11 months
you all know what this is right? its a countdown. its that clock on the cover of time magazine. its either insanity or a new life. peace and freedom or panic and descent.
this weekend. anyone want to venture a guess? one year since i saw him. it was 2010 at the bite of seattle. how i loved him. how i remember wanting him to kiss me and the way he ignored me, and the way he said no. it was this past weekend. it was always our event. more over, the space needle was ours. i remember my first kiss with evan. only other person i remember the first kiss with is fred. i remember everything about it. i remember being on the kitchen counter in that apartment. i remember him coming towards me and me in that moment second guessing myself, thinking i wasnt sure how to do this anymore, wondering what would happen. wondering if he would stay the night. i remember how close he was to me. and i remember being shy after. and i remember how much i smiled. he would spill red wine later. he would lie with me in bed and promise that he would teach me to fall asleep with him. and he would sneak out early in the morning to get rock salt to get the red wine out of the carpet. i remember getting ice cream the next day. i remember how exhausted i was walking back to my apartment with him and wondering if he'd want to see me again soon.
want to know how long ago? it was over five years ago. and he was amazing, and hope, and love. he ate fruit off the trees. and i was happy.
11 months have passed since i spoke to him. since i heard his voice. since he remembered me. since i had hope. since i was ok.
now its time to recap. in 11 months much has happened, little has changed worth note. i need someone to talk to. to say all this out loud to while i watch the tide come in but thats not really what i have anymore so we make do because i have to get this out now.
in 11 months i have lost every friend i ever had. i have had close friends betray me in a way i couldnt at the time comprehend. i have let go of people i cared about because holding on to them was more than i could take. i have let those i had casual contact with fall away because i didnt see a point in holding up a pretense when i ws the only one doing work. and i have engaged in a hell of a lot of grief.
daniel and i fell out. the details of which are more than public and not worth getting into other than that it hurt me more than i can say. daniel however is truly the catalyst for the past six months. he is what started the goal of experimenting but lets back up slightly.
my way of dealing with everything with evan was not great. i didnt know how to deal so i didnt. i begged people to listen to me, to help me but no one would and one by one they gave up on me and left. i tried to escape and took a vacation with ryburn fully aware of what would come and wanting the escape.
i tried dating actually. met two rather nice guys. i liked them both. nothing came of it. i remember the car ride, the long, long car ride where i got it, that it wasnt right. i tried hooking up with the people still left, the ghosts as i occassionally refer to them: adam and james. they were entertaining for a short time if only because they were so similar but ultimately there is a reason they are where they are: neither are able to care about someone else right now.
daniel is the one who made me go to therapy. he found a program. it was right before my birthday last year and i pushed it off. i remember because i remember the thoughts i was thinking before that birthday. oddly enough it was therapy that taught me the things all of you hate. when i went in for the interview i remember trying to figure out what i would need to say to be accepted. well that was easier than i thought. i lied. you know how all of you ask about why i flinch? and all of you hate my answer: i taught myself. well guess what... therapy taught me the other habit all of you detest. turns out i liked it. who would have guessed right? therapy would teach me much but my guess is that all of you would have much preferred i never started.
i dove into work because... well it made me stop thinking. and. frankly, i was fantastic at it. turns out that completely being controlling and a workaholic protestant bodes well in retail and i doubt the introverted, no drama hurt.
it came up around... oh when? new years? i think that was the freak out. by then i had lost daniel. hardly spoke to my roommate really, ignored calls from jason, ryburn, jenny, hell marissa had gone to writing me damn letters because she coudlnt reach me. it was then that i understood he broke his promises. thats about when i started seeing michael. so nice. i just... well it couldnt have worked. and that car ride back from the snow. there was nothing to come back from. i remember sitting in the terminal in south carolina getting texts from neil asking what i was running away from. saying i just hadnt ever had someone love me unconditionally. my how fast the boys fell. i remember getting calls from michael while i sat outsite watching the damn sunset from the gazebo in arizona, talking about Christmas presents.
it was a month later things got to the next level of hell. i saw her post. i saw she was here. on my turf. in my sanctuary. in my home. with my love. that was when i gave up talking to people. that was when i understood that i had no place here any longer and that was when i started thinking of leaving. i started planning a trip far, far away. wanted to move away. i knew i couldnt go outside anymore. i knew i couldnt go in public again.
