Motherbrain: Bullying and practicality
http://kdvr.com/2012/04/18/9-year-old-suspended-after-he-says-he-stood-up-to-a-bully/
My son is 9. This year, there has been a boy in his class who decided, for some odd reason (I think it had something to do with a bigger boy's influence), that my son was his 'mortal enemy.' For several weeks in a row, my son would come home with a bruise, an ache, or I think, even one time, there might have been bleeding. He would try to talk to him, to become his friend, only to be rebuffed and hurt. I have tried to teach him that the best way to conquer an enemy is to become his friend. I have tried to teach him the three steps of befriend, walk away, then call a teacher. Thus far, it's worked.
Let me fill you in on some background. When I was in school, for most of my school experience, I was clearly the 'strange one.' Early on, I was the girl whose small co-op home school had burned down. Then I was the 'weird American' (when I lived in Canada). Then, when I started the school I graduated from (small, Christian school I started in 4th grade), I was alternatively: the weird kid from Canada, the poor kid, the brainy one and the geek (yes, they are different). I say this not to get sympathy or retribution, but to point out that I know. If famous people can make an "It gets better" video for those individuals dealing with gender and sexual issues, I could make one for those who got ostracized and ignored, just for being different through economic differences, being smarter (and enjoying learning), and being clumsy. I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood; the ones I do remember are spending my favorite hours with books, crying on the curb at recess because I didn't have someone to play with, or had gotten forced away from the playground, or eventually, when I gave up, sitting in the back corner of the field, beyond the baseball diamond, using my scissors to poke holes in dandelion stems to make chains.
My husband's experience was slightly more hands-on. For various reasons, one of which was him moving around more than I did, he was actually beaten quite a bit. To protect himself, he took up martial arts.
All this to say that my son probably comes by it honestly, and that he has two parents who understand completely what he's going through.
This is a sticky situation, though. In theory, I agree that no child should hit another child. However, in practice, it doesn't seem to stop bullying. It may stop it getting physical, but it doesn't stop the stares, the comments, the brushes in the hallway, destruction of property, etc.
Some may say, "Oh, those children never learn." Oh, they learn just fine. They just learn the lessons we teach them through our actions much more quickly than the ones we speak out to them. If we're rude on the road, cussing other drivers, they will push past other children in the hallway, not caring about their safety. When someone inevitably gets hurt, they use foul language, because that's how it's done. When you come home from work talking about how you have scored a sweet deal from your friend, getting something for nothing at his expense, your kid hears that it's okay to prey upon the weak. If he can corner that kid, he can make him do his homework or take his lunch money. If Dad encourages competition between his children, favoring the 'winner', it teaches the kid that he can do anything as long as he is seen as the most important one, no matter what it takes. The list goes on. I'm not a perfect mother by any means at all. I do know, though, that they hear this stuff loud and clear, whether we want them to or not.
Bulllying is a cultural norm, unfortunately. I was told it was part of growing up. That there were times in my life when I would not be very popular at all in the eyes of my peers, and that those times would be cyclical and varied. I was told that 'popularity' didn't matter, because I was better than that, smarter than that, and didn't need the 'attagirl' of my friends when my family and church and others knew me for who I was and could give me the love and validation I needed. I am trying to teach my son some of this, but I hate that that's the case. I hate that I have to teach him that it's a normal thing. That every person experiences rejection and disapproval from somewhere. That people badmouth others to make themselves feel better. I don't mind telling him this, though: when you're bullied, you are the stronger one, because you do not stoop to their level. You must matter to them, because they do pay attention. It's never easy, never fun, but if you can trust that we love you and are proud of you no matter what, then you come out stronger.
My experience was painful, but it's a part of who I am. However, it is more painful to have to see your baby come home from school with a lump on his head, with a bruise, with a wrenched arm, and not be able to do anything but email the teacher and hope she isn't too busy or overworked to deal with it. I won't teach my child to hit back, but the temptation is pretty great.
