(no subject)
What if, despite my generally
sunny, optimistic outlook, nothing works out? What if it all comes
crashing down? All my ambitions, all my plans, all my dreams of success
and glory and comfort and...more than anything else...happiness and
satisfaction? What if it all falls apart, slips through my fingers
despite all my efforts? What if my considerable powers are not enough
to see me through the storm of life's chance? No matter how strong or
clever or kind or dedicated I am, what if it ends up not mattering?
What if life isn't really as nice as I seem to think of it as being?
What if I'm not special or deserving or good enough for any of the things I want with all my heart?
I wrote an email to my cousin, Megan, tonight, because I saw her briefly this past weekend, but we didn't get to finish our conversation about our lives and their stressors. And the things I fear just kept pouring out. I don't know what's wrong with me...letting go seems to be tantamount to failure, and I fear failure more than pain, more than death, more than anything I can imagine. Even spiders on me.
The balance of my life is so fragile right now. I wish I were finished, that I could just settle into an eddying pool somewhere, instead of having to maintain my course in these rapids which carry me sporadically, fickly toward my goal. Fate is so mercurial.
I feel so exhausted...not physically, not even mentally. Spiritually. It's even hard for me to pray, sometimes. It's as if I don't have the power to focus my mind anymore. I can't concentrate on anything. It seems quaint and cute when I watch anime or read something inane or go swimming for hours instead of focusing on my requirements, but...I can't not do it. I have no strength of will anymore, it feels.
I don't know. I keep telling myself that whatever it is that I'm suffering through, blundering through with my eyes closed, falling through...it will be over. Just a few more weeks....months...years....but what if this tenuous balance I've established on the raft is lost, and I'm tossed without a rudder into the dark waters?
Sometimes I'm so afraid.
Don't bother reading the email if you don't feel like it. It's really long. It's pretty much a more specific version of what I just whined above. The point is similar.
I feel a bout of insomnia coming on fierce.
Hey, Megs, I told you I'd write you, and so here I am. Well, we really didn't get to finish our conversation over chai, but at least the wonders of technology allow us to interact in this cold space.
I shouldn't talk long. I need to take a shower and go to bed. I skipped my first class today because it's garbage and I can't stand the teachers because they don't know what they're doing. They are really good ESL high school teachers, but...I'm not an ESL high school student, you know? I'm a college senior, and I really don't appreciate being taught as if I were a fourth grader, being made to write all sorts of little journals and do posters and listen to them read me things out loud. Maybe I'm an elitist, but that's just how I am.
Honestly, I'm really worried right now. My finances are shot and I have to fill out all these forms or risk Western pulling all my financial aid...I didn't find out about this until Monday, and I almost had a break down right there in the office. It's so complicated, and unfair. It's because my mom got remarried (they want Dennis's tax information, which he refuses to give them) and I have too many credits (201, after summer quarter) so they're trying to make me graduate or pull my aid. It's making me sick to my stomach.
That, and despite all my carrying on about how lame the classes and the teachers are...I'm not really sure I'm cut out to be a teacher of this subject, or maybe of any subject. They have such high expectations, and I thought at the beginning that it would be a cinch, but the closer I get to the deadline, the more difficult it is for me to even understand what they want or how I should go about it. I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else gets. Why is it that I'm just barely scraping by the skin of my teeth through this class? It's not for lack of raw brains (honestly that's probably the only thing saving me from utter failure--I pick up information the first time, and very fast) but there are tons of people probably not as 'brilliant' as me who seem to understand and perform so much better. Am I just not suited for it? I don't know, but I'm starting to feel like something's wrong.
I have five papers/projects due in the next week. I'm so scared, and I don't even know where to start. Getting a C is starting to look more and more enticing. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it.