i met curtis. remember him? remember how quickly that dissolved? remember how late i would stay up talking to him, telling him things. remember how he promised to stay? remember how he didnt. and yet the all come back. in some way. i think my favorite is the "i always think of you when it rains." the sad part is i believe some of them. i stayed away from the daylight. i wouldnt leave. turned down any and all invitations. i would go to adam/james' to pass out because i knew i honestly didnt make a difference if i was there or not, there life was exactly the same, and frankly, some degree of honesty was nice. months actually i didnt leave. just didnt. no need. couldnt deal. wasnt worth the risk. and my how i hated my therapist.
and then came portland. it was my trip. anyone know initially what the goal was? be shocked if you did. has to do with fred though. probably the best part of the past year. lost evan and God gave me fred back, woudlnt have survived without Him. (you can interpret that however you wish). i went to portland to talk to fred. because i coudlnt bear to email him from my house. he was too important anymore. and i wanted to hear his voice. it was my first attempt to get away. i wanted to see a psychic. anyone know that? how fred laughed at that... it was also where i took a first step towards a different escape. i went to a munch. met some of the sweetest puppies ever, and a few decent people, none memorable.
when i came back is when things with daniel just ended and it wasnt worth effort to fix any longer, it was costing far more than it had been worth. but somehow, somewhere in there came the experiment. this idea that perhaps i could escape myself, give all of myself and want nothing, expect nothing back and it could work. although the premise is muddle and conflicted it was the start of everything else. the thought was to not remember him shaking me. scaring me. the thought was to dictate the terms of the memories, the feeling of the friendship by giving more and more of myself, to be like Jesus. needless to say it didnt work. i tried using everything i learned in therapy on it. not holding attachment, observing, communication, etc. but he had some messed up issues with his girlfriend that will never be solved. he is stuck which was scary for someone who is also stuck. but it put some ideas in my head and those are where the trouble started.
so i started. in april david and i left. i had one chance to see what i could repair with someone from a decade ago. i did it. i felt him hold me there, i felt him want me. and i felt myself sneak out in the middle of the night. but i also felt myself remember what it was like to randomly move to the other side of the country and i knew i could do it again. i also knew i wanted to go to school. i also knew i had to go back.
so i started being social it was all an experiment i told myself. and frankly, a lot of it was true but i didnt know how much. and i was wrong about the biggest part.
my goal was to be popular. to see how fast and to what intensity i could make that happen. and so i did. i took what worked and went with it. brought out something i was hiding and used that as leverage. fantastic right? munches were good. i met a guy straight away. caleb. he lied to me. multiple times. so i went again. met more. my goal was to not go a day without seeing people. ive averaged more than one person a day. my goal was to be able to have a certain effect. i already was told i could have it, could have had it. but i didnt need it anymore. i knew how. i scripted the whole damn thing. i didnt need it anymore. i found people i actually really cared for. Charlie, Evan, Hannah. (hey had my first girl kiss!). people were kind to me. everyone wanted to touch me. and in a group dedicated to sex, its about the only thing i wasnt doing. people were legitamately kind to me, caring of me, and friendly with me. i had a wonderful time.
too good.
