how many years
SrntySmile: ok
SrntySmile signed on at 4:28 PM.
Lara Ashley Monroe: hi
SrntySmile: hello
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol im actually nervous to speak
Lara Ashley Monroe: um. how are you?
SrntySmile: bout the same actually
Lara Ashley Monroe: when do you leave for your trip
SrntySmile: 13 days
SrntySmile: saturday morning
Lara Ashley Monroe: what does "gratz" mean
SrntySmile: game term for congratulations
Lara Ashley Monroe: oh ok
SrntySmile: i play online games now... alot.. my addiction
Lara Ashley Monroe: is that new? i thought you always did that
SrntySmile: wow.. creepy having flashing smiley faces everywhere
SrntySmile: I gamed, but not online games
SrntySmile: no community, no people to talk to, and the ability to save, and not pay per month to play
SrntySmile: I have to admit to a question that ive been curious about for a while now
Lara Ashley Monroe: k
SrntySmile: *kicks aim*
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: im used to having to hit enter to start talking. it keeps yelling at me for doing that
Lara Ashley Monroe: ok?
SrntySmile: now im not sure how to phrase this so dont take offence
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol thats a scary way to start
SrntySmile: if you didnt like the sexual aspect of being a sub.. why then do you like being part of the sexual sub culture?
SrntySmile: I have to admit its been something ive been curious about for a long time
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea ive thought of this a lot. best answer is it makes me feel safe. i can give you a longer answer if you like but thats the simple version
SrntySmile: I can see that, but the sexual end makes you unhappy and feel unsafe, so you dont really get anywhere
Lara Ashley Monroe: iknow
Lara Ashley Monroe: ive set up a poor system for myself huh?
SrntySmile: to put it mildly ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: it gets worse... im being blackmailed
Lara Ashley Monroe: by my old boss
SrntySmile: hows he managing that?
Lara Ashley Monroe: he has pictures of me
SrntySmile: and what does he want you to do?
SrntySmile: or shoul I not ask that *wry smile*
Lara Ashley Monroe: he wont press me into sex. he just wants me to get him off...
SrntySmile: typical guy
Lara Ashley Monroe: so um. am i. i dont feel like i have the right to even say your name but i feel awkward
SrntySmile: y?
Lara Ashley Monroe: cause i dont know how. what i should call you when i email you or now
SrntySmile: *kicks aim
fred is fine
Lara Ashley Monroe: you believe now dont you? that i dont want anything bad for you? you still dont trust me though huh?
SrntySmile: I never thought you did want anything bad for me.
SrntySmile: cept with maybe that time you were with that military failure
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol thanks for that
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea scott... that whole thing didnt turn out wel
Lara Ashley Monroe: hes married now you know
SrntySmile: good thing I never got close to him I would have killed him. I hate being threated and I really hate being dismissed
Lara Ashley Monroe: hes created his own hell.
SrntySmile: most people usualy do (with proper spellin)
Lara Ashley Monroe: i have.
SrntySmile: yup. but only you can make it better
Lara Ashley Monroe: i honestly dont know how though.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and im scared
Lara Ashley Monroe: member how you said at one point that i kinda made this happen? i completely agree but. i dont know. daniel and i had a fight. he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. i keep dreaming of it you know?
SrntySmile: sure, there is a portion of our lives that is influenced by other people. we allow events to shape our world.
SrntySmile: god knows you influeced my world
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry
SrntySmile: y
Lara Ashley Monroe: for how i made you feel
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wish i knew how to make you believe me . and more over i wish i knew how to make that matter. but it wont change all the bad things i did and how i made you feel. and im sorry.
Lara Ashley Monroe: i mean at least some small part of you has to know how i feel about you
SrntySmile: its in the past and its part of who I am now. so dont appoligize
SrntySmile: I actually rather like who I am. even if I get accused of being arrogant and conceited all the time
Lara Ashley Monroe:
SrntySmile: and yes lara, I know you still love me. and I know I still love you.
SrntySmile: and I likely always will
Lara Ashley Monroe: im really sorry for hurting you. i am glad youre happy now. i miss you though. always.
Lara Ashley Monroe: Fred, why did you avoid me so long
SrntySmile: want the simple answer or the long winded one
Lara Ashley Monroe: i mean you had know i wanted to talk to you? you had to know i missed you and was looking for you? didnt you?
Lara Ashley Monroe: im not sure. which is better?
SrntySmile: probably the simple one
SrntySmile: and yes I knew all that
Lara Ashley Monroe: were you angry with me
Lara Ashley Monroe: for wanting that. for so long
SrntySmile: no
Lara Ashley Monroe: did you think id stop thinking of you or give up?
SrntySmile: simply put, I do still love you, and you make my emotions run really high. even now. and its just well, its just not fair to lisa
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry
SrntySmile: y because i love you? and because youlove me?
SrntySmile: least I assume you still do
SrntySmile: <-- arrogant
Lara Ashley Monroe: is that rhetorical or do youu want me to answer
SrntySmile: doesnt really matter I suppose. in some ways im probably better off not knowing. in others, well I dont know
SrntySmile: its stupid to appoligize for caring tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: were you hoping id stop looking foryou?