I keep telling myself, too, that all my troubles will be over, for better or for worse, once these summer courses reach their end. Just another week, I say to myself every time I look at the syllabus and feel overwhelmed. Just one more week. But it's not true. Because after about three weeks of questionable relaxation, since I'll still be working (and as much as I can, given the state of my finances) I'll go back to school and back into the gauntlet. I'm going to be the president of National Society of Collegiate Scholars this year at Western, and that's going to take a tremendous amount of my time and concentration to keep going and to improve. I'm also going to be on Student Senate, which commits me to at least two meetings a week independent of NSCS. I'll also be trying to finish up my academic nonsense, which involves two senior projects and two full teaching practicums which I'm supposed to squeeze in there next to my full course load. I'm also going to be on the Honors Board since I'm a charter member and I'm going to St. Louis to give a presentation on the formation of a new honors board at the national conference with a few other folks. Oh, and I'd like to be on the ice hockey team, and to play intramural and community hockey, because otherwise I'll never get any damn exercise and I'll get even fatter than I already am. There's another something weighing heavy on my mind...get it? Heavy. Ha. (sigh. Not funny.)
I also need to take the GRE and start grad school, if not this year, then the beginning of next year, to get my teaching certification. By then, my scholarships will have been exhausted, and so will my mind. I'm so tired already, but my ambition won't let me let anything go, and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it all. How could I?
As if that weren't enough, I have to worry about Erik; he has tendencies toward depression, and it tears me apart to see him slide into sadness and apathy...I do everything I can to brighten his life, but I'm not with him...I can't be with him, not when he's in Bremerton and I'm here...and I miss home. I miss the family, and I miss my dad...he's 66 years old, and he already forgets things because of the medication he's on...I'm scared that he won't get to know my children.
I'm....I don't know if there is a word to tell how I feel. Overwhelmed? Exhausted? Numb? Afraid? I don't know what I should do, or even if I'm on the path that God intends for me. Sometimes I think it would be nice just to drop everything and run away, but I know that would be selfish, and that's something I try to avoid. Ha.
I think I needed to tell you all this, just so someone will know. There isn't really anyone that I want to talk to about all this together in my circle of friends...they don't understand like you do. They aren't, as a rule, going insane with stress and being pulled a hundred different directions by work and school and volunteering and programs and school and money. I guess some people are just more clever than us, huh? -)
Anyway, wish me luck. I think I'm going to go take a long shower. And think about things. Now, it's your turn to pour out your troubles to me. Tell me about Daniel, and Creative Networks (or whatever it's called; I can't remember) and design, and Arizona, and anything else that is sitting heavy on your heart. It makes it feel a little better just to say it, I've found.
I love you, Megan. I'm glad I got to see you. I miss you. When the madness stops, we should spend a decent amount of time together and with our family, recovering from the shell shock of our college years. Good luck, and God bless.
Robin
What if life isn't really as nice as I seem to think of it as being?
What if I'm not special or deserving or good enough for any of the things I want with all my heart?
I wrote an email to my cousin, Megan, tonight, because I saw her briefly this past weekend, but we didn't get to finish our conversation about our lives and their stressors. And the things I fear just kept pouring out. I don't know what's wrong with me...letting go seems to be tantamount to failure, and I fear failure more than pain, more than death, more than anything I can imagine. Even spiders on me.
The balance of my life is so fragile right now. I wish I were finished, that I could just settle into an eddying pool somewhere, instead of having to maintain my course in these rapids which carry me sporadically, fickly toward my goal. Fate is so mercurial.
I feel so exhausted...not physically, not even mentally. Spiritually. It's even hard for me to pray, sometimes. It's as if I don't have the power to focus my mind anymore. I can't concentrate on anything. It seems quaint and cute when I watch anime or read something inane or go swimming for hours instead of focusing on my requirements, but...I can't not do it. I have no strength of will anymore, it feels.
I don't know. I keep telling myself that whatever it is that I'm suffering through, blundering through with my eyes closed, falling through...it will be over. Just a few more weeks....months...years....but what if this tenuous balance I've established on the raft is lost, and I'm tossed without a rudder into the dark waters?
Sometimes I'm so afraid.
Don't bother reading the email if you don't feel like it. It's really long. It's pretty much a more specific version of what I just whined above. The point is similar.
I feel a bout of insomnia coming on fierce.
Hey, Megs, I told you I'd write you, and so here I am. Well, we really didn't get to finish our conversation over chai, but at least the wonders of technology allow us to interact in this cold space.
I shouldn't talk long. I need to take a shower and go to bed. I skipped my first class today because it's garbage and I can't stand the teachers because they don't know what they're doing. They are really good ESL high school teachers, but...I'm not an ESL high school student, you know? I'm a college senior, and I really don't appreciate being taught as if I were a fourth grader, being made to write all sorts of little journals and do posters and listen to them read me things out loud. Maybe I'm an elitist, but that's just how I am.
