Because life is short and Courtship is long: Episode II
Chapters 1-9
We're now at 18/27 chapters, which means that it's time for...
The Courtship of Princess Leia: Abridged (Chapters 10-18)
Chapter Ten: Welcome to Jurassic Park
LEIA: Oh no, we're going to crash into an Endor-clone and be stuck forever!
THREEPIO: No, I saw lights over there! Maybe it's a helpful subplot!
HAN: *flirt flirt*
LEIA: Srsly? Hands off, asshole.
ISOLDER: Woe is me, my mother makes me feel emasculated through her competence.
TA'A CHUME: *disarming laugh* You're soooo fascinating, Sexy Jedi Man. Would you like to see my ancient Jedi etchings?
ISOLDER: I wonder if he'll sleep with her? I mean, she is smokin' hot.
READERS: ...
LUKE: May I see what you look like behind your veil? I have a thing for green eyes.
ISOLDER: They're totally going to get it on.
LUKE: Soul-peering complete. I won't come right out and say you're a psycho bitch, but...
ISOLDER: But Mom, we don't have any Jedi records!
TA'A CHUME: This is what we politicians call a "lie." I'm trying to arrange his death, you idiot! Don't you know that Jedi are like kryptonite to dictators?
READERS: *watch prequels* O RLY?
ISOLDER: I should realize that this means she really isn't cool with me marrying an Empire-toppling rebel, but she's right, I'm an idiot.
ISOLDER: Gee, Mr. Skywalker, I heard you have magic powers. Can you help me find my intended partner-in-coup and that scoundrel friend of yours?
Chapter Eleven: Warlords and Monsters and Witches, Oh My!
LEIA: Great job, Han. A planet crawling with Imperials and monsters.
HAN: It's not my fault!
LEIA: Actually, it is. Now get me the hell off this rock.
HAN: Well... okay, it is, but I'm leaving my beloved ship behind for you, sweetheart! So we're even!
READERS: Uh, no.
HAN: Hey, Threepio, want to try helping me win back Leia's heart again? Even though you were totally useless last time?
THREEPIO: Yay! Your Highness, have you seen how dashing King Solo looks tonight? He's incredibly handsome, don't you think?*
The woods are creepy, dark, and deep. Finally, Our Idiots stop to sleep.
THREEPIO: Wake up, everyone! Zsinj is trying to liven up the plot!
HAN: My gun is too small :-(
LEIA: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?
IMPERIALS: Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?
HAN: We're... uh... fishing?
IMPERIALS: Brokeback Mountain jokes are so 2008. Try again.
CHEWBACCA, HIDING IN A TREE: Damn their timing! I almost got out of this pathetic excuse for a book! Guess I'll have to shoot the Imperial walker instead.
*No, really. Actual quote.
Chapter Twelve: Introducing Evil Matriarchy II
ISOLDER: Leia's in that flaming wreck hurtling toward the surface? Astonishing.
LUKE: It's astonishing how much that doesn't bother you. I've got to get down there!
ISOLDER: Hapan fleet, sic the Imperials!
SHIP'S LIGHTS: *dim because guns are draining so much energy*
ISOLDER: Wait, don't we Hapans have poor night vision? This is a major design flaw! *trips in low light, breaks neck*
ISOLDER: Haha, j/k. My glowing pride provides plenty of illumination. For instance, I'm going to illuminate the readers when I explain how I am totally a foil for Han. It's like literature or something!
LUKE: I'm using a strange X-wing because mine's mysteriously broken. Pay it no mind.
ISOLDER: I want to bash Solo in the head and then drag his woman back to my cave! Ooga ooga!
blah blah blah dogfight
LUKE: *is dead*
ISOLDER: WTF? The book's not over yet! And he has Main Character Protection! *ejects in panic*
Meanwhile, back on the surface...
MONSTER: *runs by noisily*
HAN: Maybe that thing explains why the Imperials aren't looking for us?
IMPERIALS: Halt! Who goes there?
