You mean you and Mom played pelvic pinachle?
Ok, so I'm not in the most chipper of moods, but people have told me that my livejournal is too depressing, that all I ever do is complain. So I figure since that's what I'm planning on doing in this post (I like to call it "VENTING" though) I thought I should at least PRETEND to be happy for everyone's sake. Because I mean, who wants to hear anyone talk about why they're depressed?
Please, that's such a load of bullshit.
Anyway, sorry to those of you that enjoy my more humourous posts ... I'm just not in the mood tonight. Too much on my mind. I got to talk to Dave for a little bit today, which was nice since I haven't had the chance in a while. And it was soooo nice outside today. For the most part, my day was enjoyable (see? I can still pick out the good things in my life) ... I just don't feel like I'm enjoying the things that I SHOULD be. Part of me wishes I HAD gone back home this summer. So far, I have yet to find a steady, good paying job so I can pay for fall tuition, which is steadily creeping closer to being due. And I really miss hanging out outside with my family ... playing catch and beach volleyball with my little sisters, taking my godsister to Dairy Queen, babysitting for the Senn's inbetween waitressing shifts, going fishing and canoeing with my dad, going for walks with my mom, seeing my friends that have come home for the summer. I really kind of miss all that. And yeah, it's nice being here, but at the same time, I don't feel like I should be here simply because my friends are (besides the whole summer classes thing).
I'm just so fucking frustrated right now and I feel like there is no one out there willing to really just LISTEN and try to UNDERSTAND. I don't want an explanation as to why I'm upset, I don't need sympathy or empathy, I don't need someone to sit there and tell me what I need to do to make things better ... it would just be nice to have someone ask me how things were going in my life and REALLY TRULY want to know without being prompted because of my attitude. I mean, yeah, if I get quiet and reserved, of course people ask me what's going on then because it creates an uncomfortable silence when I fail to hold up my end of a conversation. But rarely does someone sit down next to me and ask me "So, how have you been?" without wanting to hear a one- or two-word answer. And I'm not dumb. I can tell when I'm boring someone. So sometimes I feel like it's just better to keep my mouth shut about things. Yes, I know I have friends that SAY they will always be there for me, to listen when I need someone, but when push comes to shove, nobody wants to listen to someone bitch about their life. At least no one wants to do that for me. I of course do it for other people. I know I'm not perfect ... I'm nowhere close, but I really do feel like I try to make an effort to know what's going on in my friend's lives and to know how they're feeling. If not, it's most likely because I'm preoccuppied with something else, but even so, I feel like I drop things to be there for others.
Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I have some degree of social anxiety or inferiority complex. I feel like I have to work myself up to "get in the mood" to be around large groups of people. And I never feel like I'm interesting enough for people to hold a conversation with. I usually feel like people just talk to me when they have no one else to talk with.
Since when did I become so ultimately depressing? I mean, sure, I wasn't always the happiest kid on the playground, but I've never been this down on myself. Not since middle school at least. It's so frustrating to feel like I'm making this extra effort to be a good friend and nice to other people and to feel like no one consider's me as one. In fact, several of my friends most likely consider me rude and inconsiderate. I know I've done some things to upset them in the past and I am sorry for that, but not everyone is perfect. I think the deepest regret I have about my life is that I've spent so much time and effort on relationships that just fizzled out when I should have put more of that into the friendships that have lasted. But I guess that is the true test of friendship, isn't it? The real ones last unconditionally.
