Where do I go from here?
I've officially had it with LA. After a weekend of contemplation and more isolation, I've decided it's time to get the ol' thinkin' cap on, start reassessing what's important to me and where I need to be in order to achieve a peaceful life.
No, you're right. LA isn't totally to blame. Let's face it, I knew this place was going to be sucky because of all the image driven, self-centered bullshit that permeates every fiber of anything interesting in this town. So I can't be completely mad at this place for sucking ass. But it does. Suck ass, that is.
San Jose sucked bigger, hairier ass in a lot of ways, but one way in which it did not suck, was that there were good people there. Friends mean something to one another. Even when we aren't getting along, we all still care about one another, and rally when someone needs us. Some of my fondest memories of my last days there, are of sitting at St. John's, after work, drinking beer and talking about shit I could barely understand with some of the most easily likeable people imaginable. Even when times were the worst between members of the Disney Gang, at the heart of it, there was still love for one another. Even at our worst, I believe we could ultimately count on one another if it really came down to it. My experience in LA has turned out quite differently.
I recently wrote a blog on MySpace, which I will eventually get around to reposting here, apologizing to my friends for taxing them with my loneliness, because when I broke down and told them, most of them scattered to the four winds.
What the FUCK?!
No way. No way did I need to do that. I would never, ever, ever make my friend feel bad for feeling lonely and I will never again apologize for telling someone who claims to care about me that I am. At this stage of the game in life, I cannot fathom someone I care about reaching out to me, tonly o have me tell them their needing me is bringing me down. There is no reason... NO EARTHLY REASON, why I should feel bad for asking my friends to spend time with me. For chrissakes, I shouldn't have to ask, should I? Well in LA, you do.
I give my friends credit for being better than the fair-weather variety and in all honesty I believe there is something about this place that breeds that kind of apathy. It’s not as though I was demanding hours of their time. More often than not, I just wanted to have coffee or go to a movie or something. In fact, I was told some didn't have time, and was accepting of that because God only knows, we're all stretched to our limits (no bullshit, we are). Of course, later I was chastized for showing any signs of disappointment in not being able to see them (not a guilt trip, mind you, just a simple tone in my voice). There is this overwhelming feeling of "RUN AWAY" when I ask for their company... their help.
Now, I'm not going to tell you that anyone who refused to spend time with me is a shitty person. I won't even go so far as to say they're not a true friend. Everyone has their limits, their boundaries. But by and large, what I've found in LA, is that most people only want to spend time around you when you're up, and don't like to tell you what their boundaries are. You have to find out the hard way, by humiliating yourself in front of them. In fact, I remember my friend Alex (from back "home") telling me, right up front, where her boundaries were, and I was glad to have them. Then I was also pleasantly surprised when she stepped past them and got comfortable with me. For many years, my best friend had boundaries that pinched me regularly (brought on by her own horrid experiences), but at least she was honest with me about them. And though they often meant her not being there when I needed her, at the very least I was able to understand why she couldn't be.
Everyone here is so desperately trying to protect themselves from getting too close to another human being, unless they're having sex with that person. Even then, I'm not sure that changes.
Maybe they have reason to fear closeness with me. In the negative... (lately) my needing comfort, companionship, advice could easily be looked upon as too high of maintenance. To some that can come off as being whiny and self-centered. But it's hardly the most grueling work imaginable to have a cup of coffee with someone who just wants a little company. I mean, sometimes it's nice just to sit with someone and have them tell me about what's going on in their life. It takes me out of my own head and helps me to refocus on something I care about... my friend. Anyone who thinks that's bullshit doesn't know me, has no idea what I'm about, and belongs in the "dear God, don't get close to me" category.
I guess it's hard to say there's a positive category, if people are fearing closeness with me, because in that case everything I do could be considered threatening. If such attributes were considered positive what would they find? A dedicated friend. Someone they could rely on. I'm the kind of person who you can call in the middle of the night when your car breaks down and I will come rescue you (even if I'm mad at you at the time). I'm the kind of person you can call day or night when your heart is aching or you're just lonely and you need someone to care for you and to talk with you (even if I'm exhausted or busy). I'm the kind of person that will be honest with you and tell you when something you've done upsets me (instead of harboring nasty, festering resentment) in hopes of it having been a mistake that my feelings were hurt in the first place or circumventing it happening again. I'm the kind of person who doesn't care about money (when I have it) when it comes to getting to spend time with her friends, because their company is far more valuable. I'm the kind of friend who, when I say I love you, I mean that my heart literally throbs with love to think of you. I'm the kind of friend that spends a lot of time telling her other friends how much I love you and how amazing you are. And I am painfully aware that all of that is scary shit to some people, because it comes with a price that not many feel they are capable of paying... the possible need of reciprocation. Not that I ask all of that from my friends. Once in a blue moon, I might. Not everyone is comfortable with that level of intimacy with a friend and I honestly do get that. Of course, not everyone wants to be called in the middle of the night in an emergency, etc, etc.