HAN: Again? Damn. We're, uh, fishing! And it's my planet! I'm not the general you're looking for!
IMPERIALS: Right. Now if you don't mind coming back to base for a spot of torture...
MONSTERS: Attaaaack!
CHEWIE: Why do I have to be the one to break my ribs? Is it because I'm too competent?
LEIA: Hey, that's a rancor! They were in Return of the Jedi, remember?
SPACE AMAZON WITCH RIDING THE RANCOR: *glows in the Force* By the Power of Babelfish, I translate. Outlander Woman, bring your slaves and come with us for judgment. *whispers to friend* Did that sound ominous enough?
Chapter Thirteen: WonderLuke, What Is the Secret of Your Power?
LUKE: *floating down* O what a loon I am... O what a loon I am...
ISOLDER: What is this amazing power?
LUKE: I told you. The Plot. So, which man are you hunting for on this lovely moonlit night? And I mean that in a totally non-subtexty way, honest.
ISOLDER: Han Solo, that damned booty-stealing pirate! And by "booty," I mean "Leia."
LUKE: Silly prince - don't you know revenge is of the dark side?
ISOLDER: Say what?
LUKE: *shakes finger* Stop feeling that way right now, young man. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny!
ISOLDER: So? I'm not a Jedi.
LUKE: You could be! Maybe. I think. Sort of? Er, just stop feeling bad things, okay? Follow me into battle against the forces of darkness instead. Everyone will hate you.
ISOLDER: ...okay!
And they walked, and they walked, and they walked.
ISOLDER: How fortunate that this planet has two bright moons. Otherwise I'd be totally blind.
LUKE: Praise the Author. Now let's take a nap before crossing the Impassibly Huge Desert.
ISOLDER: But what about second breakfast?
LUKE: O, what a loon I am....
ISOLDER: Eek, stampeding blue reptiles!
LUKE: We can totally be friends with the Blue Desert People. They're stereotypical Noble Savages, but non-sapient. Let's not even get started on the implications there.
ISOLDER: Wow, you learned all that with the Force?
LUKE: *stuffs Daytrips to Dathomir into his pocket* The Force is awesome like that!
They go through the desert on a reptile with no name until the desert turns to... a nice river.
ISOLDER: Are we there yet? No? Why can't you make them take us all the way?
LUKE: I'm pompous, not tyrannical. Didn't you learn not to be bossy in kindergarten?
ISOLDER: I went to kindergarten for royalty on Hapes.
LUKE: Point taken. We're still walking.
ISOLDER: No fair! You treat your stupid droid and these stupid lizards as well you would my mom!
LUKE: Stop being a spoiled brat with a superiority complex already.
ISOLDER: *grumble grumble* Who does he think he is, anyway? He's crazy! On the other hand, he says I'm special, which is true... I am so confused.
Chapter Fourteen: Why Does It Always Have to Be Snakes?
LUKE: Isolder is just like me when I met Ben! Luckily he's too weak to take over the galaxy if I'm a bad teacher.
READERS: Zsinj seems to be causing plenty of trouble without the Force...
LUKE: Psh, logic.
They spot a plot point in the tar pits.
LUKE: Ooh, it's the Chu'unthor! What a coincidence that we found it after it was so portentously mentioned in a previous chapter.
ISOLDER: I have the curiosity of a brick.
ARTOO: There is so a droid-eating monster in there. But I will go with Luke to prove how much more awesome I am than you.
LUKE: Ooh, it was a Jedi training ship! How cool is that?
TENENIEL DJO: *thwaps Luke* Welcome to Opposite World! You are now my love-slave.
LUKE: Huh?
Meanwhile, back at the Hidden Valley of Witches...
CHEWIE: I regret signing up for this book so much. When we get back, I'm talking to my lawyer.
HAN: *combs hair* Whoa, a booze-drinking snake! I will wrestle it and be a hero!
WITCHES: Leia convinced us not to kill you.
HAN: Does that mean she loves me?
WITCHES: We never said you'd be happy to be alive.