SrntySmile: some parts of me were and some parts werent
SrntySmile: I know, its not a real answer
Lara Ashley Monroe: i admit that even though i worried about it uppseting you. i was selfish more and just wanted
Lara Ashley Monroe: is lisa ok with me emailing you?
SrntySmile: I honestly havent really talked to her about it
Lara Ashley Monroe: so no to a psychic huh?
Lara Ashley Monroe: jsut to completely change the topic :
Lara Ashley Monroe:
SrntySmile: most psycics arent worth it
SrntySmile: and charge too much
SrntySmile: and the good ones will essentially tell you what I did
Lara Ashley Monroe: so ok. i have taken up speaking in metaphors but its th oenly way i know how.
SrntySmile: you always did talk that way tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: so youre answers, while i am proundly grateful, its like they tell me to multiply when i come to you and ask for help on the math problem. but i dont know how to multiply
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol yea. maybe i did
Lara Ashley Monroe: you know whats scary. you were 23 when you met me. can you even rmemeber being that old?
SrntySmile: I think you got that from me... or maybe I got that from you. anways, thats how ive always taught
SrntySmile: vividly
SrntySmile: just like I remember the way you felt when I held you, your scent, taste, sound...
Lara Ashley Monroe: you remember all that? was so long ago.
SrntySmile: part o why I dislike my memory in some ways
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry
SrntySmile: for what?
SrntySmile: and stop appoligizing for things I do
Lara Ashley Monroe: im nervous
Lara Ashley Monroe: youknow that
Lara Ashley Monroe: so tell me how to multiply?
SrntySmile: start slow and add the numbers multiples of times
Lara Ashley Monroe: hmm yea doesnt actually help :P
SrntySmile: find things that relax you and turn off your mind and do them
SrntySmile: as you learn to relax your mind. find the calm center
SrntySmile: let your breathing lead you there
Lara Ashley Monroe: so in therapy. in group. we do paced breathing
Lara Ashley Monroe: anad youre supposed to be able to go into wise mind and ask a question adn just LISTEN for the answer
SrntySmile: works better in a hot bath with the lights off and candles burning
Lara Ashley Monroe: but i dont get one. i try.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and noi dont like baths
Lara Ashley Monroe: and im scared of the mirrors in the dark
SrntySmile: woops vivid flashback
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: nm
SrntySmile: then sit and stare at a burning candle
SrntySmile: better with a real fire but candles work
Lara Ashley Monroe: i know you taught me that. i try but still no answer
Lara Ashley Monroe: do you think im dea
Lara Ashley Monroe: dead
Lara Ashley Monroe: and thats not as stupid as it sounded
SrntySmile: no I think your trying to hard
Lara Ashley Monroe: does that sound like me??
SrntySmile: yup
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol that was rhetorical
Lara Ashley Monroe: no answer needed
SrntySmile: look at it like this. if you swim, and you panic, you dont go anywhere fast and burn all your energy out and usualy sink
SrntySmile: but if your relaxed and follow the natural rythum you make great progress
Lara Ashley Monroe: but ive made no progress!
SrntySmile: ya and your flailing like a 3 year old in water wings
Lara Ashley Monroe: im scared that i like killed myself off inside. i cant hear Ellie anymore Fred
Lara Ashley Monroe: i dont flail
SrntySmile: in this you do
Lara Ashley Monroe: does it bother you all the questions i ask of you
SrntySmile: lara you always asked me a ton of questions
Lara Ashley Monroe: you used to like teaching me things. im hoping that is still at least sort of true
Lara Ashley Monroe: i know
Lara Ashley Monroe: you were a lot of things to me Fred
SrntySmile: look at it like this. you so desperately want answers that your worry about not hearing anything is actually preventing you from getting them
SrntySmile: ya I know lara
Lara Ashley Monroe: ok so
Lara Ashley Monroe: but
SrntySmile: at a loss for words huh
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes sir
Lara Ashley Monroe: because im pretty sure thats not how it works
Lara Ashley Monroe: im pretty sure that i keep listening and liestening but i screwed things up too much
Lara Ashley Monroe: and im scared if i just listen and listen and listen for like years then ill be old and dead
SrntySmile: Ok. different analogy then
Lara Ashley Monroe: but then i think that patience is hard for me but i waited so long and then i got to know you were ok
Lara Ashley Monroe: and so then i think patience works and thne
Lara Ashley Monroe: but it hasnt with evan
SrntySmile: its like listening to the radio, you have to find the right frequency or you just hear static
SrntySmile: right now your listening hard and hearing static
Lara Ashley Monroe: then you can help me
SrntySmile: always could
Lara Ashley Monroe: you acna help me turn the station
Lara Ashley Monroe: so!how do i do it
SrntySmile: well. you have 3 problems
Lara Ashley Monroe: i LOVE options
SrntySmile: 1) your afraid of failure
Lara Ashley Monroe: shit theyre going to be one i hate huh
SrntySmile: 2) other things keep intruding.. the noise factor
SrntySmile: 3) your restless
Lara Ashley Monroe: i agree
SrntySmile: so in reverse order
SrntySmile: find a way to expend your energy before you start. hike, swim, what ever
Lara Ashley Monroe: k
SrntySmile: 2) the expenditure of energy will knock back the noise. then you need to focus on one thing. (NOT evan)
Lara Ashley Monroe: why not
SrntySmile: 1) forget about success or failure and just enjoy what your doing
SrntySmile: because with him its too easy to hear what you want to hear and not hear what you need to hear
SrntySmile: you CANNOT read something you care about so much
SrntySmile: you dont even want to hear what I have to say
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: in regards to evan
Lara Ashley Monroe: that i should forget him?
