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Aww man, I miss my goat. He taught me so much about the free market economy . . . I broke my bed and I wasn't even doing anything fun in it! Waste of a perfectly good broken bed! I mean - well, you know what I mean. Now it tilts weirdly. I had to prop it up with books
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Anyway. Jackal and Dragon were bored, and for once, not at war. This was mostly because Jackal had taken the form of a beautiful woman to charm Dragon's heart. Jackal and Dragon were never bored for very long, because if they spent a lot of time sitting around, they wouldn't be legends, and this story is no exception.
"Dragon," Jackal said, "Come with me. We're going to have some fun."
Dragon, who never knew what was going to happen when his ladylove said they were going to have some fun, other than that he would probably be in trouble when the fun was over, said, "What the hell, woman. Can't you see I'm nursing my wounds from a battle with the Jackal, the tricksterest of demons, Lord of Ten Thousand Knives, turncoat backstabber of a thousand raided caravans?"
"Dragon, you know what the best cure is for being a whiny bitch? Fun. Let's go have some." And Jackal took Dragon by the hand, and Dragon, grumbling, went along, not knowing his ladylove was the same trickster Jackal who had beat him all to shit in the first place. Because yeah, Jackal's like that.
So the Jackal took the form of a horse, and carried Dragon across the desert until they came to a place where a tree stood on fire, and with the man Dragon still on her back, Jackal leapt into the flames and passed through into darkness.
When the smoke cleared, a golden path unrolled before them, and Dragon slipped into Jackal's shadow just in time to see two Celestial Lions guarding a gate to Heaven. Jackal strolled up to them and went to work entertaining them with tales of her exploits. The noble lions were totally no match for the Jackal's charms, since, you know, pretty much nobody was, and in like no time at all their attention was turned, so the shadow that was Desert Dragon crept into the righteous streets of Heaven.
By the time Jackal had tired of entertaining the Lions, Dragon, who never had any fun if he could be messing somebody's shit up instead, had already found the Celestial Orchards, and like a total skid, had eaten of the Peaches of Yu-Shan.
"You dick," said Jackal, when she found him, once again a youth in the prime of life, reclining in the shade of peach trees, glutted on the holiest of fruits. "You realize now, no food will ever satisfy your hunger again."
"Whatever, woman, you don't tell me what to do," said Dragon, who totally did whatever Jackal said, because he was Jackal's bitch, because that's how Jackal rolled.
"Well, what you’ve started, we might as well finish," said Jackal. She looked at her saddlebags, which were suitable for water and rations, and said, "We're gonna need a bigger cart."
So, after Dragon got Jackal a cart, a nice cart, a classy cart, which took him like 3 tries because Dragon's idea of aesthetics was splattering the blood of his foes on the wall in interesting patterns, they set to work loading the cart with peaches. This took long, mostly because Dragon had to do it himself, because it had taken him three tries to find a damn cart, and also because Jackal had just run across a freaking desert and she didn't feel like picking fruit just then. Did I mention Dragon was Jackal's bitch?
Anyway, by means unfathomable to mortal ken and shit, Jackal and Dragon soon had a full cart of peaches, completely under the noses of Heaven’s otherwise all-seeing servants, which they carted through the streets of Heaven under the guise of a small god of smelly travelers, and a donkey. Because the Jackal and the Dragon were legends, but they weren’t too proud to bow. If it meant they could mess with a few more people.
And that is the tale of how Jackal and Dragon managed to steal not just one, not just a bagful, but a whole friggin’ cart of the Peaches of Yu Shan, over which kingdoms have gone to war, brothers have killed brothers, and by which Desert Dragon, the mortal, lived to fight a thousand battles, against, or alongside, the Jackal of Knives.
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