NIGHTSISTER: Hi, we just came by to show off our evil-itis. Also... *waves hand* Where's your ship, you tasty piece of tail?
HAN: Hey, this is backwards!
WITCHES: Sorry, he's not for sale.
HAN: Also, I own the joint.
NIGHSISTERS: You're inverting the natural order of things! You can't do that! Society will collapse! We shall flee your madness through this Snape-shaped hole.
AUGWYNNE: Now Snape is a man I wouldn't mind dealing with. Too bad Jo killed him.
Chapter Fifteen: Even in a Matriarchy, You Worry That He Thinks You're Fat
TENENIEL DJO: I'll keep the witch-man and sell the pretty one for a bundle. Maybe the metal thing would be a nice doorstop.
ARTOO: Try it. I dare you.
LUKE: I can help you fight the bad witches.
TENENIEL: Pfff. I'm taking you home and then we're going to bonk.
LUKE: Oh hell no.
TENENIEL: You don't think I'm pretty? Maybe I'll kill you all so the Nightsisters can't get you.
ISOLDER: This is just like home!
LUKE: How about you free Prince Bimbo and the doorstop and I'll go home with you? Though I still object to slavery, and I doubt that marrying someone I just met is a good idea. Not that that occurred to me when it was Leia being coerced into marrying a stranger. She's just a girl, after all.
TENENIEL: Crap, he just freed himself with magic. The relationship will never work if I can't control him! If only I could fix my hair right now...
Luke and Teneniel run toward the Nightsisters because of their cunning strategery. Isolder and Artoo decide to be elsewhere.
NIGHTSISTER: Bwahaha, I have Sith lightning! Zap!
TENENIEL: Oh noes, she has damaged my boobies!
LUKE: Never fear, I can slice and dice the Nightsister and then grope you back to health.
TENENIEL: I am insecure and empty inside. I need a man to fill me, if you know what I mean. A magic man like Luke who... reminds me of my mother? This book gets more Freudian by the minute!
Potted history of Dathomir: Darkish lady Jedi puts criminal men in their place, and then some witches come down with a case of evil.
TENENIEL: Why are the Nightsisters ugly?
LUKE: Because they are evil. Don't be evil. I know that's a difficult concept, but you ladies are so behind in your learnings.
TENENIEL: I am humbled by your manly wisdom.
ISOLDER: When did I get back? And what's the story with the stormtroopers?
TENENIEL: They're sniveling minions. The Nightsisters are terrifying, and there's a hundred of them! And only twenty-five of us!
LUKE: That's nothing! Why, when I was a kid, we fought a million to one and won! And walked uphill both ways in the snow! No, really. Hoth sucked.
Chapter Sixteen: The Virtues of King Solo
HAN: That significant storm in the distance troubles me.
AUGWYNNE: You can hide under the bed if you like. Anyway, about this deed. How much for me to take it off your hands?
HAN: A ride, some bling, and a chick.
AUGWYNNE: Done. Except for the chick part, because we don't hand out women like party favors.
HAN: Wait, you were serious?
AUGWYNNE: I sorted into Slytherin. Now, scoot off to bed so the women can talk!
HAN: I just realized that maybe I can't buy Leia's love.
LEIA: In this book? Hard to say.
Some obedient man-slaves tuck them in for the night.
THREEPIO: Did you know this was a musical? Surprise! I dance, too! King Solo is so dreamy!
LEIA: 0_o This must be what going mad feels like.
The Singing Mountain witches have grown-up talk.
TANNATH: This is all Augwynne's fault.
AUGWYNNE: Now, now, don't upset the men and children by questioning my leadership. We need to get ready to play Alamo. That's not at all upsetting!
Meanwhile, in the kids' room...
HAN: Why Leia, what cold hands you have!
NIGHTSISTER!LEIA: All the better to push you off a cliff with, my dear.
LEIA: *shoots Nightsister!Leia* What kind of pirate are you, not expecting an attack? I had my blaster under my pillow!