and then like all else it got complicated. i met a guy i was happy to date because i trusted him and thought him to be stable. he left me twice. i know jake will do it again, its who he is. i also know he could have loved me. i try to let it bother me as much as it does because it serves a purpose for now and i believe he likes me. i met brian. oh but how i adore him. he became this utterly fascinating and sweet guy that i could just talk to. until he hit on me. but i think thats cleared up by now. then there was nicholas who wanted to protect me. too bad that meant going back on things he said, hurting me, scaring me and well making me black out. i also met people who wanted to use me. and people who just wanted to be friends with me. i met topher of all people. the sweetest guy ever who i more than annoy but i cant imagine not knowing him now. oh and justin for all his kindness. and leo and omg matt. and people like sawyer! most interesting kid ever. my but do i adore him. and then...well then it was time for me to bring the harem. thats what brian calls it. i think of it more as returning the favor of justin and doing what i know i can do. haha evan and hannah at one of the nights, well evan gave me the challenge to get a boy up out of the corner by talking to him. i did so so much more. i made him get up, i made him introduce himself to everyone, i made him make friends, i made him go to events in the future. i know how i look in a red dress with a black belt and with a drink. i know that boys will want me but more over i know i come across as innocent and i know that the fact that i dont do groups well makes me relate to others individually extremely well which means i can make people feel important, feel special, at least for a short time. and that motivation, well that can get a boy out of a chair. and so i recruited. over the past few months i have brought close to 20 people out. not bad if i say so myself. its something i can do. i actually, oddly, dont view it as manipulation either. i love it. i make people feel special enough that they feel comfortable, that they make friends. dave told me that the could make me feel emotions and i didnt believe him but when i saw chris, one of the boys i made come out, making out with this girl, i was so happy. so yes. social. those were the happier ones. then, then the more complicated.
then i met eduardo and then i met dave. in truth i met them far earlier but things neednt get so messy in writing. dave doesnt remember the first time we met anyhow. i shouldnt expect him to those to be fair, most others have. he was the first real experiment. i didnt think he much cared for me when we went out once so i wanted to know if i coudl change that. if i could make him like me. so i tried changing my posture, my tone of voice and edited the conversation. i tried manufacturing a connection. (this by the way will be the theme for the rest of the year.) it worked. he liked me. i didnt even realize it at the time to be honest. but i saw him again shortly after. and again. and something about it stayed. i didnt. i was reserved and for good reason. i knew it would turn out like curtis. he said he wanted me to be his. i knew his status on the important things and thought it would be ok anyway. it wasnt so much. but now its far too late. i bond quickly. but lets leave this one for a moment.
then i met eduardo. eduardo... i dont even know where to start. the first time we met he watched me for hours as i made out with hannah. i dont think he even knew my name. he took a pen out and wrote his information on my hand in what i called "non letters". i talked to him shortly thereafter. i met him in bellevue. i remember not understanding what the hell i was doing there with him because he seemed so not interested in me. i remember walking through cal anderson park and sitting on a bench as i told him some stuff... a lot of stuff. and i remember him kissing me. and i remember him telling me he liked me. and i remember the rest of the day. and the days after. and then i remember a few weeks later when he found a very young girl who wanted sex. he told me he didnt see us still together in a few years but couldnt tell me anything else. he said he only wanted a relationship he could see lasting. so he started dating her. she is leaving at the end of the summer and has a boyfriend. we'll let it go. the trouble is... i rather like this guy. way more than i should. i like him too much. i feel different around him. like i dont have to be happy all the time. like i can be honest. i cleaned his place for him. we have the same damn cds, dvds, memberships and he even has a pin of one of my stuff animals. oh yea and the same camera. it goes on and gets worse but lets spare me the remembering. i am able to text him occasionally and see him about as often. every time... it fucking sucks. we went to the zoo the week past. i saw a spider and i remember him being behind me suddenly, i coudlnt tell you how he got there. his arms around me holding me there. explaining the spider to me. trying to make me calm down. the way he spoke to me. his voice on me. his hands. we have to skip a few minutes or ill lose it. so. he occassionally tells me these thigns and i instantly fall back to where i was. to how i was. to truth. or as close as there is to it anymore. he turned to me the other day and told me i had to quit my job, that i was beneath me. i nearly cried. and did i mention he would be the only person ive fall asleep with? yea it sucks. and i cant get it out of my mind.
lets end this while we can shall we?
i have all of this invested. i got something. but even that became a pattern. i dotn know if id say a crutch but yes, i see people as often as i do, set up lunches and meetings and events because now its what i know. i leave work early whenever i can. i dont know what its like to have a day by myself. its no different though. either way i am still sinking.
