I wonder
A prayer:
God, where am I? Am I dating Stacy, or am I not dating Stacy? Am I honest or am I a liar? What am I doing? What should I be doing? What is going on in this head of mine? Have I sinned and come to this kind of grief by wronging you? Are you building a wonderful thing here? Who am I? And what happened to my dreams? I feel so depressed. Walt says that depression is a form of self-centeredness, esp. if there is nothing good to get depressed about. Realizing that makes me feel like I can stand some more, on something :) but what is going on here that makes this keep coming back so much? I'm cyclical, and I'm getting tired of it. Something has got to budge.
I love you, and you seem to keep wanting me to go back to that. Or rather how much you love me. I had time this morning to realize that, but I ended up getting so much more angry about it when you wanted me to listen to you. Which probably explains why this day has been going so rotten for me, lol. You say, "Spend time with me!" and I say, "Hell no!" and then I wonder why I'm feeling pissy. LOL. I'm a moron. I'm also really missing you, and I'm trying so hard to not be in love with you. I think.
Now, here I am in an evening with Stacy, and she's going to ask me to give her computer back in a minute. She's writing a story, and needs to type. Man, I'm getting angry just thinking of how I can feel attacked by her in the next moment. I have problems. Expectations and assumptions about relationships. 'I do this, you do that. I say this, you say that. We do these sort of things together. I like these things, you like those things', etc, etc, etc. Everything is different with her, and I'm really suffering from a serious attitude-problem because of it, lol. God, I whine about everything.
God, tell me the grass is not greener on the other side. Tell me there is no other side. Tell me I'm right here in the middle of your will, or something like that. What is going on!!??
God, where am I? Am I dating Stacy, or am I not dating Stacy? Am I honest or am I a liar? What am I doing? What should I be doing? What is going on in this head of mine? Have I sinned and come to this kind of grief by wronging you? Are you building a wonderful thing here? Who am I? And what happened to my dreams? I feel so depressed. Walt says that depression is a form of self-centeredness, esp. if there is nothing good to get depressed about. Realizing that makes me feel like I can stand some more, on something :) but what is going on here that makes this keep coming back so much? I'm cyclical, and I'm getting tired of it. Something has got to budge.
I love you, and you seem to keep wanting me to go back to that. Or rather how much you love me. I had time this morning to realize that, but I ended up getting so much more angry about it when you wanted me to listen to you. Which probably explains why this day has been going so rotten for me, lol. You say, "Spend time with me!" and I say, "Hell no!" and then I wonder why I'm feeling pissy. LOL. I'm a moron. I'm also really missing you, and I'm trying so hard to not be in love with you. I think.
Now, here I am in an evening with Stacy, and she's going to ask me to give her computer back in a minute. She's writing a story, and needs to type. Man, I'm getting angry just thinking of how I can feel attacked by her in the next moment. I have problems. Expectations and assumptions about relationships. 'I do this, you do that. I say this, you say that. We do these sort of things together. I like these things, you like those things', etc, etc, etc. Everything is different with her, and I'm really suffering from a serious attitude-problem because of it, lol. God, I whine about everything.
God, tell me the grass is not greener on the other side. Tell me there is no other side. Tell me I'm right here in the middle of your will, or something like that. What is going on!!??