There certainly has been a time or two when I felt like maybe I was being pressed too hard by a friend in need. But at the very least, I was good enough to tell them, "I am so sorry that you feel this way. But I'm just not in a place where I can help you right now." The only time I've ever used that is when I was practically having a nervous breakdown and I've had to learn the hard way, to be extremely selective about when I shun someone's needs. I take that precaution with deadly seriousness. After all, how many times have you heard the statistic that people say they had no idea how depressed someone was that committed suicide?
The fall after I turned 30, I used that excuse to shirk off helping a friend. While it's true that I was not in a place to be able to help, in retrospect, it wasn't so big that I couldn't have pulled my head out of my ass long enough to lend him an ear for a little while.
Three days after I told someone that I couldn't be there for them, that friend's father called me (I was the phone number most frequently used on his phone bill so his dad assumed we were dating) and alerted me that my friend had been missing. A week later, I got a call from the same father telling me that the day after I told him I couldn't be bothered, my friend had gone on a gambling binge in Reno, and was arrested for vagrancy for sleeping in the back of his truck. He had written over $3000 in bad checks, was tossed out of a few casinos for being drunk and disorderly and was talking about killing himself. This person was, when he wasn't suffering from a manic-depressive episode (which was diagnosed after this event), the sweetest, most gentle, loving young man I've ever known. Talented animator. Generous and funny. And because I couldn't carve out some time from my busy schedule of miring in my own misery, we almost lost him. Eventually, I did lose his friendship, because I failed him and there was always that knowledge between us. He had every right, EVERY RIGHT to have expected a little more from me. But did I learn? Nope.
Not long after the gambling spree episode, my friend Rod went off the deep end. Rod, whom I spent many years of my life being friends with and laughing with and arguing with and loving had been a manic depressive since he was eight years old, when his mother committed suicide. His condition worsened a bit when he was wrongfully imprisoned for a rape he did not commit (and took a large chunk of his father's fortune to get him back out - which he was never allowed to forget). Even so, when he was faithful to his medication, Rod was a FUCKING BLAST to be around and a true friend. When he wasn't faithful to his medication, he was scary as hell. And because he'd scared me so badly, I turned my back on him. He tried to reach out to me time and again after that, and even though I was deeply ashamed of myself, I couldn't stop being afraid of him. I never responded. And it was three years ago this past May, that Rod was found dead in a hotel room in LA. He had OD'd on his medication.
So, maybe people need to lose more in order to value the lives of the people they surround themselves with. Maybe, that's too much to ask. And if it is, no wonder I often feel such despair. It seems like most people would rather mourn a loss, than do something to prevent it. And as you can see, I've been there myself.
Could I have done anything to stop Rod's life from ending? Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe all it would have taken for him to not feel alone and lost for a little while. Maybe all it would have taken was a cup of coffee, a chat and a hug to remind him that people cared about him. Maybe he was already so far gone there was nothing I could do. But to have done nothing? That's a failure I get to live with for the rest of my life.
The isolation of LA has made me feel cold and empty more than in any other time of my life, so i can certainly understand his getting here and feeling even worse than the life he thought he was leaving behind. But I'm smart enough to know there's more out there to be experienced than just sneering fashionistas on Santa Monica Boulevard and giddy glee of Disneyland and that my "HOME" may be waiting for me, out there. Ending it all would mean I might miss some joy that awaits me elsewhere.
Is this what human kind has come to? Is a TV show or a night of Internet fun or a trip to the grocery store more important than someone who has reached out to us? Maybe some feel that's so, when our lives are "spread thin, like butter scraped over too much bread."
I cannot allow myself to believe I am alone in how I wish to conduct relationships. I can't be. My best friend and I are like this, so I've got at least one person on board. My friend Kari gets a bit distracted, but for the most part, she's in there too.
Somewhere, out there... there's a place for me. Where people care about one another, and show it. The hunt is on. I have a new dream... to find a home.