i have created this catch 22. if i move on from evan than that means that it meant nothing. it means that i cant trust myself again in a relationship because i could be that wrong again. it means i could think someone else ws the one but he would leave me too. it means i would wake up in the middle of the night, every night, long after the ring was on my finger, because i would be scared he wouldnt be there when i woke up. now then if i dont move on, well i cant date again because that would mean i had moved on. it would mean i have to give up for him, i have to wait for him. it would mean admitting to it all being the end. it would mean that what i am doing now is nothing more than killing time. and it would mean that i have cursed myself. that i have taken something God gave to me which i didnt deserve and i have squandered it. it would also mean i couldnt be trusted with anything of value again and that i am worthless and dont deserve anything. including being loved and cared for. see the problem i have created? to love someone else means i didnt love evan. but when love is my only goal i have quite a quandry.
so now here were are. 11 months and while the circumstances have changed ever so slightly i am in the same place. i read recently something by someone i respect which said if you dont know what change sometimets its enough to change something. so i tried. i tried clinging, i tried being alone, i tried holding on and i tried branching out. i tried working i tried running i tried learning. and lastly, lastly i tried an experiment. the thing im learning though is that i had it all wrong. over and over again what i hear is "i didnt expect this". i am the experiment. i thought that somehow i was this massive conductor. im the experiment. my whole thoery is that people do what they are. so theres a reason people teach DBT skills, its because they have BPD. i wanted a formula for people, i wanted to understand how to make friends. i wanted to understand how to make people like me. i wanted to understand how to make it safe because thats all i want, thats what i am. i have aspbergers and thats all ive tried to solve. ive wanted a solution to get him back. for eleven months i have wanted a way to fix it. because he was all i loved.
and its eleven months. and so much as has happened. i have failed my experiment 62 times. but it is the only thing i want. the only thing that would give me purpose. i miss him. i have all of these thoughts. these ways to make peace with it all. you know i still buy him presents? birthday... Christmas... i friended his friends on facebook to hear about his life. i took down every picture in my room, my house because of what they were. i hid my necklace. my italy necklace, the one im to be burried in. i keep lists of things i miss. i would ride my bike for hours, far away, trying to get lost wondering if he could even spell my name any longer. i bought a thanksgiving card for his sister. and now. now im older.
and its eleven months. i can see myself you know. from above sometimes. floating in that prism outside the rest of humanity. just watching. i see it twirling around beneath me going way to fast and i know im not part of it. jakery told me that the things i see in my eyes are a result of something not desolving when i was a baby which implies i was indeed a baby but... i never was. my thoughts are honestly about the same. i thought of sex since i was in kindergarden. wanted to be dominated since i was in first grade. and i think about stuff animals now. i ended up here. i was never a part of this. and now i can watch. but. more terrifying. i can watch myself sink. i can watch myself open my mouth to scream for help as the water calmly swarms in around me but i dont fight it. i can see up through the ice and i know theres no one from the boat left anymore.
you know i used to hear people. hear them screaming, crying for help from me. i used to think i would be able to save them but i knew it wasnt time yet. fred used to tell me that he could see himself with his future wife. this scene. him on a swing and her, with red hair, pushing him. i dont belong in any of the scenes. i am always outside. always watching. sometimes makes me feel immortal in the sense i was never alive.
theres this book the fountain which holds the basic premise that life starts with death. that death is ultimately creation. so when someone dies and is burried their body will eventually be a tree and then will be in the fruit on the tree which will be eaten by a crow who will carry it miles away. i rather like this thought somehow. there is this thought that people stop being afraid. i mentioned before about acceptance verse panic when i was tied up. the fear lets go. perhaps and maybe.
all i want now is to sit with evan on the beach, late at night, under the lighthouse, and tell him everything while the water gets closer and closer to our feet. the stars dont feel so light out there. they have this heaviness that makes you feel like you should whisper. i want to know his thoughts on everything. i want to feel his chest in that brown striped button up shirt under me. i want to feel his hand in my hair. and i want to feel him hold me closer. i want to be able to kiss him again and feel the same stubble on his face that i always did. i remember how his skin feels. i didnt know i could. i asked him for a few things before he left. my snow globe back. for him to call me when he broke up with her. an animal from him. and a promise to keep a picture of me with him. i wanted the animal from him because i wanted to hear his voice. its been elven months. its been long.
its been nearly a year and now all of you, any of you who want, have some idea of what that year has been. but the problem is that the part that matters is the part in the ether. i have to believe its the only place where love exists. i miss him. want to know how long thats been true? a little over five years. since he went to get the sale to remove the red wine stain after our first kiss. all of those months. all of those thoughts. all of that time.
