DAMNIT
two nights ago i woke up a mess after an intense dream about evan. i had spent the day trying to buy him a birthday gift and realizing how far away form him i felt and then that night i had a dream where he was there. he was a bit older and i was there. he had a girlfriend and i was jealous. i think there was someone with me as well but i was head over heels for evan. it was dinner and we were all sitting down. it was dark with only a small light overhead. the person i was with left the table and he was holding her hand. i went to say something and realized i had nothing to say. it had been too long. i didnt have anything to say anymore. i didnt know him anymore. he was too far away. too far. and i got up from the table and i heard them whisper-she wanted to go. she wanted to leave and evan said he didnt know why they would have to stay much longer. and i was crushed. and he was so far. so far away.
then there was last night. This time i was on a train or bus or car in new York and new jersey. He's with me. he has his long hair tied back and looks beautiful. We're taking picture of the bridges, the buildings reflecting in the water. the moon shining down on the black water. He is holding the camera because my hands aren't steady
enough and I might be driving. We are talking and feeling Something. He leans his head on my right shoulder. It is late and we On a bridge passing over the water and it is so pretty. I put my hand on the back of his head. Run my hand through his hair then let it linger. He takes another photo. He turns and looks at me. At the same time,
talking over each other we say 'i've missed you.' Then he lingers and then kisses me. He kisses me! A long. Wonderful kiss. And I'm happy and he says exactly when I do that he loves me. He missed me. I say I'm surprised because it's been so long. Because of eveyrthing. He starts talking. We both say we shouldnt let any more mistakes get in the way. He is excited and sitting facing me now looking right at me and he is happy, he is happy with me. I think were in a gondola. He is looking right into my eyes and says we can't waste this again. We should
get married. We love each other. We can't let this get away again
I'm so sick with emotion I wake up and get physically sick.
its too close. everything is too close and too far. i cant be stable everything is just out of reach and yet swimming around my head.
i miss evan more and more. today is fred's birthday. i feel it changing my blood, my dna. i feel it. i wanted to wish him a happy birthday in person hear his voice again, feel his arms. its been so many years and yet i swear i can feel his hands still, the big, warm hands, i remember them, i feel them.
but then i feel evan too.
ive tried to find other solutions everyone knows that. and ive come close. things with dave seemed so promising. he is so smart, smarter than me and he knows more about how im thinking then i could have ever dreamt. i feel so close to him sometimes and he can make me feel so safe. he is good at knowing what to do and how to help me. and i start to think it could work, that things could have hope but then something happens. then we are lying on his couch discussing the weekend ahead and he says i cant go to an event in a blanket tone with no explanation. then it takes me a few minutes to understand what he's saying is that he is going with another girl and i wont want to see what happens. then i feel worthless, unlovable, pathetic and stupid and scared and lonely. and then i tell him he cant stay the night with me. and then he gets upset with me. and then we have silence and then he disapears and doesnt answer my emails for a week, and never comes back and doesnt think he should have to. then i feel lost again. then i hurt again but even more because i know even more than no one will want me, that i will always have to compromise, be one of many because im not enough for someone to love just me. dave makes me say im crazy, he thinks it will help me be more open to therapy. he would be good for me but probably kill me.
and we all know Eduardo. we all know how i feel about him. i hadnt seen him in what felt like so long so i went over to his place one night. we had some drinks and talked. i forgot how he feels to be around. i made the weeks without him just fine. i had forgotten what he was like. i hadnt missed him anywhere near as much as i expected. i had been just as busy and i was ok. but being near him, having fun with him... its like our energy just fits well. he talked of hiring me to help him get his life organized. i said he would need to give me chocolate. he said he had been thinking cash. that shocked me. i had no idea he actually respected me. sometimes im surprised anyone as great as him could even want to talk to me. it was late and i was drunk. he let me stay the night. he held me in his arm, lying in his bed and i felt wonderful. i talked to him about all these things i wanted him to know. and i missed him. he pulled my hair from my face and talked to me. he told me i would be alright. he told me i would be alright. i was so far past tired. i barely remember. he kissed me. i must not have responded well because i remember hearing him say it was supposed to be reassuring. im sure it was, just more than he could tell. i dont really remember what happened next but i know i got to kiss him again. i know eventually we went pretty far. i know i got up and cleaned up. i know i went back to bed with him. i know i fell asleep with him. i know i woke up happy to be near him. i know i chided myself for being happy that day. i knew it wouldnt last. i knew i would get hurt. i feel so wonderful when im with him. it didnt mean anything. hes happy with lucy and wants nothing from me. it did hurt me.
then theres chris. i finally asked him what he wanted from me because i just dont know. he has impressed me so much, more than i could have thought. he has introduced me to his friends, he goes to social things with me. he is sweet and kind and smart and funny and has all the same... interests as i do. but i dont know what that will make. he wants to go out and party all the time. i want to feel safe. i remember this question a while ago on some dating site "are you looking for someone to come home to or go out with?" him and i would definitely disagree on that and i dont know then what we would be. he said he wants to date me. he asked me what i thought. all i could think at the moment was that i wished we were in person to talk about it. i dont know when ill get to see him. i dont know how much itll matter. itll still be the same question. i need to know what he wants from a relationship. i need to see if he could ever even be happy with me.
all of my friends want it to be chris. all of them. everyone wants me to end up with chris, less complicated, nice guy, good guy. time to move on. time to enjoy something. thats what they all say. but me?
ive been screaming for help for so long. i want someone to hear me. i want someone besides my own brain to hear me. i want someone to give me a new dream. i want someone to wake me up. i want someone to get me through this nightmare. to hold me and make me feel safe. to tuck me back in and promise to be there in the morning.
i havent bought evan a birthday gift yet. i did buy fred a card. i still have a box for fred with presents that ive carried around for years, through every move, through every break up.
there is a cost to hope that people never discus. there is a price to wishing. every time you invest in hope you are transferring this unimaginable weight. you are giving that weight over to whatever it is you are wishing on. if you throw a coin in a well, if you pull a four leaf clover, you are taking that unbearable weight, you are taking that heaviness that resides in you, that pulls you under and into your thoughts and you are handing off that selfishness, that burden to that coin, to that clover and begging for help, begging for the weight to be lifted just long enough that maybe you can breath. because that is luck. finding that support, finding that air, that is luck. that is how we get our dreams. we learn to breath again. we pass along that weight and maybe, somehow that coin, that clover will take that weight and will help us, will carry it for us, will send messages and vibrations to the world around us, to help the world allign, to change the facts, to change the 520 train to get in early so that we can have a world where that is this the future truth, so that the clover can dissolve into the dirt which can be eaten by a worm which can be caught by a child who can slow down the walkway at the intersection so the bus has to miss the light and the passengers are stuck for just a few more minutes lost in thoughts so that the neurons in his brain can remember something, can string together a memory and he can miss me. so that somehow, somehow, i can breath and evan can miss me. and we can talk over each other.
I think things can work with Dave then told not to come
Chris sounds good then never responds.
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