SrntySmile: well, for finding anwswers this way, ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: but what if it helps. i mean what if it ould help me figure out how to get back to him
SrntySmile: would that honestly be the best thing for you?
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes
SrntySmile: no, thats what you think.
Lara Ashley Monroe: its true
SrntySmile: well, take what I said and use it or no
SrntySmile: im not saying any moreon it
Lara Ashley Monroe: k
Lara Ashley Monroe: ill try it
SrntySmile: remember tho, I tried to teach you this years ago by the docks in seattle
Lara Ashley Monroe: by the tree?
SrntySmile: ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: i remember
Lara Ashley Monroe: i love that tree. you want to know a secret?
SrntySmile: sure
Lara Ashley Monroe: theres where i spent my graduation night.
SrntySmile: *nods* I cant say im all that surprised
SrntySmile: and wow I dont like the flying faces
Lara Ashley Monroe: do you still live in calgary
SrntySmile: ya
SrntySmile: for now
Lara Ashley Monroe: are yuo moving/
SrntySmile: have been trying to for the last yearor so
Lara Ashley Monroe: where
SrntySmile: ironicaly closer to you
Lara Ashley Monroe: bc?
SrntySmile: vancouver island
Lara Ashley Monroe: why
SrntySmile: cause i loveit there
SrntySmile: inspite of big spiders
Lara Ashley Monroe: i HATE SPIDERS
SrntySmile: dont go to australia then
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wont
Lara Ashley Monroe: you killed a bee once
Lara Ashley Monroe: with a knife
SrntySmile: yup
SrntySmile: you killed a grilled cheese once, with a frying pan
Lara Ashley Monroe: hate you
SrntySmile: even patches wouldnt eat it
Lara Ashley Monroe: want to hear a far worse lara cooking story?
SrntySmile: sure
Lara Ashley Monroe: my last apartment sent me a notice saying they would be doing a fire inspection. well they sent it a week in advance so naturally i forgot.
SrntySmile: still cant be as bad as my spaghetti with chocolate milk and tomato soup and cheese whiz.... that was.... nasty
Lara Ashley Monroe: it was middle of summer and BURNING hot.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and no nothing could ver be bad as that
Lara Ashley Monroe: anyhow.
Lara Ashley Monroe: so i was naked. and cooking because evan just taught my how to make real spaghetti like with onions and garlic.so i had those in a frying pan with burning oil.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and the fire alarm starts to go off. i get all flustered and go to the door to see if anyone else is evacuating
SrntySmile: well... thats something of a pleasent mental pic
Lara Ashley Monroe: and some are so im thikning i should get dressed and get ellie and newport and boutineer. and head out the door
Lara Ashley Monroe: but when i turn back towards teh kitchen theres smoke EVERYWHERE
Lara Ashley Monroe: the oil had totally burned up and it was bad. so theres smoke allllllll over. i rush to the stove to grab the pan and pull it off the stove but it was SO HOT. so my hand got burnt and i dropped the pan to the ground and all that hot oil.... ALLL over my legs, spalshed up even onto my stomach and my hands.
SrntySmile: fyi, I have to go soon
SrntySmile: ouch!!
Lara Ashley Monroe: so now im SCREAMING and in walks a firefighter. looks at me. sees the smoke. sees me screaming and naked
Lara Ashley Monroe: and he says "uh. just fire inspection" and walks out
Lara Ashley Monroe: lovely huh?
SrntySmile: lol
SrntySmile: embarassing to say the least
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea
Lara Ashley Monroe: not my best moment
Lara Ashley Monroe: but such a great firefighter..
SrntySmile: well, I did something similar with bacon...
Lara Ashley Monroe: really?
SrntySmile: never cook naked with bacon btw
SrntySmile: but no firefighter
Lara Ashley Monroe: ... why were you?
SrntySmile: just burned
Lara Ashley Monroe: you dont even bacon
Lara Ashley Monroe: eat*
SrntySmile: no, others do tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: yuck
SrntySmile: and I got protruding bits down low
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol
SrntySmile: that was long before I met you tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: reallly?
SrntySmile: ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: you never told me about it
SrntySmile: think I was 13 or 14
SrntySmile: was cooking for my brother
Lara Ashley Monroe: hows he
SrntySmile: ive always liked being naked
Lara Ashley Monroe: that i do remember
SrntySmile: dunno. 2 kids and wont talk to me
Lara Ashley Monroe: sorry
SrntySmile: meh. my family disowned me remember?