Honestly, I'm really worried right now. My finances are shot and I have to fill out all these forms or risk Western pulling all my financial aid...I didn't find out about this until Monday, and I almost had a break down right there in the office. It's so complicated, and unfair. It's because my mom got remarried (they want Dennis's tax information, which he refuses to give them) and I have too many credits (201, after summer quarter) so they're trying to make me graduate or pull my aid. It's making me sick to my stomach.
That, and despite all my carrying on about how lame the classes and the teachers are...I'm not really sure I'm cut out to be a teacher of this subject, or maybe of any subject. They have such high expectations, and I thought at the beginning that it would be a cinch, but the closer I get to the deadline, the more difficult it is for me to even understand what they want or how I should go about it. I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else gets. Why is it that I'm just barely scraping by the skin of my teeth through this class? It's not for lack of raw brains (honestly that's probably the only thing saving me from utter failure--I pick up information the first time, and very fast) but there are tons of people probably not as 'brilliant' as me who seem to understand and perform so much better. Am I just not suited for it? I don't know, but I'm starting to feel like something's wrong.
I have five papers/projects due in the next week. I'm so scared, and I don't even know where to start. Getting a C is starting to look more and more enticing. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it.
I keep telling myself, too, that all my troubles will be over, for better or for worse, once these summer courses reach their end. Just another week, I say to myself every time I look at the syllabus and feel overwhelmed. Just one more week. But it's not true. Because after about three weeks of questionable relaxation, since I'll still be working (and as much as I can, given the state of my finances) I'll go back to school and back into the gauntlet. I'm going to be the president of National Society of Collegiate Scholars this year at Western, and that's going to take a tremendous amount of my time and concentration to keep going and to improve. I'm also going to be on Student Senate, which commits me to at least two meetings a week independent of NSCS. I'll also be trying to finish up my academic nonsense, which involves two senior projects and two full teaching practicums which I'm supposed to squeeze in there next to my full course load. I'm also going to be on the Honors Board since I'm a charter member and I'm going to St. Louis to give a presentation on the formation of a new honors board at the national conference with a few other folks. Oh, and I'd like to be on the ice hockey team, and to play intramural and community hockey, because otherwise I'll never get any damn exercise and I'll get even fatter than I already am. There's another something weighing heavy on my mind...get it? Heavy. Ha. (sigh. Not funny.)
I also need to take the GRE and start grad school, if not this year, then the beginning of next year, to get my teaching certification. By then, my scholarships will have been exhausted, and so will my mind. I'm so tired already, but my ambition won't let me let anything go, and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it all. How could I?
As if that weren't enough, I have to worry about Erik; he has tendencies toward depression, and it tears me apart to see him slide into sadness and apathy...I do everything I can to brighten his life, but I'm not with him...I can't be with him, not when he's in Bremerton and I'm here...and I miss home. I miss the family, and I miss my dad...he's 66 years old, and he already forgets things because of the medication he's on...I'm scared that he won't get to know my children.
I'm....I don't know if there is a word to tell how I feel. Overwhelmed? Exhausted? Numb? Afraid? I don't know what I should do, or even if I'm on the path that God intends for me. Sometimes I think it would be nice just to drop everything and run away, but I know that would be selfish, and that's something I try to avoid. Ha.
I think I needed to tell you all this, just so someone will know. There isn't really anyone that I want to talk to about all this together in my circle of friends...they don't understand like you do. They aren't, as a rule, going insane with stress and being pulled a hundred different directions by work and school and volunteering and programs and school and money. I guess some people are just more clever than us, huh? -)
Anyway, wish me luck. I think I'm going to go take a long shower. And think about things. Now, it's your turn to pour out your troubles to me. Tell me about Daniel, and Creative Networks (or whatever it's called; I can't remember) and design, and Arizona, and anything else that is sitting heavy on your heart. It makes it feel a little better just to say it, I've found.
I love you, Megan. I'm glad I got to see you. I miss you. When the madness stops, we should spend a decent amount of time together and with our family, recovering from the shell shock of our college years. Good luck, and God bless.
Robin