(no subject)

[sunnybaybie16]

I know what you're probably thinking. What am I doing reading Alicia Adams's livejournal? It's been forever. And most of my thoughts occurred to me tonight. I saw a movie that inspired me and left me in tears wondering why I ever thought of wanting to die. And over a boy at that matter! I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and saw this person I barely knew anymore. Her hair was a mess, no make-up, glasses, sweatpants and a hoodie on. And for one time in about the past few months, I didn’t care. Yes, I was a mess on the outside, but on the inside I was this person just waiting to burst out. I bet you a million dollars that if anyone at school had seen me looking like I was this morning, they would have laughed and I would be the talk of the day. “Oh, did you see how big Alicia’s butt looks in those sweats today!? And her hair! Could she at least brush it once in awhile?” Just a few of the things I imagine going on around my gossipy middle school. Maybe we should all go to school looking like what we do when we first wake up. That would teach a few people what really counts. No one having time to put that mascara on, or straightening their long hair. Picking out that perfect outfit for your boyfriend or girlfriend to see that day wouldn’t be the first priority maybe. Even if you did look like Barbie, would you really be happy? All Barbie does is smile. I’ve never seen her with a frown on her face or a tear running down that plastic cheek of hers. It’s a fake, just like the rest of her. A fake. That’s what I see in most people. Maybe the guy I love doesn’t have the cutest face out there, and maybe he doesn’t have enough money to buy the Hollister and Abercrombie styles. So what?! Or, maybe he gets shy around big crowds of people. Especially when those people happen to be the best friends of the girl he’s madly in love with, the ones that know everything he’s done to hurt her. Maybe, he’s scared. Scared of what they’ll think. He’s told me so many times that he didn’t care what others thought of him. EVER! Then that one moment, I saw him frightened with what they would say. He knows everything they tell me. “Break up with him! You can do so much better than that worthless piece of trash.” I guess I want trash if you’re going to put it that way. He may not be perfect, but it’s what I want, and shouldn’t that matter? If your friend is happy, why make her miserable all over again? So what about the future! You can’t change the past, and you certainly can’t change the future. That’s because it hasn’t happened yet. But I’ll tell you one thing you can do…prepare yourself for the future. Learn that doing things will have consequences. Obviously, I made a decision that has changed my whole life, and it hasn’t even been a month after it happened .At first, I was fine, but then I did the right thing and told my parents. They have a right to know just as much as your best friends. They were the ones who raised you and gave up everything for you. They freaked, I freaked, it was all a big happy family. And now I’m here, realizing that what I did was wrong, but I can’t mope around wishing I could change it all. I can’t do that! Let me see if you can answer this…I can’t change it because its in the past! The only thing I can change is how I’m going to react about my consequences. So, this morning I saw myself in the mirror, and saw this girl…she was confused about her life. I just now saw my reflection and saw a whole other world. My report card came in the mail. A, C-, B, A, B-, and a B. C-! That’s not the Alicia I knows’ report card! That’s some sicko freak trying to take over her. And why? Because she doesn’t feel good enough for the world. Not good enough for herself. Maybe one of the reasons why I haven’t been feeling good is because I’m trying to act like all of them. Everyone else in the world. I always think of how much better I could be, and then ruin everything I had, because I end up a reckless freak crying my eyes out. Then making a list of all the things I DON’T want to do anymore. Instead of the things I wanted to improve in the first place. I came to school today almost the same way I looked when I woke up. Except, lose the glasses and sweatpants. My hair was all messy and up and no make up at all. I looked at my best friend Brooke and said “Look how ugly I look today.” And you know what she said? “Actually, you look really good today!” What!?! She saw the little things in me today that didn’t matter. I was depressed at the moment too because I was thinking about Travis. And she goes and says I look good! That right there brought up all my spirits and got me through the day.

Anyways, all I’m trying to say is that I woke up this morning as Alicia, and now I’m going to bed as Alicia, but not the Alicia everyone knew today. Get it? Yea, I bet you don’t. Think about it for me. It couldn’t hurt to sit down just for a minute and think about all the good things that happened to you today, instead of laying in bed tonight wondering why all the bad happened. I once heard this on a TV show and it was “…and in my dream, all the good pictures moved on through the slideshow, then all the bad ones turned to dust…” They’re not worth stressing over because in the end, you’ll be smiling for happiness, not sadness. You can’t smile for bad, but you can cry for good. Make sure next time you’re crying, its something good and not something wasting your tears.

Let’s hope I can keep to my own word.