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes sir
Lara Ashley Monroe: my father did with me i guess.
Lara Ashley Monroe: i think he wanted to die
SrntySmile: calling me sir lol
SrntySmile: probably
Lara Ashley Monroe: why cant you have kids
SrntySmile: lisa cant. medical reasons
SrntySmile: tho I think I have one anyways
SrntySmile: not sure.
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea.
SrntySmile: well.. not sure its mine anyways
Lara Ashley Monroe: you know thats the reason i stopped being able to talk toyou
SrntySmile: after you, before lisa
SrntySmile: *snort* I only slept with her 3 times
Lara Ashley Monroe: i was so hurt. so jealous.
SrntySmile: you didnt want me!
SrntySmile: you have NO idea how much I wanted you
Lara Ashley Monroe: thats not true. i just wanted to figure out me. i just. i didnt ever think id be ok. lo
Lara Ashley Monroe: guess i was right huh?
Lara Ashley Monroe: i jsut wanted to htink i could exist on my own. like you werent carrying me
Lara Ashley Monroe: and i was frightened. thought i was too young to feel the thingsi was
Lara Ashley Monroe: guess i wanted it to be harder.
Lara Ashley Monroe: i dont know
SrntySmile: so what your saying to me then is we fought alot due to sexual tension
Lara Ashley Monroe: ??
SrntySmile: makes a kind of sense lol
Lara Ashley Monroe: what do you mean sexual tension
SrntySmile: well, if you wanted me
SrntySmile: and I wanted you
SrntySmile: and nothing was happening
SrntySmile: it creates frustration
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes but i didnt want you to want to have sex with me
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wanted you to want to marry me!
SrntySmile: I did lara
Lara Ashley Monroe: or more specifically. own me
SrntySmile: and I did
Lara Ashley Monroe: we both know i was stupid
Lara Ashley Monroe: but yea. i hated that woman
Lara Ashley Monroe: i thought she stole you
Lara Ashley Monroe: i HATED her
SrntySmile: and is it so wrong I wanted to have sex with you too?
SrntySmile: thas ok. so did I
Lara Ashley Monroe: i thoguht if you had sex with me you didnt love me. jsut sex
Lara Ashley Monroe: i still think that way
SrntySmile: thats silly
SrntySmile: sex is a natural expression of love
Lara Ashley Monroe: sex is threatening and scary
SrntySmile: its used wrong most times, but its still true
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wanted to be pure. i wanted to stay your little bird. i didnt want you to view me different or God to lock me out of heaven or Ellie to be dissapointed in me
SrntySmile: and trust is built through touch
SrntySmile: lara, I loved you. I wanted to show you taht
SrntySmile: I wanted to give my body to you. and to have you do the same
Lara Ashley Monroe: you remember the hotel room in arizona>? how upset i got
SrntySmile: yup
Lara Ashley Monroe: i still do. it scares me fred
SrntySmile: doesnt surprise me
SrntySmile: and yet if you let yourself you would be such a passionate person
Lara Ashley Monroe: i dont know Fred . im not passionate about anything
SrntySmile: you are about that
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
Lara Ashley Monroe: about what
SrntySmile: passion comes in many forms.. even fear
Lara Ashley Monroe: maybe
SrntySmile: lol
Lara Ashley Monroe: i want the good kind though
Lara Ashley Monroe: the happy love something passion
SrntySmile: its deffinately more fun
Lara Ashley Monroe: like i wish i could love sewing or design or writing. then id have a career
SrntySmile: and lara, I waited for you for 5 years
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry. i shouldnt have made you. i didnt have any right.
Lara Ashley Monroe: but now. ive waited for you to even say hi.. for so long. so long. im sorry i made you wait.
Lara Ashley Monroe: you didnt deserve that
SrntySmile: scotts still lucky
SrntySmile: damn. flying faces
Lara Ashley Monroe: why is he lucky?
SrntySmile: because I woulda killed him
SrntySmile: hes lucky I never came down after you met him
Lara Ashley Monroe: for threatening you
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: among other things
SrntySmile: anyways, I have to go
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wish you wouldnt
SrntySmile: I know.
Lara Ashley Monroe: may i talk with you again?
SrntySmile: maybe. depends on my time
Lara Ashley Monroe: i can be accomodating i dont always take up so much time
Lara Ashley Monroe: wow. flash back for me. i used to BEG you to not hang up.
Lara Ashley Monroe: for hours
SrntySmile: yup.
SrntySmile: I will give you this tho
SrntySmile: *hugs*
Lara Ashley Monroe: thank you
SrntySmile: wow. I gotta figure out how to turn that off
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol
SrntySmile: anyways, im off now
Lara Ashley Monroe: thank you for this Fred
Lara Ashley Monroe: i loved it.
SrntySmile: yw. and before I go, look up angeldust bleed on you tube. you might like it
SrntySmile: byee
SrntySmile signed off at 5:48 PM.
SrntySmile is offline
Lara Ashley Monroe: bye
SrntySmile signed on at 4:28 PM.
Lara Ashley Monroe: hi
SrntySmile: hello
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol im actually nervous to speak
Lara Ashley Monroe: um. how are you?