this weekend. anyone want to venture a guess? one year since i saw him. it was 2010 at the bite of seattle. how i loved him. how i remember wanting him to kiss me and the way he ignored me, and the way he said no. it was this past weekend. it was always our event. more over, the space needle was ours. i remember my first kiss with evan. only other person i remember the first kiss with is fred. i remember everything about it. i remember being on the kitchen counter in that apartment. i remember him coming towards me and me in that moment second guessing myself, thinking i wasnt sure how to do this anymore, wondering what would happen. wondering if he would stay the night. i remember how close he was to me. and i remember being shy after. and i remember how much i smiled. he would spill red wine later. he would lie with me in bed and promise that he would teach me to fall asleep with him. and he would sneak out early in the morning to get rock salt to get the red wine out of the carpet. i remember getting ice cream the next day. i remember how exhausted i was walking back to my apartment with him and wondering if he'd want to see me again soon.
want to know how long ago? it was over five years ago. and he was amazing, and hope, and love. he ate fruit off the trees. and i was happy.
11 months have passed since i spoke to him. since i heard his voice. since he remembered me. since i had hope. since i was ok.
now its time to recap. in 11 months much has happened, little has changed worth note. i need someone to talk to. to say all this out loud to while i watch the tide come in but thats not really what i have anymore so we make do because i have to get this out now.
in 11 months i have lost every friend i ever had. i have had close friends betray me in a way i couldnt at the time comprehend. i have let go of people i cared about because holding on to them was more than i could take. i have let those i had casual contact with fall away because i didnt see a point in holding up a pretense when i ws the only one doing work. and i have engaged in a hell of a lot of grief.
daniel and i fell out. the details of which are more than public and not worth getting into other than that it hurt me more than i can say. daniel however is truly the catalyst for the past six months. he is what started the goal of experimenting but lets back up slightly.
my way of dealing with everything with evan was not great. i didnt know how to deal so i didnt. i begged people to listen to me, to help me but no one would and one by one they gave up on me and left. i tried to escape and took a vacation with ryburn fully aware of what would come and wanting the escape.
i tried dating actually. met two rather nice guys. i liked them both. nothing came of it. i remember the car ride, the long, long car ride where i got it, that it wasnt right. i tried hooking up with the people still left, the ghosts as i occassionally refer to them: adam and james. they were entertaining for a short time if only because they were so similar but ultimately there is a reason they are where they are: neither are able to care about someone else right now.
daniel is the one who made me go to therapy. he found a program. it was right before my birthday last year and i pushed it off. i remember because i remember the thoughts i was thinking before that birthday. oddly enough it was therapy that taught me the things all of you hate. when i went in for the interview i remember trying to figure out what i would need to say to be accepted. well that was easier than i thought. i lied. you know how all of you ask about why i flinch? and all of you hate my answer: i taught myself. well guess what... therapy taught me the other habit all of you detest. turns out i liked it. who would have guessed right? therapy would teach me much but my guess is that all of you would have much preferred i never started.
i dove into work because... well it made me stop thinking. and. frankly, i was fantastic at it. turns out that completely being controlling and a workaholic protestant bodes well in retail and i doubt the introverted, no drama hurt.
it came up around... oh when? new years? i think that was the freak out. by then i had lost daniel. hardly spoke to my roommate really, ignored calls from jason, ryburn, jenny, hell marissa had gone to writing me damn letters because she coudlnt reach me. it was then that i understood he broke his promises. thats about when i started seeing michael. so nice. i just... well it couldnt have worked. and that car ride back from the snow. there was nothing to come back from. i remember sitting in the terminal in south carolina getting texts from neil asking what i was running away from. saying i just hadnt ever had someone love me unconditionally. my how fast the boys fell. i remember getting calls from michael while i sat outsite watching the damn sunset from the gazebo in arizona, talking about Christmas presents.
it was a month later things got to the next level of hell. i saw her post. i saw she was here. on my turf. in my sanctuary. in my home. with my love. that was when i gave up talking to people. that was when i understood that i had no place here any longer and that was when i started thinking of leaving. i started planning a trip far, far away. wanted to move away. i knew i couldnt go outside anymore. i knew i couldnt go in public again.