HAN: What do you expect? My brain is missing. Must be allergies. What's with all the freaky Spider-Leias out there?
LEIA: You better get your head together, because they'll be back to terminate John Connor us.
Chapter Seventeen: Isolder Walks a Mile in Leia's Shoes
ISOLDER: You Force-users are freaking me out. Also, I cannot cook.
TENENIEL: It's a shame Luke isn't as hot as you. But I'll have some fun before I sell you!
ISOLDER: Maybe being surprise-kissed forcefully is hotter with assassins outside.
WITCHES: Check out that fine piece of ass!
ISOLDER: *blushes*
TENENIEL: Mine. Don't touch.
ISOLDER: Or how about I be free?
LEIA: Yeah, I support freedom! And he saved my life!
AUGWYNNE: The whole galaxy revolves around trying to kill you and your friends, does it?
LEIA: Er, yes, actually.
AUGWYNNE: Sorry, all sales are final. No returns.
LUKE: I am inexplicably still not bothered by people being auctioned off.
WITCHES: That witch-man is freaking us out. What next? Men getting the vote?
MILLENIUM FALCON: I am here! But broken. As usual.
HAN AND ISOLDER: Let's grunt and posture a bit.
LEIA: Guys, you can beat each other up after we get home.
HAN AND ISOLDER: Fine, fine. *geek out about ship parts* Guess we'll have to break into prison to fix this thing.
Teneniel takes Isolder to her room.
TENENIEL: Despite my willingness to take advantage of you, my oh-so-hot slave, I'm just going to ask you for fashion advice.
ISOLDER: I... uh... ooh, she's nekkid! I don't find her attractive at all, which will make for totally hot dreams tonight... wait, what?
Luke and Isolder visit Mother Rell.
MOTHER RELL: Luke, how's the family? Academy going well?
LUKE: 0_o
ISOLDER: 0_o
MOTHER RELL: And how's that old flirt Yoda doing?
LUKE: 0_o
MOTHER RELL: Wait, I thought Gethzerion killed that nice boy or girl Isolder. Oh, dear, timelines.
ISOLDER: ...wait, what? Are you saying I might be Princess Isolder? Explain, please!
AUGWYNNE: She also says the world's going to end now that you're here, btw.
LUKE: Relax. Always in motion is the future.
Chapter Eighteen: I Am Genetically Destined to Dominate Your Ass
HAN: Mine!
ISOLDER: Mine!
HAN: Mine!
ISOLDER: Mine!
LEIA: Are we there yet?
LUKE: So, Teneniel, when you say “slave,” that means you would still let me lecture you, right? Because I really get off on that.
ARTOO: Guys, shut up! I sense a disturbance in the Plot! It's shaped like a fleet of Star Destroyers.
RANCOR GRANDMA: And so, kids, this is why we have to do everything the witches say, but that doesn't make us slaves, unlike those men they treat so badly.
ISOLDER: I think matriarchy is barbaric when you include rancors. The boy rancors are more special than me! I am so genetically awesome that this cannot be tolerated.
LEIA: Dude, royal blood is not all that.
LUKE: Well, if it works...
LEIA: WTF, bro? Have you seen those portraits of the Habsburgs?
READERS: Yeah, wtf, Luke? And Leia? As far as you know, you don't have royal blood. Remember? What do you think Isolder's reaction will be when he finds out?
ISOLDER: So, you checked all the boxes on my list.
LEIA: Wait. Does this mean it wasn't love at first sight?
READERS: *headdesk*
TENENIEL: I'm still not getting your issue with matriarchy, Isolder. You're from one.
ISOLDER: Yeah, but I get some choice in who I marry so I HAVE THE POWER!
TENENIEL: You're so dumb.*
BARUKKA: *is ominous* So, you want to break into the prison, do you?
LUKE AND HAN: *plot break-in*
LEIA: I don't need to be involved in this. Planning break-ins is for boys.
BARUKKA: Why am I so ugly these days?
LUKE: Because you were bad. Let me explain the difference between “good” and “bad” to you...