No matter your age, folks, don't bully. Just don't.
My son is 9. This year, there has been a boy in his class who decided, for some odd reason (I think it had something to do with a bigger boy's influence), that my son was his 'mortal enemy.' For several weeks in a row, my son would come home with a bruise, an ache, or I think, even one time, there might have been bleeding. He would try to talk to him, to become his friend, only to be rebuffed and hurt. I have tried to teach him that the best way to conquer an enemy is to become his friend. I have tried to teach him the three steps of befriend, walk away, then call a teacher. Thus far, it's worked.
Let me fill you in on some background. When I was in school, for most of my school experience, I was clearly the 'strange one.' Early on, I was the girl whose small co-op home school had burned down. Then I was the 'weird American' (when I lived in Canada). Then, when I started the school I graduated from (small, Christian school I started in 4th grade), I was alternatively: the weird kid from Canada, the poor kid, the brainy one and the geek (yes, they are different). I say this not to get sympathy or retribution, but to point out that I know. If famous people can make an "It gets better" video for those individuals dealing with gender and sexual issues, I could make one for those who got ostracized and ignored, just for being different through economic differences, being smarter (and enjoying learning), and being clumsy. I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood; the ones I do remember are spending my favorite hours with books, crying on the curb at recess because I didn't have someone to play with, or had gotten forced away from the playground, or eventually, when I gave up, sitting in the back corner of the field, beyond the baseball diamond, using my scissors to poke holes in dandelion stems to make chains.
My husband's experience was slightly more hands-on. For various reasons, one of which was him moving around more than I did, he was actually beaten quite a bit. To protect himself, he took up martial arts.
All this to say that my son probably comes by it honestly, and that he has two parents who understand completely what he's going through.
This is a sticky situation, though. In theory, I agree that no child should hit another child. However, in practice, it doesn't seem to stop bullying. It may stop it getting physical, but it doesn't stop the stares, the comments, the brushes in the hallway, destruction of property, etc.
Some may say, "Oh, those children never learn." Oh, they learn just fine. They just learn the lessons we teach them through our actions much more quickly than the ones we speak out to them. If we're rude on the road, cussing other drivers, they will push past other children in the hallway, not caring about their safety. When someone inevitably gets hurt, they use foul language, because that's how it's done. When you come home from work talking about how you have scored a sweet deal from your friend, getting something for nothing at his expense, your kid hears that it's okay to prey upon the weak. If he can corner that kid, he can make him do his homework or take his lunch money. If Dad encourages competition between his children, favoring the 'winner', it teaches the kid that he can do anything as long as he is seen as the most important one, no matter what it takes. The list goes on. I'm not a perfect mother by any means at all. I do know, though, that they hear this stuff loud and clear, whether we want them to or not.
Bulllying is a cultural norm, unfortunately. I was told it was part of growing up. That there were times in my life when I would not be very popular at all in the eyes of my peers, and that those times would be cyclical and varied. I was told that 'popularity' didn't matter, because I was better than that, smarter than that, and didn't need the 'attagirl' of my friends when my family and church and others knew me for who I was and could give me the love and validation I needed. I am trying to teach my son some of this, but I hate that that's the case. I hate that I have to teach him that it's a normal thing. That every person experiences rejection and disapproval from somewhere. That people badmouth others to make themselves feel better. I don't mind telling him this, though: when you're bullied, you are the stronger one, because you do not stoop to their level. You must matter to them, because they do pay attention. It's never easy, never fun, but if you can trust that we love you and are proud of you no matter what, then you come out stronger.
My experience was painful, but it's a part of who I am. However, it is more painful to have to see your baby come home from school with a lump on his head, with a bruise, with a wrenched arm, and not be able to do anything but email the teacher and hope she isn't too busy or overworked to deal with it. I won't teach my child to hit back, but the temptation is pretty great.
No matter your age, folks, don't bully. Just don't.