SrntySmile: bout the same actually
Lara Ashley Monroe: when do you leave for your trip
SrntySmile: 13 days
SrntySmile: saturday morning
Lara Ashley Monroe: what does "gratz" mean
SrntySmile: game term for congratulations
Lara Ashley Monroe: oh ok
SrntySmile: i play online games now... alot.. my addiction
Lara Ashley Monroe: is that new? i thought you always did that
SrntySmile: wow.. creepy having flashing smiley faces everywhere
SrntySmile: I gamed, but not online games
SrntySmile: no community, no people to talk to, and the ability to save, and not pay per month to play
SrntySmile: I have to admit to a question that ive been curious about for a while now
Lara Ashley Monroe: k
SrntySmile: *kicks aim*
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: im used to having to hit enter to start talking. it keeps yelling at me for doing that
Lara Ashley Monroe: ok?
SrntySmile: now im not sure how to phrase this so dont take offence
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol thats a scary way to start
SrntySmile: if you didnt like the sexual aspect of being a sub.. why then do you like being part of the sexual sub culture?
SrntySmile: I have to admit its been something ive been curious about for a long time
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea ive thought of this a lot. best answer is it makes me feel safe. i can give you a longer answer if you like but thats the simple version
SrntySmile: I can see that, but the sexual end makes you unhappy and feel unsafe, so you dont really get anywhere
Lara Ashley Monroe: iknow
Lara Ashley Monroe: ive set up a poor system for myself huh?
SrntySmile: to put it mildly ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: it gets worse... im being blackmailed
Lara Ashley Monroe: by my old boss
SrntySmile: hows he managing that?
Lara Ashley Monroe: he has pictures of me
SrntySmile: and what does he want you to do?
SrntySmile: or shoul I not ask that *wry smile*
Lara Ashley Monroe: he wont press me into sex. he just wants me to get him off...
SrntySmile: typical guy
Lara Ashley Monroe: so um. am i. i dont feel like i have the right to even say your name but i feel awkward
SrntySmile: y?
Lara Ashley Monroe: cause i dont know how. what i should call you when i email you or now
SrntySmile: *kicks aim
fred is fine
Lara Ashley Monroe: you believe now dont you? that i dont want anything bad for you? you still dont trust me though huh?
SrntySmile: I never thought you did want anything bad for me.
SrntySmile: cept with maybe that time you were with that military failure
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol thanks for that
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea scott... that whole thing didnt turn out wel
Lara Ashley Monroe: hes married now you know
SrntySmile: good thing I never got close to him I would have killed him. I hate being threated and I really hate being dismissed
Lara Ashley Monroe: hes created his own hell.
SrntySmile: most people usualy do (with proper spellin)
Lara Ashley Monroe: i have.
SrntySmile: yup. but only you can make it better
Lara Ashley Monroe: i honestly dont know how though.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and im scared
Lara Ashley Monroe: member how you said at one point that i kinda made this happen? i completely agree but. i dont know. daniel and i had a fight. he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. i keep dreaming of it you know?
SrntySmile: sure, there is a portion of our lives that is influenced by other people. we allow events to shape our world.
SrntySmile: god knows you influeced my world
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry
SrntySmile: y
Lara Ashley Monroe: for how i made you feel
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wish i knew how to make you believe me . and more over i wish i knew how to make that matter. but it wont change all the bad things i did and how i made you feel. and im sorry.
Lara Ashley Monroe: i mean at least some small part of you has to know how i feel about you
SrntySmile: its in the past and its part of who I am now. so dont appoligize
SrntySmile: I actually rather like who I am. even if I get accused of being arrogant and conceited all the time
Lara Ashley Monroe:
SrntySmile: and yes lara, I know you still love me. and I know I still love you.
SrntySmile: and I likely always will
Lara Ashley Monroe: im really sorry for hurting you. i am glad youre happy now. i miss you though. always.
Lara Ashley Monroe: Fred, why did you avoid me so long
SrntySmile: want the simple answer or the long winded one
Lara Ashley Monroe: i mean you had know i wanted to talk to you? you had to know i missed you and was looking for you? didnt you?
Lara Ashley Monroe: im not sure. which is better?
SrntySmile: probably the simple one
SrntySmile: and yes I knew all that
Lara Ashley Monroe: were you angry with me
Lara Ashley Monroe: for wanting that. for so long
SrntySmile: no
Lara Ashley Monroe: did you think id stop thinking of you or give up?
SrntySmile: simply put, I do still love you, and you make my emotions run really high. even now. and its just well, its just not fair to lisa
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry
SrntySmile: y because i love you? and because youlove me?
SrntySmile: least I assume you still do
SrntySmile: <-- arrogant
Lara Ashley Monroe: is that rhetorical or do youu want me to answer
SrntySmile: doesnt really matter I suppose. in some ways im probably better off not knowing. in others, well I dont know
SrntySmile: its stupid to appoligize for caring tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: were you hoping id stop looking foryou?
