Coping.
I wrote an earlier entry touching on how those of us who work an an abortion clinic are sometimes saddened by our work. The longer I work there, the more apparent it becomes to me that believing in the freedom to choose is not really a good enough shield for the emotional impact of working at an abortion clinic. Like working at an animal shelter where you euthanize cats and dogs (and puppies and kittens), knowing that what you are doing is really beneficial (and that it should be legal) just isn't quite enough. You have to find a better way of dealing with your emotions.
Having never worked in an animal shelter, I couldn't tell you if doing abortions is harder than putting animals to sleep... but I've never heard anyone I know in vet med talk about having reactions like Angry Girl (henceforth AG, just to make things easier) or my other co-workers have.
Today was AG's official last day, though at the end the doctor asked her to come back one more day next week. Before then, I think she was trying to impart me with as much guidance as possible. At one point we had a significant break, and the suggestions (and constructive criticism) gave way to a more personal topic. I can't call it a conversation, because I didn't interupt and she had a good flow going. It wasn't a rant, either. Maybe the better word is... sermon.
She talked to me about how working in the OR effected her. For the whole time she worked here, she couldn't sleep the night before or after D&E days. Morally, she is fine with abortion. She thinks it should be legal, and she has no ill feelings towards the women who abort. Her belief system is one involving karma and reincarnation. Much like my parents, she believes that souls pick out their bodies before birth, and that they choose who they go to and what lives they will enter for a reason... to learn their own lessons and to be a part of lessons that the other souls they touch will learn. In her belief system, fetuses that are aborted picked out those bodies on purpose, and they were never meant to be carried to term in the first place. They exist to be a meaningful experience for the mother's soul. Sometimes, AG said (and I've heard patient's say), it takes the unplanned pregnancy to snap a woman out of some delusion her life is fine the way it is. Just making the decision to abort is a step towards control over her life. It was meant to happen, and was a part of the plan for both souls to become more enlightened and work their way out of the reincarnation cycle. (Sidenote: I really want to talk with my mom about this.)
Still, even believing this, working at an abortion clinic was stressful for her. The visceral reaction you can have to seeing an abortion done can really override your rational explanations of why abortion should be legal or why it isn't even immoral. It doesn't change your mind, but you still feel bad in spite of what you believe. I hope that makes sense.
I haven't found it quite that stressful. Or rather, the things about work that stress me out have little to do with abortion itself (I'm more worried about fitting in with my co-workers, and other social aspects of just working a regular job). Consciously, watching an abortion (even a late 2nd trimester one) doesn't effect me all that much. Not in a way I can really put into words, anyhow, which is probably why I've been having nightmares non-stop pretty much since I started working there. Generally, it is about being pregnant and wanting an abortion, but feeling afraid. In my dreams, it is nothing like how abortion is in reality... I'm HUGELY pregnant and terrified. The clinic is the same, but I experience it from the perspective of a patient who is afraid and overwhelmed by her pregnancy. (Actually, I don't think I have ever dreamed about the abortion itself, just the visit up to that point.) It's... really unnerving. I mean, it makes sense for me to dream about it that way, since abortion from my normal point of view isn't particularly upsetting. Hell, most of our patients aren't like I am in the dreams I have. Like I said... I haven't really been able to put words to it.
I mentioned the nightmares to a couple of my other co-workers. They said that it's pretty standard, and that they last a long while... as in a year or two. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that. Pro-lifers would probably say, "Duh, you are killing babies and not all the rationalization in the world can change that. Your heart knows this deep down and it trying to tell you something." Though, I think pro-lifers generally wouldn't articulate it as nicely or clearly as that. Pro-choicers might say that I'm being effected by empathy for what my patients must be feeling, and I am trying to identify with them better. Or they might say I am being effected by societal messages about abortion that are deeply seeded in my subconscious mind. Well, maybe no one would say those things... but those are things I think are at play.
