeah but...
coach: rachel i know you just came from high school where you were the big cheese (or something to that effect, i forget the actual word), but you were a senior then. when you were a freshman in high school, did people rely on you to win events?
me: (remembering that first sectional meet and laughing) haha- no...haha
coach: then why should they rely on you now? you're still competing against kids who are 4 years older than you and you can't expect to measure up to all of them.
me: yeah i guess not.
(enter marianne, thus the serious conversation ends and i can put that happy front back up because i really don't like crying two or three times a day)
coach told me later that he was going to have me practice with the team until thursday, then take friday-tuesday off for my body to get a little kick back in it.
this morning i woke up at 7AM (on less than 5 hours of sleep...grrr!) to go to fieldwork again. again- for those of you who missed the memo, it was awful. well i got ready and stumbled around in my morning haze, headed out the door, walked maybe 1.5 miles into downtown allentown for fieldwork. i get there, sign in, go to class, and mrs. b is absent. did not tell me that she would be absent. she just is.
so i turn my tail around and just walk back to my room. nearly an hour of walking for no reason at all. grrrr! i get back and did work that i didn't do last night. went to class. got lunch. now i'm here, anxiously awaiting my RA offer/ waitlist/ denial. the letters are available at three: T minus 84 minutes (:
i'll let you know how that goes! ooooh i hope i get the position!!!!!!!!
ok well sorry for the way long entry. bye all!
i have not been having the easiest, most carefree time the past week or so. i know you all got to see my complaining and you're probably sick of it, but i just need to have it...hehe ok and maybe get a little pity from people (; (oh c'mon- we wouldn't complain if we didn't want a little lovin for it, right? haha)
so in case you didn't get the memo (or the drift from my away messages, LJ posts, and general moods) i did horribly at the meet. we're talking- i long jumped a foot less than i was seeded at (and i was actually supposed to go ABOVE my seed!) and high jumped what i was 1-stepping at the beginning of the season (i am not going to give that number the glory of a name). and i did do pretty well in the hurdles, but the fact that i missed ECACs by 1/100th of a season when qualifying was my only goal the entire season- well that was like cruel and unusual punishment. (i know i know- i was so close i'll definitely make it next season blah blah blah- but doesn't being that close make it hurt even more??? because it does for me)
and all of this WAS NOT for a lack of trying! i know that sometimes i get really mental and it messes me up, but i was jumping my little heart out. i could not have done any better, which pissed me off even more. (but rachel- if you know you tried your best, why are you so unhappy?) i'm unhappy because i should be getting better, NOT worse!
well i went to pick up the workout yesterday and coach was like "got a minute?" (oh god here we go) so i say sure and lean against the doorway and he starts in:
coach: are you exhausted?
me: if you're asking do i sleep 7 hours a night and have trouble waking up from a 2-hour nap, then yes.
coach: no i don't mean sleepy tired. i mean your body. because the past three weeks you've kind of done a tailspin (motions tailspin with a downward spiral motion with his finger)
me: (ducking head because i can already feel myself flushing) i don't really know... (because i've always translated everything hurting me to not being in good enough shape, so i just train harder. i didn't know my body could reach such a state of exhaustion)
coach: i'm wondering if we maybe need to cut back on you practicing twice a day. you're in a position that nobody else is in
(my thoughts: sure i am! jacqui does 4 freakin events at conferences and wins 2, pulls in one 2nd place, and one 5th place)
coach: you are the only freshman who came into dealing with the multi events and practicing twice a day. so not only were you trying to adjust to just being at college, and then adjusting to very difficult practices, but then to doing equally taxing workouts twice a day.
(i wasn't quite sure what he was getting at so i just waited for him to say something else)
coach: the last really good meet you had was at widener when your parents were there. and i don't know if it was a coincidence that your parents were there and that was i said to you after that--
me: (interrupting) no no no! i'm not the kind of athlete- well person- who hears criticism and takes it really badly. i mean, yes it's helpful to have them at little meets like widener to support me, but i have actually banned them from championship meets before.
coach: oh really? ok. well i just didn't...well you're obviously very close to your family and i didn't know if maybe what i said to you hurt you or inhibited your performance.
me: no no it's fine.
coach: (uncomfortable pause while he decides if he should say what he's about to say) rachel...you need to start smiling again. i haven't seen you smile at practice in a couple weeks.
me: (fumbling for excuses and trying to choke back the tears) yeah i know- just things were happening with my family and i'm working my ass off in class and i have nothing to show for it and...
coach: i know it seems like when one bad thing happens, a lot of bad things happens. well what therapists tell people with depression- or who are depressed- is that they need to concentrate on what's going well.
(my thoughts: coach just implied that i'm depressed. **pause** maybe i should just tell him that this is how i always am in track. that i put a lot of pressure on myself and i've cried at track meets before and...oh well)
coach: so if things are going well with your boyfriend, or with your roommate, or anything, dwell on that. get the ball going in the other directions. don't let all the bad things snowball.
me: yeah i know... (i am now staring at the floor because i don't want him see my burning eyes)
coach: because when i see tears at track meets and hear someone say they're letting the team, i need to step back and examine what has gone wrong. rachel you didn't let anyone down. you're a freshman. the team knows you can't rely on freshmen!
me: yeah but...
coach: rachel i know you just came from high school where you were the big cheese (or something to that effect, i forget the actual word), but you were a senior then. when you were a freshman in high school, did people rely on you to win events?
me: (remembering that first sectional meet and laughing) haha- no...haha
coach: then why should they rely on you now? you're still competing against kids who are 4 years older than you and you can't expect to measure up to all of them.
me: yeah i guess not.
(enter marianne, thus the serious conversation ends and i can put that happy front back up because i really don't like crying two or three times a day)
coach told me later that he was going to have me practice with the team until thursday, then take friday-tuesday off for my body to get a little kick back in it.
this morning i woke up at 7AM (on less than 5 hours of sleep...grrr!) to go to fieldwork again. again- for those of you who missed the memo, it was awful. well i got ready and stumbled around in my morning haze, headed out the door, walked maybe 1.5 miles into downtown allentown for fieldwork. i get there, sign in, go to class, and mrs. b is absent. did not tell me that she would be absent. she just is.
so i turn my tail around and just walk back to my room. nearly an hour of walking for no reason at all. grrrr! i get back and did work that i didn't do last night. went to class. got lunch. now i'm here, anxiously awaiting my RA offer/ waitlist/ denial. the letters are available at three: T minus 84 minutes (:
i'll let you know how that goes! ooooh i hope i get the position!!!!!!!!
ok well sorry for the way long entry. bye all!