Good thoughts here... I'm sure I've done the "eye for an eye" thing in the past, and I know it's been a defense mechanism for me. I've been betrayed, lied to, taken advantage, etc too many times. I'm too nice of a person and once someone realizes they can use that to their advantage, I get taken advantage of.
While I definitely get where you're coming from, practically speaking, what does an "eye for an eye" accomplish? You've taught your enemies a lesson--for your benefit? Or theirs? Wouldn't you only benefit if you then kept them around thereafter? At most, wouldn't you be served better if you just moved on, and thus denied them the opportunity to betray/lie to/take advantage of you again?
Years ago, the "eye for an eye" was my way of feeling better.
Did it work? I'm not being rhetorical, here, I'm genuinely curious.
Now, I just am really careful with who I let close, and if someone breaks trust with me, they just get cut out, and I go on with my life. Granted, the desire to do something completely mean and seek revenge does surface, but I do my best to suppress it and move on.
What made you change your modus operandi?
Also, I think the people who apologize don't always consider that it's going to take you awhile to "forget" or to at least get to a point where it's not going to be at the forefront of your mind.
Very true--in fact, I think a lot of men (as much as I hate to generalize) believe that way, and I think it's because it DOES work that way for a lot of them. Perhaps men are much more in the moment, and are able to forget past slights...and maybe that's because they're (generally) stronger, and with higher self-esteem, so they don't feel the need to keep the knowledge of what happened around as protection to keep it from happening again. Just a theory I just thought of now, but...worth thinking about.
They sometimes just want things to be instantly back to normal, when whatever happened has changed things completely, and things will always be different.
I agree it's probably naive to think it can go back to the way things were as if nothing ever happened...but if you're committed to really forgiving someone, I think it's important to, if things have to change, to make them change for the better--at the very least, the person who hurt you should understand why what they did hurt you, so that they won't do it again out of understanding and compassion. (And the person who was hurt can understand why the other person did what they did, and why they meant it or didn't mean it, and why that particular issue is a hot button issue, etc. etc. etc.)
questions 1 and 3: Because "eye for an eye" doesn't really accomplish much. And also in retrospect, it seems more of a juvenile thing to do. Like it makes me imagine the nasal voice of a 5 year old going "well julie broke my truck so i'm gonna break her dolly!" or something like that. Most of this was done in grade school/high school. Once I got to college I started to change my methods. I changed to something that's less immature sounding in my head, and even though i say I "ignore" someone, I still leave myself open to hear what they have to say. I can still keep my own counsel, but at the same time, if someone is genuinely sorry for what they did, they can come back and approach me and we can go from there.
Did it work? I'm not being rhetorical, here, I'm genuinely curious.
While the plotting of the "vengance" felt good, it rarely worked the way I wanted to, and it tended to cause more issues than it was worth.
I agree it's probably naive to think it can go back to the way things were as if nothing ever happened...but if you're committed to really forgiving someone, I think it's important to, if things have to change, to make them change for the better--at the very least, the person who hurt you should understand why what they did hurt you, so that they won't do it again out of understanding and compassion. (And the person who was hurt can understand why the other person did what they did, and why they meant it or didn't mean it, and why that particular issue is a hot button issue, etc. etc. etc.)
I'm completely with you on this. For friends that I've had fights with in the past, this is what I want, and have had happen in the end, albeit it took at least a year before things started to happen. The key thing is that there has to be an understanding on both sides for this to happen and for things to work. If one party doesn't understand, or only wants to pretend to understand, it won't work out well, and just cause more issues.
questions 1 and 3: Because "eye for an eye" doesn't really accomplish much. And also in retrospect, it seems more of a juvenile thing to do. Like it makes me imagine the nasal voice of a 5 year old going "well julie broke my truck so i'm gonna break her dolly!" or something like that.
Mmm. Very true.
Most of this was done in grade school/high school. Once I got to college I started to change my methods. I changed to something that's less immature sounding in my head, and even though i say I "ignore" someone, I still leave myself open to hear what they have to say. I can still keep my own counsel, but at the same time, if someone is genuinely sorry for what they did, they can come back and approach me and we can go from there.
That sounds wonderful, actually.