i met curtis. remember him? remember how quickly that dissolved? remember how late i would stay up talking to him, telling him things. remember how he promised to stay? remember how he didnt. and yet the all come back. in some way. i think my favorite is the "i always think of you when it rains." the sad part is i believe some of them. i stayed away from the daylight. i wouldnt leave. turned down any and all invitations. i would go to adam/james' to pass out because i knew i honestly didnt make a difference if i was there or not, there life was exactly the same, and frankly, some degree of honesty was nice. months actually i didnt leave. just didnt. no need. couldnt deal. wasnt worth the risk. and my how i hated my therapist.
and then came portland. it was my trip. anyone know initially what the goal was? be shocked if you did. has to do with fred though. probably the best part of the past year. lost evan and God gave me fred back, woudlnt have survived without Him. (you can interpret that however you wish). i went to portland to talk to fred. because i coudlnt bear to email him from my house. he was too important anymore. and i wanted to hear his voice. it was my first attempt to get away. i wanted to see a psychic. anyone know that? how fred laughed at that... it was also where i took a first step towards a different escape. i went to a munch. met some of the sweetest puppies ever, and a few decent people, none memorable.
when i came back is when things with daniel just ended and it wasnt worth effort to fix any longer, it was costing far more than it had been worth. but somehow, somewhere in there came the experiment. this idea that perhaps i could escape myself, give all of myself and want nothing, expect nothing back and it could work. although the premise is muddle and conflicted it was the start of everything else. the thought was to not remember him shaking me. scaring me. the thought was to dictate the terms of the memories, the feeling of the friendship by giving more and more of myself, to be like Jesus. needless to say it didnt work. i tried using everything i learned in therapy on it. not holding attachment, observing, communication, etc. but he had some messed up issues with his girlfriend that will never be solved. he is stuck which was scary for someone who is also stuck. but it put some ideas in my head and those are where the trouble started.
so i started. in april david and i left. i had one chance to see what i could repair with someone from a decade ago. i did it. i felt him hold me there, i felt him want me. and i felt myself sneak out in the middle of the night. but i also felt myself remember what it was like to randomly move to the other side of the country and i knew i could do it again. i also knew i wanted to go to school. i also knew i had to go back.
so i started being social it was all an experiment i told myself. and frankly, a lot of it was true but i didnt know how much. and i was wrong about the biggest part.
my goal was to be popular. to see how fast and to what intensity i could make that happen. and so i did. i took what worked and went with it. brought out something i was hiding and used that as leverage. fantastic right? munches were good. i met a guy straight away. caleb. he lied to me. multiple times. so i went again. met more. my goal was to not go a day without seeing people. ive averaged more than one person a day. my goal was to be able to have a certain effect. i already was told i could have it, could have had it. but i didnt need it anymore. i knew how. i scripted the whole damn thing. i didnt need it anymore. i found people i actually really cared for. Charlie, Evan, Hannah. (hey had my first girl kiss!). people were kind to me. everyone wanted to touch me. and in a group dedicated to sex, its about the only thing i wasnt doing. people were legitamately kind to me, caring of me, and friendly with me. i had a wonderful time.
too good.
and then like all else it got complicated. i met a guy i was happy to date because i trusted him and thought him to be stable. he left me twice. i know jake will do it again, its who he is. i also know he could have loved me. i try to let it bother me as much as it does because it serves a purpose for now and i believe he likes me. i met brian. oh but how i adore him. he became this utterly fascinating and sweet guy that i could just talk to. until he hit on me. but i think thats cleared up by now. then there was nicholas who wanted to protect me. too bad that meant going back on things he said, hurting me, scaring me and well making me black out. i also met people who wanted to use me. and people who just wanted to be friends with me. i met topher of all people. the sweetest guy ever who i more than annoy but i cant imagine not knowing him now. oh and justin for all his kindness. and leo and omg matt. and people like sawyer! most interesting kid ever. my but do i adore him. and then...well then it was time for me to bring the harem. thats what brian calls it. i think of it more as returning the favor of justin and doing what i know i can do. haha evan and hannah at one of the nights, well evan gave me the challenge to get a boy up out of the corner by talking to him. i did so so much more. i made him get up, i made him introduce himself to everyone, i made him make friends, i made him go to events in the future. i know how i look in a red dress with a black belt and with a drink. i know that boys will want me but more over i know i come across as innocent and i know that the fact that i dont do groups well makes me relate to others individually extremely well which means i can make people feel important, feel special, at least for a short time. and that motivation, well that can get a boy out of a chair. and so i recruited. over the past few months i have brought close to 20 people out. not bad if i say so myself. its something i can do. i actually, oddly, dont view it as manipulation either. i love it. i make people feel special enough that they feel comfortable, that they make friends. dave told me that the could make me feel emotions and i didnt believe him but when i saw chris, one of the boys i made come out, making out with this girl, i was so happy. so yes. social. those were the happier ones. then, then the more complicated.