*Actual quote!
We're now at 18/27 chapters, which means that it's time for...
The Courtship of Princess Leia: Abridged (Chapters 10-18)
Chapter Ten: Welcome to Jurassic Park
LEIA: Oh no, we're going to crash into an Endor-clone and be stuck forever!
THREEPIO: No, I saw lights over there! Maybe it's a helpful subplot!
HAN: *flirt flirt*
LEIA: Srsly? Hands off, asshole.
ISOLDER: Woe is me, my mother makes me feel emasculated through her competence.
TA'A CHUME: *disarming laugh* You're soooo fascinating, Sexy Jedi Man. Would you like to see my ancient Jedi etchings?
ISOLDER: I wonder if he'll sleep with her? I mean, she is smokin' hot.
READERS: ...
LUKE: May I see what you look like behind your veil? I have a thing for green eyes.
ISOLDER: They're totally going to get it on.
LUKE: Soul-peering complete. I won't come right out and say you're a psycho bitch, but...
ISOLDER: But Mom, we don't have any Jedi records!
TA'A CHUME: This is what we politicians call a "lie." I'm trying to arrange his death, you idiot! Don't you know that Jedi are like kryptonite to dictators?
READERS: *watch prequels* O RLY?
ISOLDER: I should realize that this means she really isn't cool with me marrying an Empire-toppling rebel, but she's right, I'm an idiot.
ISOLDER: Gee, Mr. Skywalker, I heard you have magic powers. Can you help me find my intended partner-in-coup and that scoundrel friend of yours?
Chapter Eleven: Warlords and Monsters and Witches, Oh My!
LEIA: Great job, Han. A planet crawling with Imperials and monsters.
HAN: It's not my fault!
LEIA: Actually, it is. Now get me the hell off this rock.
HAN: Well... okay, it is, but I'm leaving my beloved ship behind for you, sweetheart! So we're even!
READERS: Uh, no.
HAN: Hey, Threepio, want to try helping me win back Leia's heart again? Even though you were totally useless last time?
THREEPIO: Yay! Your Highness, have you seen how dashing King Solo looks tonight? He's incredibly handsome, don't you think?*
The woods are creepy, dark, and deep. Finally, Our Idiots stop to sleep.
THREEPIO: Wake up, everyone! Zsinj is trying to liven up the plot!
HAN: My gun is too small :-(
LEIA: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?
IMPERIALS: Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?
HAN: We're... uh... fishing?
IMPERIALS: Brokeback Mountain jokes are so 2008. Try again.
CHEWBACCA, HIDING IN A TREE: Damn their timing! I almost got out of this pathetic excuse for a book! Guess I'll have to shoot the Imperial walker instead.
*No, really. Actual quote.
Chapter Twelve: Introducing Evil Matriarchy II
ISOLDER: Leia's in that flaming wreck hurtling toward the surface? Astonishing.
LUKE: It's astonishing how much that doesn't bother you. I've got to get down there!
ISOLDER: Hapan fleet, sic the Imperials!
SHIP'S LIGHTS: *dim because guns are draining so much energy*
ISOLDER: Wait, don't we Hapans have poor night vision? This is a major design flaw! *trips in low light, breaks neck*
ISOLDER: Haha, j/k. My glowing pride provides plenty of illumination. For instance, I'm going to illuminate the readers when I explain how I am totally a foil for Han. It's like literature or something!
LUKE: I'm using a strange X-wing because mine's mysteriously broken. Pay it no mind.
ISOLDER: I want to bash Solo in the head and then drag his woman back to my cave! Ooga ooga!
blah blah blah dogfight
LUKE: *is dead*
ISOLDER: WTF? The book's not over yet! And he has Main Character Protection! *ejects in panic*
Meanwhile, back on the surface...
MONSTER: *runs by noisily*
HAN: Maybe that thing explains why the Imperials aren't looking for us?
IMPERIALS: Halt! Who goes there?
HAN: Again? Damn. We're, uh, fishing! And it's my planet! I'm not the general you're looking for!