While the plotting of the "vengance" felt good, it rarely worked the way I wanted to, and it tended to cause more issues than it was worth.
Yeah. I imagine that's pretty common.
I'm completely with you on this. For friends that I've had fights with in the past, this is what I want, and have had happen in the end, albeit it took at least a year before things started to happen.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes it takes some time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time.
The key thing is that there has to be an understanding on both sides for this to happen and for things to work. If one party doesn't understand, or only wants to pretend to understand, it won't work out well, and just cause more issues.
While I definitely get where you're coming from, practically speaking, what does an "eye for an eye" accomplish? You've taught your enemies a lesson--for your benefit? Or theirs? Wouldn't you only benefit if you then kept them around thereafter? At most, wouldn't you be served better if you just moved on, and thus denied them the opportunity to betray/lie to/take advantage of you again?
Years ago, the "eye for an eye" was my way of feeling better.
Did it work? I'm not being rhetorical, here, I'm genuinely curious.
Now, I just am really careful with who I let close, and if someone breaks trust with me, they just get cut out, and I go on with my life. Granted, the desire to do something completely mean and seek revenge does surface, but I do my best to suppress it and move on.
What made you change your modus operandi?
Also, I think the people who apologize don't always consider that it's going to take you awhile to "forget" or to at least get to a point where it's not going to be at the forefront of your mind.
Very true--in fact, I think a lot of men (as much as I hate to generalize) believe that way, and I think it's because it DOES work that way for a lot of them. Perhaps men are much more in the moment, and are able to forget past slights...and maybe that's because they're (generally) stronger, and with higher self-esteem, so they don't feel the need to keep the knowledge of what happened around as protection to keep it from happening again. Just a theory I just thought of now, but...worth thinking about.
They sometimes just want things to be instantly back to normal, when whatever happened has changed things completely, and things will always be different.
I agree it's probably naive to think it can go back to the way things were as if nothing ever happened...but if you're committed to really forgiving someone, I think it's important to, if things have to change, to make them change for the better--at the very least, the person who hurt you should understand why what they did hurt you, so that they won't do it again out of understanding and compassion. (And the person who was hurt can understand why the other person did what they did, and why they meant it or didn't mean it, and why that particular issue is a hot button issue, etc. etc. etc.)
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"ignore" someone, I still leave myself open to hear what they have to say. I can still keep my own counsel, but at the same time, if someone is genuinely sorry for what they did, they can come back and approach me and we can go from there.
Did it work? I'm not being rhetorical, here, I'm genuinely curious.
While the plotting of the "vengance" felt good, it rarely worked the way I wanted to, and it tended to cause more issues than it was worth.
I agree it's probably naive to think it can go back to the way things were as if nothing ever happened...but if you're committed to really forgiving someone, I think it's important to, if things have to change, to make them change for the better--at the very least, the person who hurt you should understand why what they did hurt you, so that they won't do it again out of understanding and compassion. (And the person who was hurt can understand why the other person did what they did, and why they meant it or didn't mean it, and why that particular issue is a hot button issue, etc. etc. etc.)
I'm completely with you on this. For friends that I've had fights with in the past, this is what I want, and have had happen in the end, albeit it took at least a year before things started to happen. The key thing is that there has to be an understanding on both sides for this to happen and for things to work. If one party doesn't understand, or only wants to pretend to understand, it won't work out well, and just cause more issues.
Reply
Mmm. Very true.
Most of this was done in grade school/high school. Once I got to college I started to change my methods. I changed to something that's less immature sounding in my head, and even though i say I "ignore" someone, I still leave myself open to hear what they have to say. I can still keep my own counsel, but at the same time, if someone is genuinely sorry for what they did, they can come back and approach me and we can go from there.
That sounds wonderful, actually.
While the plotting of the "vengance" felt good, it rarely worked the way I wanted to, and it tended to cause more issues than it was worth.
Yeah. I imagine that's pretty common.
I'm completely with you on this. For friends that I've had fights with in the past, this is what I want, and have had happen in the end, albeit it took at least a year before things started to happen.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes it takes some time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time.
The key thing is that there has to be an understanding on both sides for this to happen and for things to work. If one party doesn't understand, or only wants to pretend to understand, it won't work out well, and just cause more issues.
Yes. Very true.
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