(Untitled)

[mk_warren_hpy]

There comes a time in every man's life (a time when, for example, Tucker is getting some to the third degree) when a guy has to re-evaluate his game plan. Yeah, maybe I should get out more. But out is so...mind numbingly dull, and this is an opinion I have never been able to disguise. I don't think it's necessary honestly. People deserve to

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[bitter_brother]

"Dumping who? Amy?" I asked, looking away from the ceiling that I was gainlessly staring at just in time to see Warren Boy Wonder abandon his post at his girlfriend, the computer. "No. Why would I? It doesn't seem to be getting in the way of anything."

I pulled myself up into an upright position and thought for a second, "Why do you ask?"

[mk_warren_hpy]

"That's just what it sounded like to me," I said. "And I quote: 'Doesn't leave a lot of room for a serious girlfriend. Or even a not-serious girlfriend.'"

Not to toot my own horn, but my Tucker impression had become fairly accurate. It wasn't like it was hard. Tucker is comprised of varying degrees of sarcasm and lameness.

And why did he think I asked?

"Caught my interest. Sue me. You're the one who's going to be a lawyer now."

The thought of Tucker in a little monkey suit with a little brief case amused me.

[bitter_brother]

"Oh, yeah. That. I guess I did say that," I shrugged. "Whatever. I *meant* that it doesn't seem to be interfering yet. I'll have to see how it goes, I guess. I was just thinking outloud."

I wrinkled my nose at the idea of being a lawyer. I didn't want to be a lawyer. Lawyers were douche bags, by definition.

"I'm not going to be a lawyer, either. Just work for one. It's this kind of... research facility thing. Involving stuff that you aren't into. You'd probably hate it," I added. He had a kind of funny look on his face, like he was keeping a secret. Like he'd just done or seen something really cool and didn't want me to ask about it. So, of course, I asked, "What were you just working on?"

[mk_warren_hpy]

Thinking out loud? I gave a big mental 'Whatever' to that. It's not the kind of thing you say without meaning it. Or subconsciously meaning it. Something. I'm not a psychology major or anything. I put a couple chips on the Amy: And This Is Her Ass Out the door square and let them ride.

But, oh, Tucker. He really should have known better. I gave him my patented so-sorry-about-you-face.

"It's this kind of...thing. Involving stuff that you aren't into. You'd probably hate it."

And victory, she was mine, that saucy spunky little sex-bomb. It was like she was sitting in my lap, running her fingers through my hair. Aw yeah.

[bitter_brother]

I rolled my eyes at Warren's 'Yay for me' face and grumbled, "You're right. I'd probably hate it."

Beat.

"No really. What were you working on? You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."

[mk_warren_hpy]

Well, I'd say, since you put it like that, my dearest chum: I'm perfecting the programming that will, once combined with the robotics that, as you know, are my thing, enable me to construct myself a female companion, undetectable as robotic. She will be someone who understands me; with whom I can share my innermost thoughts without fear of judgment or persecution. We shall make our way down the primrose path of life, hand in hand supporting and caring about one another. And sunshine. And little puppy dogs. And babies!

No. I don't think so.

"I'm building a chick. And I'm keeping the parts in my closet," I said, as sarcastically as I could. "Dude. I was just programming some stuff. You know me."

It was only after the words had left my mouth that I thought about them. He probably did. Know me, that is.

Damn it. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

[bitter_brother]

I was halfway to the closet before he got through what may or may not be a joke. Warren had a fucked up sense of humor... but in his comedy life? His timing was way off. If he didn't want me to believe him, he wouldn't have been so caustic.

I had my hand on the doorknob when he lunged after me.

"Too slow!" I yelled, laughing and fighting him off.

[mk_warren_hpy]

What was that saying? Pride comes before a fall? This is what I got for slipping up and having facial expressions. I had to be pleased with myself, didn't I; felt the need to brag, because I realized that was what I had done in my own roundabout way.

I made an ineffective lunge for Tucker that almost upset the perpetual pile of crap important work on my desk.

"Respect...my personal...space, ass," I grunted, trying to grab hold of at least one of his arms.

[bitter_brother]

I wrenched open his closet door, hoping for Terminator. Instead, I got Mr. Mom: three shirts on hangers, a pile of clothes and shoes and duffle bags that was knee-height and a milk crate or four of loose computer parts on the upper shelf.

I threw his arm off where he'd grabbed my elbow and sighed with disappointment, "Damn. I guess you're still in the programming and development stages, then. Oh well. I was hoping to get a sneak preview of your perfect girl."

"Dude," I laughed, shutting the door and turning to him. "You aren't really, are you? That is so Weird Science of you."

[mk_warren_hpy]

I leaned back against the wall casually, arms folded across my chest. Nothing to see here. Move along.

"Of course not. Got you. You should have seen your face," I told him.

I inched my way in front of the now safely closed door until I could press all of my weight against it and stop the pounding in my ears. It's a flaw in the design of humanity: no one's pulse needs to be that loud.

"What have I told you about comparing me to the works of John Hughes?"

[bitter_brother]

I nodded skeptically at Warren, "Okay, okay. I didn't believe you could build something that complex, anyway. The AI programming alone would stump you. You might as well just buy a Real Doll."

Beaten but unbowed, I went back to my half of our space and started looking for a clean pair of socks and some sneakers. I told Amy I'd meet her at the cafeteria for dinner.

"Sorry about invading your quote 'personal space' ...but if you're worried about me finding your blankie, you should get over yourself. You suck your thumb when you sleep, man. Amy stayed over the other night and we both totally saw you do it," I nodded earnestly, lying through my teeth. Which was a stupid expression, by the way. What else would I lie through? "It was really sad."

[mk_warren_hpy]

That part where I said Tucker knew me? I take it back. There's no way I sucked my thumb. Years of pre-adolescent and adolescent dental work would have left me with four fingers and a stump. I, of all people, am sure that there are five fingers on my hand.

I snorted at him.

"Thanks so much for that vote of confidence. Where'd the love go?"

It was going to feel so good to prove him wrong. Of course, if I did it right, he'd have no idea I did it at all.

I am Keyser Soze.

"Like I've got $6499.00 to spend on something that's basically an unconcious-...where are you going now?"

[bitter_brother]

I finished lacing up my Cons and stood up, "Meeting Amy at the cafeteria. I heard it's Barbequed Beef on a Bun night. And oooh, maybe Tater Tots."

"So I'll see you again in fours days this time?" Warren said, shoving his own shoes on and apparently inviting himself along.

"What. You're coming? I told you, I'm meeting Amy."

"So? Cafeteria's big enough for a three-top."

He was going to come with me whether I wanted him to or not. Sometimes, he was just like Andrew. Except, Andrew knew when to do what he was told and Warren did not.

"Whatever," I shrugged. "Just... I know you wouldn't sabotage me in my first semi-girlfriend-type scenario-deal. War's all good and fine, but don't involve her, all right? Amy's awesome, but she'd be bummed if she knew I told you anything. So... nothing. I trust -- BEG YOU -- to say nothing."

Looking at Warren as he stood up to go, I added flatly, "I'm being serious."

[mk_warren_hpy]

I stared back at him. My own sneakers never needed to be tied; I never bothered to untie them when I took them off. Boots, sure, but boots are different: like boys and girls.

"I'm wounded. Or flattered. I'm not sure which."

Boys and girls. Why did girls have to have that thing they had about sex? They just made things uncomfortable for everyone else.

"You had me at Tater Tots," I lied.