then i met eduardo and then i met dave. in truth i met them far earlier but things neednt get so messy in writing. dave doesnt remember the first time we met anyhow. i shouldnt expect him to those to be fair, most others have. he was the first real experiment. i didnt think he much cared for me when we went out once so i wanted to know if i coudl change that. if i could make him like me. so i tried changing my posture, my tone of voice and edited the conversation. i tried manufacturing a connection. (this by the way will be the theme for the rest of the year.) it worked. he liked me. i didnt even realize it at the time to be honest. but i saw him again shortly after. and again. and something about it stayed. i didnt. i was reserved and for good reason. i knew it would turn out like curtis. he said he wanted me to be his. i knew his status on the important things and thought it would be ok anyway. it wasnt so much. but now its far too late. i bond quickly. but lets leave this one for a moment.
then i met eduardo. eduardo... i dont even know where to start. the first time we met he watched me for hours as i made out with hannah. i dont think he even knew my name. he took a pen out and wrote his information on my hand in what i called "non letters". i talked to him shortly thereafter. i met him in bellevue. i remember not understanding what the hell i was doing there with him because he seemed so not interested in me. i remember walking through cal anderson park and sitting on a bench as i told him some stuff... a lot of stuff. and i remember him kissing me. and i remember him telling me he liked me. and i remember the rest of the day. and the days after. and then i remember a few weeks later when he found a very young girl who wanted sex. he told me he didnt see us still together in a few years but couldnt tell me anything else. he said he only wanted a relationship he could see lasting. so he started dating her. she is leaving at the end of the summer and has a boyfriend. we'll let it go. the trouble is... i rather like this guy. way more than i should. i like him too much. i feel different around him. like i dont have to be happy all the time. like i can be honest. i cleaned his place for him. we have the same damn cds, dvds, memberships and he even has a pin of one of my stuff animals. oh yea and the same camera. it goes on and gets worse but lets spare me the remembering. i am able to text him occasionally and see him about as often. every time... it fucking sucks. we went to the zoo the week past. i saw a spider and i remember him being behind me suddenly, i coudlnt tell you how he got there. his arms around me holding me there. explaining the spider to me. trying to make me calm down. the way he spoke to me. his voice on me. his hands. we have to skip a few minutes or ill lose it. so. he occassionally tells me these thigns and i instantly fall back to where i was. to how i was. to truth. or as close as there is to it anymore. he turned to me the other day and told me i had to quit my job, that i was beneath me. i nearly cried. and did i mention he would be the only person ive fall asleep with? yea it sucks. and i cant get it out of my mind.
lets end this while we can shall we?
i have all of this invested. i got something. but even that became a pattern. i dotn know if id say a crutch but yes, i see people as often as i do, set up lunches and meetings and events because now its what i know. i leave work early whenever i can. i dont know what its like to have a day by myself. its no different though. either way i am still sinking.
i have created this catch 22. if i move on from evan than that means that it meant nothing. it means that i cant trust myself again in a relationship because i could be that wrong again. it means i could think someone else ws the one but he would leave me too. it means i would wake up in the middle of the night, every night, long after the ring was on my finger, because i would be scared he wouldnt be there when i woke up. now then if i dont move on, well i cant date again because that would mean i had moved on. it would mean i have to give up for him, i have to wait for him. it would mean admitting to it all being the end. it would mean that what i am doing now is nothing more than killing time. and it would mean that i have cursed myself. that i have taken something God gave to me which i didnt deserve and i have squandered it. it would also mean i couldnt be trusted with anything of value again and that i am worthless and dont deserve anything. including being loved and cared for. see the problem i have created? to love someone else means i didnt love evan. but when love is my only goal i have quite a quandry.
