Reflections
It's really surreal and bizarre to find your ex-fiance on MySpace and realize that he didn't just stop functioning because you walked away from the relationship. Part of me is happy that he's moved on and seems to be happy. Part of me is disappointed that he isn't still devastated. (That's so ridiculously awful of me to say, I know, but I can't help thinking it...) The thing is, I loved him. I really loved him. Fuck, I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But too much happened before we could get to that point.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change it all... I could decide not to be overwhelmingly upset about a sequence of events that eventually led to me sleeping with someone else and ending things with him. I'd probably be married by now, or at least close to the wedding. But then I think about all the lies, and the deception, and the ridiculous number of nights I spent crying myself to sleep over something he said or did. Deep down I know that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I spent 18 months with that particular guy because it was what needed to happen at that point in my life. But that really doesn't make it hurt any less when I really think about it.
Which is why I need to not think about it. I need to keep my head up and keep moving forward with my life. Let the past be the past, and concentrate on what's happening right now. I'm learning how to trust again, how to just go with the random giddiness of complete infatuation. I owe it to myself (and to Jon) to let this thing happen between us without getting scared and bolting.
Breathe, Amber. Just breathe.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change it all... I could decide not to be overwhelmingly upset about a sequence of events that eventually led to me sleeping with someone else and ending things with him. I'd probably be married by now, or at least close to the wedding. But then I think about all the lies, and the deception, and the ridiculous number of nights I spent crying myself to sleep over something he said or did. Deep down I know that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I spent 18 months with that particular guy because it was what needed to happen at that point in my life. But that really doesn't make it hurt any less when I really think about it.
Which is why I need to not think about it. I need to keep my head up and keep moving forward with my life. Let the past be the past, and concentrate on what's happening right now. I'm learning how to trust again, how to just go with the random giddiness of complete infatuation. I owe it to myself (and to Jon) to let this thing happen between us without getting scared and bolting.
Breathe, Amber. Just breathe.