The White Whale: Episode One
It's so much more fun to go to the movies with a person as prone to making up wild stories about the previews as yourself. (You know the previews deserve it. Your version is much more interesting.)
The first scene of a recent preview involved a ship in a storm and a man covered in blue tattoos, which prompted my companion to venture, "Moby-Dick! It must be Moby-Dick. You know they'll do it eventually."
It was not - this time - Moby-Dick, but we agreed that the idea of Moby-Dick: Summer Blockbuster Action Movie was too awesomely wrong to pass up, and set about casting it, like so:
K: Hugh Jackman as Ishmael! They could get what's his name, Captain Picard, to be the voice of the whale. [Of course we assumed the whale would talk in this version.]
ME: Or go for it and get James Earl Jones as the whale. Then Patrick Stewart could be Ahab! He's still the captain... but not the friendly Starfleet captain you remember!
K: Of course! And then Starbuck...
ME: Right, Katie Sackhoff. Again. She's disguised as a boy and no one notices until Ishmael comes along, because they have to shoehorn in a het romance somehow. And hey [drawing on my memories of actually reading the first few chapters and bits of cultural osmosis], wasn't there some guy who got a lot of buildup and then got washed overboard right away? Bulkington? He should be one of those actors who's famous for getting killed off. Oh! Sean Bean!
We didn't get around to it, but I think Hollywood would call up Jason Momoa for Queequeg. Which would probably be more accurate casting than their usual for that kind of role, come to think of it.
Coming soon, the epic five-movie saga of obsession and marine biology! I imagine that Moby Dick, Episode One: Cuddling with a Cannibal, will be very popular in many internet circles.
...no, I don't remember what the actual preview was for. But who cares?
The first scene of a recent preview involved a ship in a storm and a man covered in blue tattoos, which prompted my companion to venture, "Moby-Dick! It must be Moby-Dick. You know they'll do it eventually."
It was not - this time - Moby-Dick, but we agreed that the idea of Moby-Dick: Summer Blockbuster Action Movie was too awesomely wrong to pass up, and set about casting it, like so:
K: Hugh Jackman as Ishmael! They could get what's his name, Captain Picard, to be the voice of the whale. [Of course we assumed the whale would talk in this version.]
ME: Or go for it and get James Earl Jones as the whale. Then Patrick Stewart could be Ahab! He's still the captain... but not the friendly Starfleet captain you remember!
K: Of course! And then Starbuck...
ME: Right, Katie Sackhoff. Again. She's disguised as a boy and no one notices until Ishmael comes along, because they have to shoehorn in a het romance somehow. And hey [drawing on my memories of actually reading the first few chapters and bits of cultural osmosis], wasn't there some guy who got a lot of buildup and then got washed overboard right away? Bulkington? He should be one of those actors who's famous for getting killed off. Oh! Sean Bean!
We didn't get around to it, but I think Hollywood would call up Jason Momoa for Queequeg. Which would probably be more accurate casting than their usual for that kind of role, come to think of it.
Coming soon, the epic five-movie saga of obsession and marine biology! I imagine that Moby Dick, Episode One: Cuddling with a Cannibal, will be very popular in many internet circles.
...no, I don't remember what the actual preview was for. But who cares?