so now here were are. 11 months and while the circumstances have changed ever so slightly i am in the same place. i read recently something by someone i respect which said if you dont know what change sometimets its enough to change something. so i tried. i tried clinging, i tried being alone, i tried holding on and i tried branching out. i tried working i tried running i tried learning. and lastly, lastly i tried an experiment. the thing im learning though is that i had it all wrong. over and over again what i hear is "i didnt expect this". i am the experiment. i thought that somehow i was this massive conductor. im the experiment. my whole thoery is that people do what they are. so theres a reason people teach DBT skills, its because they have BPD. i wanted a formula for people, i wanted to understand how to make friends. i wanted to understand how to make people like me. i wanted to understand how to make it safe because thats all i want, thats what i am. i have aspbergers and thats all ive tried to solve. ive wanted a solution to get him back. for eleven months i have wanted a way to fix it. because he was all i loved.
and its eleven months. and so much as has happened. i have failed my experiment 62 times. but it is the only thing i want. the only thing that would give me purpose. i miss him. i have all of these thoughts. these ways to make peace with it all. you know i still buy him presents? birthday... Christmas... i friended his friends on facebook to hear about his life. i took down every picture in my room, my house because of what they were. i hid my necklace. my italy necklace, the one im to be burried in. i keep lists of things i miss. i would ride my bike for hours, far away, trying to get lost wondering if he could even spell my name any longer. i bought a thanksgiving card for his sister. and now. now im older.
and its eleven months. i can see myself you know. from above sometimes. floating in that prism outside the rest of humanity. just watching. i see it twirling around beneath me going way to fast and i know im not part of it. jakery told me that the things i see in my eyes are a result of something not desolving when i was a baby which implies i was indeed a baby but... i never was. my thoughts are honestly about the same. i thought of sex since i was in kindergarden. wanted to be dominated since i was in first grade. and i think about stuff animals now. i ended up here. i was never a part of this. and now i can watch. but. more terrifying. i can watch myself sink. i can watch myself open my mouth to scream for help as the water calmly swarms in around me but i dont fight it. i can see up through the ice and i know theres no one from the boat left anymore.
you know i used to hear people. hear them screaming, crying for help from me. i used to think i would be able to save them but i knew it wasnt time yet. fred used to tell me that he could see himself with his future wife. this scene. him on a swing and her, with red hair, pushing him. i dont belong in any of the scenes. i am always outside. always watching. sometimes makes me feel immortal in the sense i was never alive.
theres this book the fountain which holds the basic premise that life starts with death. that death is ultimately creation. so when someone dies and is burried their body will eventually be a tree and then will be in the fruit on the tree which will be eaten by a crow who will carry it miles away. i rather like this thought somehow. there is this thought that people stop being afraid. i mentioned before about acceptance verse panic when i was tied up. the fear lets go. perhaps and maybe.
all i want now is to sit with evan on the beach, late at night, under the lighthouse, and tell him everything while the water gets closer and closer to our feet. the stars dont feel so light out there. they have this heaviness that makes you feel like you should whisper. i want to know his thoughts on everything. i want to feel his chest in that brown striped button up shirt under me. i want to feel his hand in my hair. and i want to feel him hold me closer. i want to be able to kiss him again and feel the same stubble on his face that i always did. i remember how his skin feels. i didnt know i could. i asked him for a few things before he left. my snow globe back. for him to call me when he broke up with her. an animal from him. and a promise to keep a picture of me with him. i wanted the animal from him because i wanted to hear his voice. its been elven months. its been long.
its been nearly a year and now all of you, any of you who want, have some idea of what that year has been. but the problem is that the part that matters is the part in the ether. i have to believe its the only place where love exists. i miss him. want to know how long thats been true? a little over five years. since he went to get the sale to remove the red wine stain after our first kiss. all of those months. all of those thoughts. all of that time.