i've got the no lappy blues
my lappy had a broken heart. so he went away for two weeks to get it "fixed". i think he just wanted some space.
the following is unrelated to the previous:
it feels as though the whole world is too heavy. like pieces of lead have been tied to the corners of my heart and now everything bears this overwhelming weight; a heaviness that keeps me from looking on the bright side and letting things slide. so now everything is a serious problem when is shouldn't be and i have no idea how i actually feel about anything because i'm so out of touch with my emotions and myself that i don't even know who i want to be anymore, let alone who i am. under all that pressure, the feelings that i refuse to recognize just liquefy and bubble and stew until i just erupt like a volcano, spewing molten frustration on the unexpecting people of the surrounding village. and i refuse to recognize them because i am completely scared that i might actually be a horrible horrible person. what if i take a good long look at myself and realize that i'm an overindulgent, judgemental, selfish, arrogant moron who has no concept of considering other people's feelings? i know for a fact that i am a world-champion grudge holder, and when i feel like what little self esteem i have is being threatened, i argue and fight like a cornered animal to make the other person feel bad just to make myself feel better. i alienate other people by putting myself down in public. i overwork myself so i don't have time to sit and think about who i am and what i really honestly want to do with myself. i am disappointed in so many people because i am disappointed in myself. i'm angry at people for being rampant hypocrites, but don't consider that i might be the same way. i don't want to be that person.
my grandfather died last month. we had a memorial service for him two weeks ago. the church was full and everyone had some glowing commentary or special story about bob. and i knew every single good thing said about him was true, because he was an amazing person. and i felt so badly for not appreciating him while he was around. he always seemed to know what to say and do to make you feel like a special person. he knew how to fix everything. he was kind and gentle and quiet and supportive and funny. he was a consistent, determined, humble guy. and i don't think i can accurately express in words how much i'll miss him, because i want so much to be like him. to focus on the good in people and forgive the bad. to live a good, full life.
now i feel a little lighter
the following is unrelated to the previous:
it feels as though the whole world is too heavy. like pieces of lead have been tied to the corners of my heart and now everything bears this overwhelming weight; a heaviness that keeps me from looking on the bright side and letting things slide. so now everything is a serious problem when is shouldn't be and i have no idea how i actually feel about anything because i'm so out of touch with my emotions and myself that i don't even know who i want to be anymore, let alone who i am. under all that pressure, the feelings that i refuse to recognize just liquefy and bubble and stew until i just erupt like a volcano, spewing molten frustration on the unexpecting people of the surrounding village. and i refuse to recognize them because i am completely scared that i might actually be a horrible horrible person. what if i take a good long look at myself and realize that i'm an overindulgent, judgemental, selfish, arrogant moron who has no concept of considering other people's feelings? i know for a fact that i am a world-champion grudge holder, and when i feel like what little self esteem i have is being threatened, i argue and fight like a cornered animal to make the other person feel bad just to make myself feel better. i alienate other people by putting myself down in public. i overwork myself so i don't have time to sit and think about who i am and what i really honestly want to do with myself. i am disappointed in so many people because i am disappointed in myself. i'm angry at people for being rampant hypocrites, but don't consider that i might be the same way. i don't want to be that person.
my grandfather died last month. we had a memorial service for him two weeks ago. the church was full and everyone had some glowing commentary or special story about bob. and i knew every single good thing said about him was true, because he was an amazing person. and i felt so badly for not appreciating him while he was around. he always seemed to know what to say and do to make you feel like a special person. he knew how to fix everything. he was kind and gentle and quiet and supportive and funny. he was a consistent, determined, humble guy. and i don't think i can accurately express in words how much i'll miss him, because i want so much to be like him. to focus on the good in people and forgive the bad. to live a good, full life.
now i feel a little lighter