(no subject)
Been a long time since I've written in here. Probably doesn't get read anymore, but that's just fine since this is going to be more of a venting entry than anything. If I hurt your feelings or you don't like what I say I'm sorry but it's how I feel right now.
It feels like everything's just totally screwed up now. I let myself get back into a false sense of security over the summer with everyone coming home. I was thrilled to see all the friends I did, though I didn't get to see everyone which was rather disappointing. But I had girl friends again which was great and now they're pretty much all going away. And yea, we can talk on the phone or online but it's not the same as having them 10 or 20 minutes away and being able to call them up and be like "hey I'm having a bad night, let's go do something" or anything like that. I think I'll miss Sam the most. She's been so amazing and we've actually gotten to spend a decent amount of time together, venting about guy troubles and parents and school stuff...she's been terrific. Sam, if you read this, Thank you so much. I appreciate it more than I can say.
On top of that, it feels like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough. Ever. I work my ass off at work, the highest grade I can get is a 3 (out of 4 but still). I used to get 4's all the time. Now I work harder and more hours and I can't get above a 3. I don't get it. I've learned more and take on more..whenever they need something to get done I do it. AND I don't complain about it. I don't stand around and talk all the time, I mean every once in a while my friend and I talk for a few minutes, but never when customers are around. We get our work done.
Then apparently because I don't have a penis, my efforts to help a friend through a rough break up don't mean shit. He's thanked a whole slew of his buddies and whatnot but who was there for the phone calls at 1 in the morning? Who spent the entire day with him after it happened doing everything they could to console him? NOT those guys, I can tell you that much. I would do it for any of my friends, especially him, and no I don't want anything in return but acknowledgement might be nice. Ok, I'm venting and I'm sorry it just hurt to read that whole list of people that he says helped him so much but when he called them at crazy hours they told him to shut up and go away.
I'm worried sick about my Grandmother. She's 91 and was doing well. I mean, she has some memory loss but that's what happens when you get older. I understand that. But lately she's been in and out of the hospital and having complications and I can't stand seeing her in pain. I can't watch it. I just can't handle it. Maybe I'm weak because of it but...she always took care of me when I was little. My Mom had to work a lot, so my sister and I spent a lot of time at her house. Now my sister and I take care of her. I don't like this role reversal. She was the strongest person I knew...now she's so frail. I can't watch...I can't take it anymore. But I don't have a choice. I won't leave her...even if she doesn't always remember me.
I can't explain how I feel really. I guess the best way to sum it up is I feel like an afterthought. I get invitations to things through people because they're talking about going and say "oh hey, you should come too" or "oh gee, I wish you coulda been there blah blah blah" I wasn't there because you didn't invite me so shut the fuck up. Some of my friends wouldn't even give me the time of day this summer and then they wonder why we didn't hang out. Well, maybe if you'd returned my phone calls/IMs etc or hadn't blown me off we would've hung out. I don't want any of this in between bullshit. Either be my friend or don't. I'd rather be alone than in limbo. It all seems to go in waves too. One week I'm running around like crazy trying to see everyone and do everything, the next I'm drowning myself in work to keep busy. I don't know...I'm lonely. I want that...special someone. Unfortunately...I don't see that happening any time soon. There is one guy that things look like they might work out but I'm sure I'll find a way to screw it up if I haven't already. Oh well. Whatever. I'm done rambling for now. Like I said, if I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. G'night.
It feels like everything's just totally screwed up now. I let myself get back into a false sense of security over the summer with everyone coming home. I was thrilled to see all the friends I did, though I didn't get to see everyone which was rather disappointing. But I had girl friends again which was great and now they're pretty much all going away. And yea, we can talk on the phone or online but it's not the same as having them 10 or 20 minutes away and being able to call them up and be like "hey I'm having a bad night, let's go do something" or anything like that. I think I'll miss Sam the most. She's been so amazing and we've actually gotten to spend a decent amount of time together, venting about guy troubles and parents and school stuff...she's been terrific. Sam, if you read this, Thank you so much. I appreciate it more than I can say.
On top of that, it feels like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough. Ever. I work my ass off at work, the highest grade I can get is a 3 (out of 4 but still). I used to get 4's all the time. Now I work harder and more hours and I can't get above a 3. I don't get it. I've learned more and take on more..whenever they need something to get done I do it. AND I don't complain about it. I don't stand around and talk all the time, I mean every once in a while my friend and I talk for a few minutes, but never when customers are around. We get our work done.
Then apparently because I don't have a penis, my efforts to help a friend through a rough break up don't mean shit. He's thanked a whole slew of his buddies and whatnot but who was there for the phone calls at 1 in the morning? Who spent the entire day with him after it happened doing everything they could to console him? NOT those guys, I can tell you that much. I would do it for any of my friends, especially him, and no I don't want anything in return but acknowledgement might be nice. Ok, I'm venting and I'm sorry it just hurt to read that whole list of people that he says helped him so much but when he called them at crazy hours they told him to shut up and go away.
I'm worried sick about my Grandmother. She's 91 and was doing well. I mean, she has some memory loss but that's what happens when you get older. I understand that. But lately she's been in and out of the hospital and having complications and I can't stand seeing her in pain. I can't watch it. I just can't handle it. Maybe I'm weak because of it but...she always took care of me when I was little. My Mom had to work a lot, so my sister and I spent a lot of time at her house. Now my sister and I take care of her. I don't like this role reversal. She was the strongest person I knew...now she's so frail. I can't watch...I can't take it anymore. But I don't have a choice. I won't leave her...even if she doesn't always remember me.
I can't explain how I feel really. I guess the best way to sum it up is I feel like an afterthought. I get invitations to things through people because they're talking about going and say "oh hey, you should come too" or "oh gee, I wish you coulda been there blah blah blah" I wasn't there because you didn't invite me so shut the fuck up. Some of my friends wouldn't even give me the time of day this summer and then they wonder why we didn't hang out. Well, maybe if you'd returned my phone calls/IMs etc or hadn't blown me off we would've hung out. I don't want any of this in between bullshit. Either be my friend or don't. I'd rather be alone than in limbo. It all seems to go in waves too. One week I'm running around like crazy trying to see everyone and do everything, the next I'm drowning myself in work to keep busy. I don't know...I'm lonely. I want that...special someone. Unfortunately...I don't see that happening any time soon. There is one guy that things look like they might work out but I'm sure I'll find a way to screw it up if I haven't already. Oh well. Whatever. I'm done rambling for now. Like I said, if I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. G'night.