IMPERIALS: Right. Now if you don't mind coming back to base for a spot of torture...
MONSTERS: Attaaaack!
CHEWIE: Why do I have to be the one to break my ribs? Is it because I'm too competent?
LEIA: Hey, that's a rancor! They were in Return of the Jedi, remember?
SPACE AMAZON WITCH RIDING THE RANCOR: *glows in the Force* By the Power of Babelfish, I translate. Outlander Woman, bring your slaves and come with us for judgment. *whispers to friend* Did that sound ominous enough?
Chapter Thirteen: WonderLuke, What Is the Secret of Your Power?
LUKE: *floating down* O what a loon I am... O what a loon I am...
ISOLDER: What is this amazing power?
LUKE: I told you. The Plot. So, which man are you hunting for on this lovely moonlit night? And I mean that in a totally non-subtexty way, honest.
ISOLDER: Han Solo, that damned booty-stealing pirate! And by "booty," I mean "Leia."
LUKE: Silly prince - don't you know revenge is of the dark side?
ISOLDER: Say what?
LUKE: *shakes finger* Stop feeling that way right now, young man. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny!
ISOLDER: So? I'm not a Jedi.
LUKE: You could be! Maybe. I think. Sort of? Er, just stop feeling bad things, okay? Follow me into battle against the forces of darkness instead. Everyone will hate you.
ISOLDER: ...okay!
And they walked, and they walked, and they walked.
ISOLDER: How fortunate that this planet has two bright moons. Otherwise I'd be totally blind.
LUKE: Praise the Author. Now let's take a nap before crossing the Impassibly Huge Desert.
ISOLDER: But what about second breakfast?
LUKE: O, what a loon I am....
ISOLDER: Eek, stampeding blue reptiles!
LUKE: We can totally be friends with the Blue Desert People. They're stereotypical Noble Savages, but non-sapient. Let's not even get started on the implications there.
ISOLDER: Wow, you learned all that with the Force?
LUKE: *stuffs Daytrips to Dathomir into his pocket* The Force is awesome like that!
They go through the desert on a reptile with no name until the desert turns to... a nice river.
ISOLDER: Are we there yet? No? Why can't you make them take us all the way?
LUKE: I'm pompous, not tyrannical. Didn't you learn not to be bossy in kindergarten?
ISOLDER: I went to kindergarten for royalty on Hapes.
LUKE: Point taken. We're still walking.
ISOLDER: No fair! You treat your stupid droid and these stupid lizards as well you would my mom!
LUKE: Stop being a spoiled brat with a superiority complex already.
ISOLDER: *grumble grumble* Who does he think he is, anyway? He's crazy! On the other hand, he says I'm special, which is true... I am so confused.
Chapter Fourteen: Why Does It Always Have to Be Snakes?
LUKE: Isolder is just like me when I met Ben! Luckily he's too weak to take over the galaxy if I'm a bad teacher.
READERS: Zsinj seems to be causing plenty of trouble without the Force...
LUKE: Psh, logic.
They spot a plot point in the tar pits.
LUKE: Ooh, it's the Chu'unthor! What a coincidence that we found it after it was so portentously mentioned in a previous chapter.
ISOLDER: I have the curiosity of a brick.
ARTOO: There is so a droid-eating monster in there. But I will go with Luke to prove how much more awesome I am than you.
LUKE: Ooh, it was a Jedi training ship! How cool is that?
TENENIEL DJO: *thwaps Luke* Welcome to Opposite World! You are now my love-slave.
LUKE: Huh?
Meanwhile, back at the Hidden Valley of Witches...
CHEWIE: I regret signing up for this book so much. When we get back, I'm talking to my lawyer.
HAN: *combs hair* Whoa, a booze-drinking snake! I will wrestle it and be a hero!
WITCHES: Leia convinced us not to kill you.
HAN: Does that mean she loves me?
WITCHES: We never said you'd be happy to be alive.
