All the News that's Fit to Broadcast
Who: Tanya, Dave (comments welcome from anyone watching the news at home)
Where: Channel 13 studios
When: January 5th, 1999 - evening news
"And now, for a special report," Tanya said, smiling from her news desk as the screen behind her flashed scenes of deplorable violence. "Gangs - is Sunnydale safe?"
The scene settled on the ruins of a building with a scorched sign that read 'Wolfram and Hart'. "On Christmas day, the lawyers of Wolfram and Hart got the worst present ever - a bomb that blew apart their Sunnydale office. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the explosion as the law firm was closed for the holiday. But what sort of depraved person would do such a thing?"
The scene flashed again to Sid's diner, where bullet holes were clearly visible in the side of the structure, along with yellow 'police emergency- do not cross' tape. "This peaceful dinner, popular among the youth, was the scene of a drive by shooting over the holidays. This incident nearly took the life of local resident Valentine Varner- I loved him in All Our Tomorrows, didn't you?"
The news switched to a pre-recorded interview with Valentine.
"Mr. Varner- can you tell us a bit about the incident?"
"Well, I was just having a sandwich with some friends - and my personal assistant, Daniel..." Valentine said, indicating the guy who sat next to him with an arm cast. "Suddenly we heard gunshots and hit the floor. One of my friends was shot up enough to have to go to the hospital even...it was pretty scary."
"Is that how he got the cast?" the reporter asked.
"No... he got that in an incident with a bear..."
"A bear," Tanya said, as the camera went back to her. "We spoke to Sergeant Roarke at Sunnydale PD about these incidents, and he had this to say..."
"Oh yeah, we got a gang problem alright. They've been running out of control - drinking and fighting and shooting and blowing things up all over town. They have strange initiation ritutuals - hell, they've even blown themselves up on occasion - we had one explode right at the diner. Separate incident from the shooting. They're all hyped up on PCP, LSD or whatever it is kids do these days."
"What about the bear?" the reporter asked.
"Oh yeah, they got bears too. That's part of their whole MO. Stolen from the zoo no doubt."
The scene switched back to Tanya, and a list behind her of 'warning signs' "Sunnydale PD has thoughtfully provided this list of warning signs so that you can tell if your children, grandchildren, or neighbor's children are involved in a gang. The most vulnerable age is from 14 to about 22. They urge you to report any suspicious individuals by calling them at 555-COPS ."
The warning signs read:
1. Young person is moody and withdrawn.
2. Young person speaks strangely (what up, my dawgs? I'm gonna chill with my peeps.)
3. Young person tattoos or pierces self.
4. Young person takes a particular interest in bears.
5. Young person has a large and unsavory group of friends.
6. Young person 'hangs around' without doing anything constructive.
7. Young person watches violent television, or plays violent video games.
8. Young person goes out at night without telling parents where they are going.
9. Young person's grades in school are poor or slipping.
10. Young person shows no interest in family, school, or church activities.
When the news was over, Tanya shook her head and looked to Dave. "Bears? Christ on a pony, what will they think of next?"
Where: Channel 13 studios
When: January 5th, 1999 - evening news
"And now, for a special report," Tanya said, smiling from her news desk as the screen behind her flashed scenes of deplorable violence. "Gangs - is Sunnydale safe?"
The scene settled on the ruins of a building with a scorched sign that read 'Wolfram and Hart'. "On Christmas day, the lawyers of Wolfram and Hart got the worst present ever - a bomb that blew apart their Sunnydale office. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the explosion as the law firm was closed for the holiday. But what sort of depraved person would do such a thing?"
The scene flashed again to Sid's diner, where bullet holes were clearly visible in the side of the structure, along with yellow 'police emergency- do not cross' tape. "This peaceful dinner, popular among the youth, was the scene of a drive by shooting over the holidays. This incident nearly took the life of local resident Valentine Varner- I loved him in All Our Tomorrows, didn't you?"
The news switched to a pre-recorded interview with Valentine.
"Mr. Varner- can you tell us a bit about the incident?"
"Well, I was just having a sandwich with some friends - and my personal assistant, Daniel..." Valentine said, indicating the guy who sat next to him with an arm cast. "Suddenly we heard gunshots and hit the floor. One of my friends was shot up enough to have to go to the hospital even...it was pretty scary."
"Is that how he got the cast?" the reporter asked.
"No... he got that in an incident with a bear..."
"A bear," Tanya said, as the camera went back to her. "We spoke to Sergeant Roarke at Sunnydale PD about these incidents, and he had this to say..."
"Oh yeah, we got a gang problem alright. They've been running out of control - drinking and fighting and shooting and blowing things up all over town. They have strange initiation ritutuals - hell, they've even blown themselves up on occasion - we had one explode right at the diner. Separate incident from the shooting. They're all hyped up on PCP, LSD or whatever it is kids do these days."
"What about the bear?" the reporter asked.
"Oh yeah, they got bears too. That's part of their whole MO. Stolen from the zoo no doubt."
The scene switched back to Tanya, and a list behind her of 'warning signs' "Sunnydale PD has thoughtfully provided this list of warning signs so that you can tell if your children, grandchildren, or neighbor's children are involved in a gang. The most vulnerable age is from 14 to about 22. They urge you to report any suspicious individuals by calling them at 555-COPS ."
The warning signs read:
1. Young person is moody and withdrawn.
2. Young person speaks strangely (what up, my dawgs? I'm gonna chill with my peeps.)
3. Young person tattoos or pierces self.
4. Young person takes a particular interest in bears.
5. Young person has a large and unsavory group of friends.
6. Young person 'hangs around' without doing anything constructive.
7. Young person watches violent television, or plays violent video games.
8. Young person goes out at night without telling parents where they are going.
9. Young person's grades in school are poor or slipping.
10. Young person shows no interest in family, school, or church activities.
When the news was over, Tanya shook her head and looked to Dave. "Bears? Christ on a pony, what will they think of next?"