The whole relationship thing is starting to bother me too. I always feel like I have a million and one questions or comments I want to say to Brian, but I don't want to sound rude, or I think it would be better if I don't make a big deal about a certain thing. I hate to say it, but I wish he would reassure me and do sweet things for me half as much as Mike did. I miss that about him. I don't like to say so, but I do. Don't get me wrong, Brian does nice things for me occassionally, but it's getting to the point to where I'm starting to feel used. I usually end up making him dinner ... and he just got a new job, so for the past two nights, I've invited him over for dinner after work because I knew he would probably be pretty tired and not really feel like cooking. Well, tonight especially, whenever I do that, I feel like he eats, then wants to watch basketball. Or TV. Or pay attention to anything else but me. I'm not trying to be a high maintenance bitch of a girlfriend, but I am kind of high maintenance in the fact that I require a lot of attention ... I like to be reassured that he likes me as much as I like him. And lately, he hasn't been doing so hot on that aspect. He'll come over, I'll spend a good half hour to an hour making food while he watches TV, we'll eat, he'll watch more TV while I clean up and he tries to tell me to just leave the mess. Then, he'll usually watch the Pistons play and while I sit there rubbing his neck or shoulders or something, he just kind of sits like a rock on the couch. Rarely do I ever get feedback, or even a handhold in response. No big deal ... I guess I was just spoiled with Mike because he showered me with attention ... ok, more like suffocated me with it. I really shouldn't compare the two. But so by the end of his game, we will have said about two or less words to each other and then he will stand up and say something along the lines of "Well, I think I'm gonna head home now". By this point, I'm kind of ticked off, so I walk him to the door and say goodnight, quick kiss and he's off. Blah, I'm getting a little forclempt.
On the bright side, I found a turtle the other day in front of my apartment building. It's about the size of a quarter and it was on it's back, so I decided to rescue it and keep it as a pet. I call him Sheldon, but Jess and Amanda like Harold and Brian likes Petey. He's sooo cute ... one of his little eyes doesn't open, and he can only walk and swim in circles. I took him to the pet store the other day to see what I could feed him to keep him healthy, and they suggested turtle pellets. So far, he hasn't eaten any, so I'm a little worried. I think I've made a pretty nice home for him so far though ... I filled one of Amanda's fish tanks with water and rocks, stuck a big resting rock in there, Brian put in a bunch of plants and a chunk of sod from outside and Amanda contributed one of her desk lamps as a heat lamp. He seems to be doing ok, despite the fact that I don't think he eats.
Anyway, that's enough for one post.
Oh, and the reason I haven't updated in a while?
Call Noment's 1-800 number, tell them your name is Katie Zacharias and sit there on hold for 15 minutes to find out.
Please, that's such a load of bullshit.
Anyway, sorry to those of you that enjoy my more humourous posts ... I'm just not in the mood tonight. Too much on my mind. I got to talk to Dave for a little bit today, which was nice since I haven't had the chance in a while. And it was soooo nice outside today. For the most part, my day was enjoyable (see? I can still pick out the good things in my life) ... I just don't feel like I'm enjoying the things that I SHOULD be. Part of me wishes I HAD gone back home this summer. So far, I have yet to find a steady, good paying job so I can pay for fall tuition, which is steadily creeping closer to being due. And I really miss hanging out outside with my family ... playing catch and beach volleyball with my little sisters, taking my godsister to Dairy Queen, babysitting for the Senn's inbetween waitressing shifts, going fishing and canoeing with my dad, going for walks with my mom, seeing my friends that have come home for the summer. I really kind of miss all that. And yeah, it's nice being here, but at the same time, I don't feel like I should be here simply because my friends are (besides the whole summer classes thing).
I'm just so fucking frustrated right now and I feel like there is no one out there willing to really just LISTEN and try to UNDERSTAND. I don't want an explanation as to why I'm upset, I don't need sympathy or empathy, I don't need someone to sit there and tell me what I need to do to make things better ... it would just be nice to have someone ask me how things were going in my life and REALLY TRULY want to know without being prompted because of my attitude. I mean, yeah, if I get quiet and reserved, of course people ask me what's going on then because it creates an uncomfortable silence when I fail to hold up my end of a conversation. But rarely does someone sit down next to me and ask me "So, how have you been?" without wanting to hear a one- or two-word answer. And I'm not dumb. I can tell when I'm boring someone. So sometimes I feel like it's just better to keep my mouth shut about things. Yes, I know I have friends that SAY they will always be there for me, to listen when I need someone, but when push comes to shove, nobody wants to listen to someone bitch about their life. At least no one wants to do that for me. I of course do it for other people. I know I'm not perfect ... I'm nowhere close, but I really do feel like I try to make an effort to know what's going on in my friend's lives and to know how they're feeling. If not, it's most likely because I'm preoccuppied with something else, but even so, I feel like I drop things to be there for others.
Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I have some degree of social anxiety or inferiority complex. I feel like I have to work myself up to "get in the mood" to be around large groups of people. And I never feel like I'm interesting enough for people to hold a conversation with. I usually feel like people just talk to me when they have no one else to talk with.
Since when did I become so ultimately depressing? I mean, sure, I wasn't always the happiest kid on the playground, but I've never been this down on myself. Not since middle school at least. It's so frustrating to feel like I'm making this extra effort to be a good friend and nice to other people and to feel like no one consider's me as one. In fact, several of my friends most likely consider me rude and inconsiderate. I know I've done some things to upset them in the past and I am sorry for that, but not everyone is perfect. I think the deepest regret I have about my life is that I've spent so much time and effort on relationships that just fizzled out when I should have put more of that into the friendships that have lasted. But I guess that is the true test of friendship, isn't it? The real ones last unconditionally.
The whole relationship thing is starting to bother me too. I always feel like I have a million and one questions or comments I want to say to Brian, but I don't want to sound rude, or I think it would be better if I don't make a big deal about a certain thing. I hate to say it, but I wish he would reassure me and do sweet things for me half as much as Mike did. I miss that about him. I don't like to say so, but I do. Don't get me wrong, Brian does nice things for me occassionally, but it's getting to the point to where I'm starting to feel used. I usually end up making him dinner ... and he just got a new job, so for the past two nights, I've invited him over for dinner after work because I knew he would probably be pretty tired and not really feel like cooking. Well, tonight especially, whenever I do that, I feel like he eats, then wants to watch basketball. Or TV. Or pay attention to anything else but me. I'm not trying to be a high maintenance bitch of a girlfriend, but I am kind of high maintenance in the fact that I require a lot of attention ... I like to be reassured that he likes me as much as I like him. And lately, he hasn't been doing so hot on that aspect. He'll come over, I'll spend a good half hour to an hour making food while he watches TV, we'll eat, he'll watch more TV while I clean up and he tries to tell me to just leave the mess. Then, he'll usually watch the Pistons play and while I sit there rubbing his neck or shoulders or something, he just kind of sits like a rock on the couch. Rarely do I ever get feedback, or even a handhold in response. No big deal ... I guess I was just spoiled with Mike because he showered me with attention ... ok, more like suffocated me with it. I really shouldn't compare the two. But so by the end of his game, we will have said about two or less words to each other and then he will stand up and say something along the lines of "Well, I think I'm gonna head home now". By this point, I'm kind of ticked off, so I walk him to the door and say goodnight, quick kiss and he's off. Blah, I'm getting a little forclempt.
On the bright side, I found a turtle the other day in front of my apartment building. It's about the size of a quarter and it was on it's back, so I decided to rescue it and keep it as a pet. I call him Sheldon, but Jess and Amanda like Harold and Brian likes Petey. He's sooo cute ... one of his little eyes doesn't open, and he can only walk and swim in circles. I took him to the pet store the other day to see what I could feed him to keep him healthy, and they suggested turtle pellets. So far, he hasn't eaten any, so I'm a little worried. I think I've made a pretty nice home for him so far though ... I filled one of Amanda's fish tanks with water and rocks, stuck a big resting rock in there, Brian put in a bunch of plants and a chunk of sod from outside and Amanda contributed one of her desk lamps as a heat lamp. He seems to be doing ok, despite the fact that I don't think he eats.
Anyway, that's enough for one post.
Oh, and the reason I haven't updated in a while?
Call Noment's 1-800 number, tell them your name is Katie Zacharias and sit there on hold for 15 minutes to find out.