SrntySmile: some parts of me were and some parts werent
SrntySmile: I know, its not a real answer
Lara Ashley Monroe: i admit that even though i worried about it uppseting you. i was selfish more and just wanted
Lara Ashley Monroe: is lisa ok with me emailing you?
SrntySmile: I honestly havent really talked to her about it
Lara Ashley Monroe: so no to a psychic huh?
Lara Ashley Monroe: jsut to completely change the topic :
Lara Ashley Monroe:
SrntySmile: most psycics arent worth it
SrntySmile: and charge too much
SrntySmile: and the good ones will essentially tell you what I did
Lara Ashley Monroe: so ok. i have taken up speaking in metaphors but its th oenly way i know how.
SrntySmile: you always did talk that way tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: so youre answers, while i am proundly grateful, its like they tell me to multiply when i come to you and ask for help on the math problem. but i dont know how to multiply
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol yea. maybe i did
Lara Ashley Monroe: you know whats scary. you were 23 when you met me. can you even rmemeber being that old?
SrntySmile: I think you got that from me... or maybe I got that from you. anways, thats how ive always taught
SrntySmile: vividly
SrntySmile: just like I remember the way you felt when I held you, your scent, taste, sound...
Lara Ashley Monroe: you remember all that? was so long ago.
SrntySmile: part o why I dislike my memory in some ways
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry
SrntySmile: for what?
SrntySmile: and stop appoligizing for things I do
Lara Ashley Monroe: im nervous
Lara Ashley Monroe: youknow that
Lara Ashley Monroe: so tell me how to multiply?
SrntySmile: start slow and add the numbers multiples of times
Lara Ashley Monroe: hmm yea doesnt actually help :P
SrntySmile: find things that relax you and turn off your mind and do them
SrntySmile: as you learn to relax your mind. find the calm center
SrntySmile: let your breathing lead you there
Lara Ashley Monroe: so in therapy. in group. we do paced breathing
Lara Ashley Monroe: anad youre supposed to be able to go into wise mind and ask a question adn just LISTEN for the answer
SrntySmile: works better in a hot bath with the lights off and candles burning
Lara Ashley Monroe: but i dont get one. i try.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and noi dont like baths
Lara Ashley Monroe: and im scared of the mirrors in the dark
SrntySmile: woops vivid flashback
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: nm
SrntySmile: then sit and stare at a burning candle
SrntySmile: better with a real fire but candles work
Lara Ashley Monroe: i know you taught me that. i try but still no answer
Lara Ashley Monroe: do you think im dea
Lara Ashley Monroe: dead
Lara Ashley Monroe: and thats not as stupid as it sounded
SrntySmile: no I think your trying to hard
Lara Ashley Monroe: does that sound like me??
SrntySmile: yup
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol that was rhetorical
Lara Ashley Monroe: no answer needed
SrntySmile: look at it like this. if you swim, and you panic, you dont go anywhere fast and burn all your energy out and usualy sink
SrntySmile: but if your relaxed and follow the natural rythum you make great progress
Lara Ashley Monroe: but ive made no progress!
SrntySmile: ya and your flailing like a 3 year old in water wings
Lara Ashley Monroe: im scared that i like killed myself off inside. i cant hear Ellie anymore Fred
Lara Ashley Monroe: i dont flail
SrntySmile: in this you do
Lara Ashley Monroe: does it bother you all the questions i ask of you
SrntySmile: lara you always asked me a ton of questions
Lara Ashley Monroe: you used to like teaching me things. im hoping that is still at least sort of true
Lara Ashley Monroe: i know
Lara Ashley Monroe: you were a lot of things to me Fred
SrntySmile: look at it like this. you so desperately want answers that your worry about not hearing anything is actually preventing you from getting them
SrntySmile: ya I know lara
Lara Ashley Monroe: ok so
Lara Ashley Monroe: but
SrntySmile: at a loss for words huh
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes sir
Lara Ashley Monroe: because im pretty sure thats not how it works
Lara Ashley Monroe: im pretty sure that i keep listening and liestening but i screwed things up too much
Lara Ashley Monroe: and im scared if i just listen and listen and listen for like years then ill be old and dead
SrntySmile: Ok. different analogy then
Lara Ashley Monroe: but then i think that patience is hard for me but i waited so long and then i got to know you were ok
Lara Ashley Monroe: and so then i think patience works and thne
Lara Ashley Monroe: but it hasnt with evan
SrntySmile: its like listening to the radio, you have to find the right frequency or you just hear static
SrntySmile: right now your listening hard and hearing static
Lara Ashley Monroe: then you can help me
SrntySmile: always could
Lara Ashley Monroe: you acna help me turn the station
Lara Ashley Monroe: so!how do i do it
SrntySmile: well. you have 3 problems
Lara Ashley Monroe: i LOVE options
SrntySmile: 1) your afraid of failure
Lara Ashley Monroe: shit theyre going to be one i hate huh
SrntySmile: 2) other things keep intruding.. the noise factor
SrntySmile: 3) your restless
Lara Ashley Monroe: i agree
SrntySmile: so in reverse order
SrntySmile: find a way to expend your energy before you start. hike, swim, what ever
Lara Ashley Monroe: k
SrntySmile: 2) the expenditure of energy will knock back the noise. then you need to focus on one thing. (NOT evan)
Lara Ashley Monroe: why not
SrntySmile: 1) forget about success or failure and just enjoy what your doing
SrntySmile: because with him its too easy to hear what you want to hear and not hear what you need to hear
SrntySmile: you CANNOT read something you care about so much
SrntySmile: you dont even want to hear what I have to say
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: in regards to evan
Lara Ashley Monroe: that i should forget him?