NIGHTSISTER: Hi, we just came by to show off our evil-itis. Also... *waves hand* Where's your ship, you tasty piece of tail?
HAN: Hey, this is backwards!
WITCHES: Sorry, he's not for sale.
HAN: Also, I own the joint.
NIGHSISTERS: You're inverting the natural order of things! You can't do that! Society will collapse! We shall flee your madness through this Snape-shaped hole.
AUGWYNNE: Now Snape is a man I wouldn't mind dealing with. Too bad Jo killed him.
Chapter Fifteen: Even in a Matriarchy, You Worry That He Thinks You're Fat
TENENIEL DJO: I'll keep the witch-man and sell the pretty one for a bundle. Maybe the metal thing would be a nice doorstop.
ARTOO: Try it. I dare you.
LUKE: I can help you fight the bad witches.
TENENIEL: Pfff. I'm taking you home and then we're going to bonk.
LUKE: Oh hell no.
TENENIEL: You don't think I'm pretty? Maybe I'll kill you all so the Nightsisters can't get you.
ISOLDER: This is just like home!
LUKE: How about you free Prince Bimbo and the doorstop and I'll go home with you? Though I still object to slavery, and I doubt that marrying someone I just met is a good idea. Not that that occurred to me when it was Leia being coerced into marrying a stranger. She's just a girl, after all.
TENENIEL: Crap, he just freed himself with magic. The relationship will never work if I can't control him! If only I could fix my hair right now...
Luke and Teneniel run toward the Nightsisters because of their cunning strategery. Isolder and Artoo decide to be elsewhere.
NIGHTSISTER: Bwahaha, I have Sith lightning! Zap!
TENENIEL: Oh noes, she has damaged my boobies!
LUKE: Never fear, I can slice and dice the Nightsister and then grope you back to health.
TENENIEL: I am insecure and empty inside. I need a man to fill me, if you know what I mean. A magic man like Luke who... reminds me of my mother? This book gets more Freudian by the minute!
Potted history of Dathomir: Darkish lady Jedi puts criminal men in their place, and then some witches come down with a case of evil.
TENENIEL: Why are the Nightsisters ugly?
LUKE: Because they are evil. Don't be evil. I know that's a difficult concept, but you ladies are so behind in your learnings.
TENENIEL: I am humbled by your manly wisdom.
ISOLDER: When did I get back? And what's the story with the stormtroopers?
TENENIEL: They're sniveling minions. The Nightsisters are terrifying, and there's a hundred of them! And only twenty-five of us!
LUKE: That's nothing! Why, when I was a kid, we fought a million to one and won! And walked uphill both ways in the snow! No, really. Hoth sucked.
Chapter Sixteen: The Virtues of King Solo
HAN: That significant storm in the distance troubles me.
AUGWYNNE: You can hide under the bed if you like. Anyway, about this deed. How much for me to take it off your hands?
HAN: A ride, some bling, and a chick.
AUGWYNNE: Done. Except for the chick part, because we don't hand out women like party favors.
HAN: Wait, you were serious?
AUGWYNNE: I sorted into Slytherin. Now, scoot off to bed so the women can talk!
HAN: I just realized that maybe I can't buy Leia's love.
LEIA: In this book? Hard to say.
Some obedient man-slaves tuck them in for the night.
THREEPIO: Did you know this was a musical? Surprise! I dance, too! King Solo is so dreamy!
LEIA: 0_o This must be what going mad feels like.
The Singing Mountain witches have grown-up talk.
TANNATH: This is all Augwynne's fault.
AUGWYNNE: Now, now, don't upset the men and children by questioning my leadership. We need to get ready to play Alamo. That's not at all upsetting!
Meanwhile, in the kids' room...
HAN: Why Leia, what cold hands you have!
NIGHTSISTER!LEIA: All the better to push you off a cliff with, my dear.
LEIA: *shoots Nightsister!Leia* What kind of pirate are you, not expecting an attack? I had my blaster under my pillow!
HAN: What do you expect? My brain is missing. Must be allergies. What's with all the freaky Spider-Leias out there?