Anyhow, it makes me wonder how everyone copes. It seems obvious to me that a couple of people I work with simply haven't coped, or haven't coped well. I think that talking about all this helps me, though. It gives me an outlet for these feelings. I don't think I could take it if I kept it bottled up.
Having never worked in an animal shelter, I couldn't tell you if doing abortions is harder than putting animals to sleep... but I've never heard anyone I know in vet med talk about having reactions like Angry Girl (henceforth AG, just to make things easier) or my other co-workers have.
Today was AG's official last day, though at the end the doctor asked her to come back one more day next week. Before then, I think she was trying to impart me with as much guidance as possible. At one point we had a significant break, and the suggestions (and constructive criticism) gave way to a more personal topic. I can't call it a conversation, because I didn't interupt and she had a good flow going. It wasn't a rant, either. Maybe the better word is... sermon.
She talked to me about how working in the OR effected her. For the whole time she worked here, she couldn't sleep the night before or after D&E days. Morally, she is fine with abortion. She thinks it should be legal, and she has no ill feelings towards the women who abort. Her belief system is one involving karma and reincarnation. Much like my parents, she believes that souls pick out their bodies before birth, and that they choose who they go to and what lives they will enter for a reason... to learn their own lessons and to be a part of lessons that the other souls they touch will learn. In her belief system, fetuses that are aborted picked out those bodies on purpose, and they were never meant to be carried to term in the first place. They exist to be a meaningful experience for the mother's soul. Sometimes, AG said (and I've heard patient's say), it takes the unplanned pregnancy to snap a woman out of some delusion her life is fine the way it is. Just making the decision to abort is a step towards control over her life. It was meant to happen, and was a part of the plan for both souls to become more enlightened and work their way out of the reincarnation cycle. (Sidenote: I really want to talk with my mom about this.)
Still, even believing this, working at an abortion clinic was stressful for her. The visceral reaction you can have to seeing an abortion done can really override your rational explanations of why abortion should be legal or why it isn't even immoral. It doesn't change your mind, but you still feel bad in spite of what you believe. I hope that makes sense.
I haven't found it quite that stressful. Or rather, the things about work that stress me out have little to do with abortion itself (I'm more worried about fitting in with my co-workers, and other social aspects of just working a regular job). Consciously, watching an abortion (even a late 2nd trimester one) doesn't effect me all that much. Not in a way I can really put into words, anyhow, which is probably why I've been having nightmares non-stop pretty much since I started working there. Generally, it is about being pregnant and wanting an abortion, but feeling afraid. In my dreams, it is nothing like how abortion is in reality... I'm HUGELY pregnant and terrified. The clinic is the same, but I experience it from the perspective of a patient who is afraid and overwhelmed by her pregnancy. (Actually, I don't think I have ever dreamed about the abortion itself, just the visit up to that point.) It's... really unnerving. I mean, it makes sense for me to dream about it that way, since abortion from my normal point of view isn't particularly upsetting. Hell, most of our patients aren't like I am in the dreams I have. Like I said... I haven't really been able to put words to it.
I mentioned the nightmares to a couple of my other co-workers. They said that it's pretty standard, and that they last a long while... as in a year or two. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that. Pro-lifers would probably say, "Duh, you are killing babies and not all the rationalization in the world can change that. Your heart knows this deep down and it trying to tell you something." Though, I think pro-lifers generally wouldn't articulate it as nicely or clearly as that. Pro-choicers might say that I'm being effected by empathy for what my patients must be feeling, and I am trying to identify with them better. Or they might say I am being effected by societal messages about abortion that are deeply seeded in my subconscious mind. Well, maybe no one would say those things... but those are things I think are at play.
Anyhow, it makes me wonder how everyone copes. It seems obvious to me that a couple of people I work with simply haven't coped, or haven't coped well. I think that talking about all this helps me, though. It gives me an outlet for these feelings. I don't think I could take it if I kept it bottled up.