SrntySmile: well, for finding anwswers this way, ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: but what if it helps. i mean what if it ould help me figure out how to get back to him
SrntySmile: would that honestly be the best thing for you?
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes
SrntySmile: no, thats what you think.
Lara Ashley Monroe: its true
SrntySmile: well, take what I said and use it or no
SrntySmile: im not saying any moreon it
Lara Ashley Monroe: k
Lara Ashley Monroe: ill try it
SrntySmile: remember tho, I tried to teach you this years ago by the docks in seattle
Lara Ashley Monroe: by the tree?
SrntySmile: ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: i remember
Lara Ashley Monroe: i love that tree. you want to know a secret?
SrntySmile: sure
Lara Ashley Monroe: theres where i spent my graduation night.
SrntySmile: *nods* I cant say im all that surprised
SrntySmile: and wow I dont like the flying faces
Lara Ashley Monroe: do you still live in calgary
SrntySmile: ya
SrntySmile: for now
Lara Ashley Monroe: are yuo moving/
SrntySmile: have been trying to for the last yearor so
Lara Ashley Monroe: where
SrntySmile: ironicaly closer to you
Lara Ashley Monroe: bc?
SrntySmile: vancouver island
Lara Ashley Monroe: why
SrntySmile: cause i loveit there
SrntySmile: inspite of big spiders
Lara Ashley Monroe: i HATE SPIDERS
SrntySmile: dont go to australia then
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wont
Lara Ashley Monroe: you killed a bee once
Lara Ashley Monroe: with a knife
SrntySmile: yup
SrntySmile: you killed a grilled cheese once, with a frying pan
Lara Ashley Monroe: hate you
SrntySmile: even patches wouldnt eat it
Lara Ashley Monroe: want to hear a far worse lara cooking story?
SrntySmile: sure
Lara Ashley Monroe: my last apartment sent me a notice saying they would be doing a fire inspection. well they sent it a week in advance so naturally i forgot.
SrntySmile: still cant be as bad as my spaghetti with chocolate milk and tomato soup and cheese whiz.... that was.... nasty
Lara Ashley Monroe: it was middle of summer and BURNING hot.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and no nothing could ver be bad as that
Lara Ashley Monroe: anyhow.
Lara Ashley Monroe: so i was naked. and cooking because evan just taught my how to make real spaghetti like with onions and garlic.so i had those in a frying pan with burning oil.
Lara Ashley Monroe: and the fire alarm starts to go off. i get all flustered and go to the door to see if anyone else is evacuating
SrntySmile: well... thats something of a pleasent mental pic
Lara Ashley Monroe: and some are so im thikning i should get dressed and get ellie and newport and boutineer. and head out the door
Lara Ashley Monroe: but when i turn back towards teh kitchen theres smoke EVERYWHERE
Lara Ashley Monroe: the oil had totally burned up and it was bad. so theres smoke allllllll over. i rush to the stove to grab the pan and pull it off the stove but it was SO HOT. so my hand got burnt and i dropped the pan to the ground and all that hot oil.... ALLL over my legs, spalshed up even onto my stomach and my hands.
SrntySmile: fyi, I have to go soon
SrntySmile: ouch!!
Lara Ashley Monroe: so now im SCREAMING and in walks a firefighter. looks at me. sees the smoke. sees me screaming and naked
Lara Ashley Monroe: and he says "uh. just fire inspection" and walks out
Lara Ashley Monroe: lovely huh?
SrntySmile: lol
SrntySmile: embarassing to say the least
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea
Lara Ashley Monroe: not my best moment
Lara Ashley Monroe: but such a great firefighter..
SrntySmile: well, I did something similar with bacon...
Lara Ashley Monroe: really?
SrntySmile: never cook naked with bacon btw
SrntySmile: but no firefighter
Lara Ashley Monroe: ... why were you?
SrntySmile: just burned
Lara Ashley Monroe: you dont even bacon
Lara Ashley Monroe: eat*
SrntySmile: no, others do tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: yuck
SrntySmile: and I got protruding bits down low
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol
SrntySmile: that was long before I met you tho
Lara Ashley Monroe: reallly?
SrntySmile: ya
Lara Ashley Monroe: you never told me about it
SrntySmile: think I was 13 or 14
SrntySmile: was cooking for my brother
Lara Ashley Monroe: hows he
SrntySmile: ive always liked being naked
Lara Ashley Monroe: that i do remember
SrntySmile: dunno. 2 kids and wont talk to me
Lara Ashley Monroe: sorry
SrntySmile: meh. my family disowned me remember?
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes sir
Lara Ashley Monroe: my father did with me i guess.