LEIA: You better get your head together, because they'll be back to terminate John Connor us.
Chapter Seventeen: Isolder Walks a Mile in Leia's Shoes
ISOLDER: You Force-users are freaking me out. Also, I cannot cook.
TENENIEL: It's a shame Luke isn't as hot as you. But I'll have some fun before I sell you!
ISOLDER: Maybe being surprise-kissed forcefully is hotter with assassins outside.
WITCHES: Check out that fine piece of ass!
ISOLDER: *blushes*
TENENIEL: Mine. Don't touch.
ISOLDER: Or how about I be free?
LEIA: Yeah, I support freedom! And he saved my life!
AUGWYNNE: The whole galaxy revolves around trying to kill you and your friends, does it?
LEIA: Er, yes, actually.
AUGWYNNE: Sorry, all sales are final. No returns.
LUKE: I am inexplicably still not bothered by people being auctioned off.
WITCHES: That witch-man is freaking us out. What next? Men getting the vote?
MILLENIUM FALCON: I am here! But broken. As usual.
HAN AND ISOLDER: Let's grunt and posture a bit.
LEIA: Guys, you can beat each other up after we get home.
HAN AND ISOLDER: Fine, fine. *geek out about ship parts* Guess we'll have to break into prison to fix this thing.
Teneniel takes Isolder to her room.
TENENIEL: Despite my willingness to take advantage of you, my oh-so-hot slave, I'm just going to ask you for fashion advice.
ISOLDER: I... uh... ooh, she's nekkid! I don't find her attractive at all, which will make for totally hot dreams tonight... wait, what?
Luke and Isolder visit Mother Rell.
MOTHER RELL: Luke, how's the family? Academy going well?
LUKE: 0_o
ISOLDER: 0_o
MOTHER RELL: And how's that old flirt Yoda doing?
LUKE: 0_o
MOTHER RELL: Wait, I thought Gethzerion killed that nice boy or girl Isolder. Oh, dear, timelines.
ISOLDER: ...wait, what? Are you saying I might be Princess Isolder? Explain, please!
AUGWYNNE: She also says the world's going to end now that you're here, btw.
LUKE: Relax. Always in motion is the future.
Chapter Eighteen: I Am Genetically Destined to Dominate Your Ass
HAN: Mine!
ISOLDER: Mine!
HAN: Mine!
ISOLDER: Mine!
LEIA: Are we there yet?
LUKE: So, Teneniel, when you say “slave,” that means you would still let me lecture you, right? Because I really get off on that.
ARTOO: Guys, shut up! I sense a disturbance in the Plot! It's shaped like a fleet of Star Destroyers.
RANCOR GRANDMA: And so, kids, this is why we have to do everything the witches say, but that doesn't make us slaves, unlike those men they treat so badly.
ISOLDER: I think matriarchy is barbaric when you include rancors. The boy rancors are more special than me! I am so genetically awesome that this cannot be tolerated.
LEIA: Dude, royal blood is not all that.
LUKE: Well, if it works...
LEIA: WTF, bro? Have you seen those portraits of the Habsburgs?
READERS: Yeah, wtf, Luke? And Leia? As far as you know, you don't have royal blood. Remember? What do you think Isolder's reaction will be when he finds out?
ISOLDER: So, you checked all the boxes on my list.
LEIA: Wait. Does this mean it wasn't love at first sight?
READERS: *headdesk*
TENENIEL: I'm still not getting your issue with matriarchy, Isolder. You're from one.
ISOLDER: Yeah, but I get some choice in who I marry so I HAVE THE POWER!
TENENIEL: You're so dumb.*
BARUKKA: *is ominous* So, you want to break into the prison, do you?
LUKE AND HAN: *plot break-in*
LEIA: I don't need to be involved in this. Planning break-ins is for boys.
BARUKKA: Why am I so ugly these days?
LUKE: Because you were bad. Let me explain the difference between “good” and “bad” to you...
*Actual quote!