On a personal side...
Okay, first thing: I switched the commenting-thing off for this entry so do not read if you expect to comment on something. This is a very personal Read-Only-Entry in which I'm trying to get some things staight that totally went wrong the last 3 weeks. It also adresses a friend of mine who doesn't have an LJ-Account so this one here isn't locked - though it's very personal. Because of this I don't want any comments. First, I don't want my LJ-friends to take any stand in this matter and second I don't want any stranger who might happen to stumble over this entry to comment. It's hard enough for me to write this down. Thank you for your understanding. *hugs*
Three weeks ago I had a - admittedly needless - fight with two of my closest online friends. Perhaps we talked at cross purposes, perhaps we all were stressed already, perhaps this fight just had to come up one day or the other. Perhaps I said something wrong in their eyes that gave them the right to attack me the way they did. And perhaps I overreacted. But please understand: Too many people screwed with my feelings the past few weeks, months and years - including my former best friend. I already became very wary when it comes to my friendships. I don't trust that easily anymore.
But I am a faithful and honest person and I never lie for this is a sin in my eyes. I never lie to my friends in particular. I know that lies can hurt people and I don't want to hurt.
But these two friends accused me of lying in my eyes. I've talked to one of them about that matter a day before the fight and I told her that I'm not angry, mad or anything at them. I honestly don't care how they spent their free time. We are all grown-ups, for Heaven's Sake! Yet, they did not believe me and used a wisecrack of me (in my eyes at least - perhaps they felt offended by it) against me. I was terribly confused, hurt and sad by that and I weren't able to take it anymore.
So I left without a word, withdrew and didn't talk to them again.
This was three weeks ago.
Around the same time a very dear friend of mine - an old lady I used to visit regulary - died and I didn't had the the possibility to see her one last time...just because I thought university was more important and that the visit could wait another week or two. It couldn't.
I'm still blaming myself because of that and I withdrew even more. Right now I'm feeling like a snail that hides in its casing and I totally don't like that feeling.
I was hurt, I was sad and I was stressed because of the new chapter in my life that just started. I was and still am hypersensitive and fussy. And perhaps I overreacted when one of these two friends contacted me to ask me if I "think it would be possible for me to leave her RPG-Board" I used to participate in "out of our dispute". It sounded wrong and overweening in my ears, yes, and I asked her to talk to me normally. I also told her that I was hurt because of the things she and my other friend said and I told her that I don't like the idea of not talking to each other but still posting in her board regulary. I told her that I felt unimportant to her - that, as long as I'll just keep posting, everything would be just fine. I hurted you? So what! You mind posting nonetheless?
Perhaps it was too much and perhaps I didn't recognize it as a try from her side to talk to me and to make peace again. If I happened to hurt her, I am sorry and I'm not too proud to admit that in public. I am posting in her Board again as a sign that I'm willing to save this friendship.
But I just cannot contact her or my other friend. I want an apologize. I'm sorry, but I'm stubborn in this matter. I want to hear that they are sorry for the way they talked to me. I want to hear why they thought they could treat me like shit. I want to know that I am not the only one looking at my online-list on ICQ, seeing them there and feeling the pain of being ignored by them. I want them to understand what went wrong.
I want them to make the fist step.
And please, don't get me wrong. I don't want them on their knees begging for pardon. I just want to hear that they are sorry, that they still love and miss me and that's it. I'm willing to talk about it normally.
If this is too much I ask for - well, perhaps I shouldn't have friends then.
All my love,
Anni