Lara Ashley Monroe: i think he wanted to die
SrntySmile: calling me sir lol
SrntySmile: probably
Lara Ashley Monroe: why cant you have kids
SrntySmile: lisa cant. medical reasons
SrntySmile: tho I think I have one anyways
SrntySmile: not sure.
Lara Ashley Monroe: yea.
SrntySmile: well.. not sure its mine anyways
Lara Ashley Monroe: you know thats the reason i stopped being able to talk toyou
SrntySmile: after you, before lisa
SrntySmile: *snort* I only slept with her 3 times
Lara Ashley Monroe: i was so hurt. so jealous.
SrntySmile: you didnt want me!
SrntySmile: you have NO idea how much I wanted you
Lara Ashley Monroe: thats not true. i just wanted to figure out me. i just. i didnt ever think id be ok. lo
Lara Ashley Monroe: guess i was right huh?
Lara Ashley Monroe: i jsut wanted to htink i could exist on my own. like you werent carrying me
Lara Ashley Monroe: and i was frightened. thought i was too young to feel the thingsi was
Lara Ashley Monroe: guess i wanted it to be harder.
Lara Ashley Monroe: i dont know
SrntySmile: so what your saying to me then is we fought alot due to sexual tension
Lara Ashley Monroe: ??
SrntySmile: makes a kind of sense lol
Lara Ashley Monroe: what do you mean sexual tension
SrntySmile: well, if you wanted me
SrntySmile: and I wanted you
SrntySmile: and nothing was happening
SrntySmile: it creates frustration
Lara Ashley Monroe: yes but i didnt want you to want to have sex with me
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wanted you to want to marry me!
SrntySmile: I did lara
Lara Ashley Monroe: or more specifically. own me
SrntySmile: and I did
Lara Ashley Monroe: we both know i was stupid
Lara Ashley Monroe: but yea. i hated that woman
Lara Ashley Monroe: i thought she stole you
Lara Ashley Monroe: i HATED her
SrntySmile: and is it so wrong I wanted to have sex with you too?
SrntySmile: thas ok. so did I
Lara Ashley Monroe: i thoguht if you had sex with me you didnt love me. jsut sex
Lara Ashley Monroe: i still think that way
SrntySmile: thats silly
SrntySmile: sex is a natural expression of love
Lara Ashley Monroe: sex is threatening and scary
SrntySmile: its used wrong most times, but its still true
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wanted to be pure. i wanted to stay your little bird. i didnt want you to view me different or God to lock me out of heaven or Ellie to be dissapointed in me
SrntySmile: and trust is built through touch
SrntySmile: lara, I loved you. I wanted to show you taht
SrntySmile: I wanted to give my body to you. and to have you do the same
Lara Ashley Monroe: you remember the hotel room in arizona>? how upset i got
SrntySmile: yup
Lara Ashley Monroe: i still do. it scares me fred
SrntySmile: doesnt surprise me
SrntySmile: and yet if you let yourself you would be such a passionate person
Lara Ashley Monroe: i dont know Fred . im not passionate about anything
SrntySmile: you are about that
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
Lara Ashley Monroe: about what
SrntySmile: passion comes in many forms.. even fear
Lara Ashley Monroe: maybe
SrntySmile: lol
Lara Ashley Monroe: i want the good kind though
Lara Ashley Monroe: the happy love something passion
SrntySmile: its deffinately more fun
Lara Ashley Monroe: like i wish i could love sewing or design or writing. then id have a career
SrntySmile: and lara, I waited for you for 5 years
Lara Ashley Monroe: im sorry. i shouldnt have made you. i didnt have any right.
Lara Ashley Monroe: but now. ive waited for you to even say hi.. for so long. so long. im sorry i made you wait.
Lara Ashley Monroe: you didnt deserve that
SrntySmile: scotts still lucky
SrntySmile: damn. flying faces
Lara Ashley Monroe: why is he lucky?
SrntySmile: because I woulda killed him
SrntySmile: hes lucky I never came down after you met him
Lara Ashley Monroe: for threatening you
Lara Ashley Monroe: ?
SrntySmile: among other things
SrntySmile: anyways, I have to go
Lara Ashley Monroe: i wish you wouldnt
SrntySmile: I know.
Lara Ashley Monroe: may i talk with you again?
SrntySmile: maybe. depends on my time
Lara Ashley Monroe: i can be accomodating i dont always take up so much time
Lara Ashley Monroe: wow. flash back for me. i used to BEG you to not hang up.
Lara Ashley Monroe: for hours
SrntySmile: yup.
SrntySmile: I will give you this tho
SrntySmile: *hugs*
Lara Ashley Monroe: thank you
SrntySmile: wow. I gotta figure out how to turn that off
Lara Ashley Monroe: lol
SrntySmile: anyways, im off now
Lara Ashley Monroe: thank you for this Fred
Lara Ashley Monroe: i loved it.
SrntySmile: yw. and before I go, look up angeldust bleed on you tube. you might like it
SrntySmile: byee
SrntySmile signed off at 5:48 PM.
SrntySmile is offline
Lara Ashley Monroe: bye