Thoughts on Italy from a gendered perspective
The more artistic nudes I see in Italian sculptures and paintings the more aware I am of the way I feel about my own gonads. Some would say it is only art, but feelings are connected to everything we see; even if its boredom. A reading assigned to me in my gender and women's studies class, Sexing the Body by Anne Fasto-Sterling, also brought my own feelings into perspective. The way she describes how intersexuals cannot identify with the gonads and reproductive characteristics they were assigned by surgeons only emphasized how I as well cannot relate to my own. For the longest time I've been avoiding looking at my own genitalia and I didn't realize it until today. Not even when I go to wash them do I look and masturbation is usually under the covers while in bed. I cannot associate with the male body because I do not see myself as male. It is hard to look in the mirror because I know I will find a male staring back at me instead of the woman that I feel is my true self. I am only a girl trapped in a mans body and find that through this torture that certain aspects of the gender dichotomy are ever present.
The city of Rome was hard for me to be in as most women were very pretty and stylish, women's clothing and accessories were everywhere, and many of the Renaissance and Baroque paintings accented the female form. It's not that I hate nudes, just the way they make me feel. Paintings of women are especially hard for me to look on. It's not because I lust after their beautiful bodies, but I wish to be the one viewed as that beautiful body. I wish to look like them and be in that position, posing for an artist. I wish to be desired. I can't have all these things while looking like a boy and I hate myself for it. I feel disgusting because I do not meet the impossible standard that I hold for myself. Even when I try I have a hard time thinking of myself in a way that is something beautiful. I just desire to be just another girl outside along with the inside that I feel I am already.
The town of Villa Vincintina has been a nice experience, though I have come to realize that since I am one of the 7 people that exclusively speaks english here that I am expected to converse with the others. This has been particularly hard since I find it hard to relate to my family members. I think this is because they think of me in a way that is predominantly masculine where I picture myself in a more feminine manner. I have heard my legal name so much but to tell you the truth the more often I hear it the less I have come to identify with it. No one uses my chosen name mostly because no one knows it exists except my mom, dad, brother, and grandmother. My aunt, uncle, cousin don't know that I'm a transgender woman. Even then the former four wont even use it because they refuse to acknowledge my gender difference. I'm depressed on this fact because I must continue to respond to a name that no longer suits the purpose it was originally intended to serve; to identify my hull of a body. My grandmother keeps making references to me acting in a masculine way and reasserting that it's OK and that I should enjoy the place men hold in society. No, it's not OK to me. To me that is a serious insult because I am making an effort (less here than in the states) to be more feminine and to pick up feminine mannerisms because it is how I desire to act. I want to be a lady and a bitch of one at that. I can't talk to her anymore because she throws my gender identity and desires in my face. I've never been more disrespected by her in my life until this trip. She's quite the old fashioned lady and sometimes it pisses me off that she can be closed minded. The people of Villa Vincintina have been kind, but how much of that is kindness and how much is show is yet to be seen.
When this trip is over tomorrow, it wont be too soon. My dysphoria has taken over and has shown that I cannot deal with being a boy for much longer. If I have to, so be it, but not by choice will I be a boy. Being able to have some time that is not around people will be a blessing to me because I am introverted and social interaction makes me a bit exhausted. Plus being around family who doesn't respect me for being me is quite infuriating as well. I'm going to take out a student loan so I can move out in the next month or so. You know it's only till I get out of school and as I see it I could be going to a private university where I have 12k to pay a quarter. I am lucky that I don't have to pay that much per semester. I figure a loan for 15k will do nicely till I graduate. Plus I'll be working too. Maybe 7k will be enough? Then get a job to start paying back my student debt. I'll figure it out eventually.
The city of Rome was hard for me to be in as most women were very pretty and stylish, women's clothing and accessories were everywhere, and many of the Renaissance and Baroque paintings accented the female form. It's not that I hate nudes, just the way they make me feel. Paintings of women are especially hard for me to look on. It's not because I lust after their beautiful bodies, but I wish to be the one viewed as that beautiful body. I wish to look like them and be in that position, posing for an artist. I wish to be desired. I can't have all these things while looking like a boy and I hate myself for it. I feel disgusting because I do not meet the impossible standard that I hold for myself. Even when I try I have a hard time thinking of myself in a way that is something beautiful. I just desire to be just another girl outside along with the inside that I feel I am already.
The town of Villa Vincintina has been a nice experience, though I have come to realize that since I am one of the 7 people that exclusively speaks english here that I am expected to converse with the others. This has been particularly hard since I find it hard to relate to my family members. I think this is because they think of me in a way that is predominantly masculine where I picture myself in a more feminine manner. I have heard my legal name so much but to tell you the truth the more often I hear it the less I have come to identify with it. No one uses my chosen name mostly because no one knows it exists except my mom, dad, brother, and grandmother. My aunt, uncle, cousin don't know that I'm a transgender woman. Even then the former four wont even use it because they refuse to acknowledge my gender difference. I'm depressed on this fact because I must continue to respond to a name that no longer suits the purpose it was originally intended to serve; to identify my hull of a body. My grandmother keeps making references to me acting in a masculine way and reasserting that it's OK and that I should enjoy the place men hold in society. No, it's not OK to me. To me that is a serious insult because I am making an effort (less here than in the states) to be more feminine and to pick up feminine mannerisms because it is how I desire to act. I want to be a lady and a bitch of one at that. I can't talk to her anymore because she throws my gender identity and desires in my face. I've never been more disrespected by her in my life until this trip. She's quite the old fashioned lady and sometimes it pisses me off that she can be closed minded. The people of Villa Vincintina have been kind, but how much of that is kindness and how much is show is yet to be seen.
When this trip is over tomorrow, it wont be too soon. My dysphoria has taken over and has shown that I cannot deal with being a boy for much longer. If I have to, so be it, but not by choice will I be a boy. Being able to have some time that is not around people will be a blessing to me because I am introverted and social interaction makes me a bit exhausted. Plus being around family who doesn't respect me for being me is quite infuriating as well. I'm going to take out a student loan so I can move out in the next month or so. You know it's only till I get out of school and as I see it I could be going to a private university where I have 12k to pay a quarter. I am lucky that I don't have to pay that much per semester. I figure a loan for 15k will do nicely till I graduate. Plus I'll be working too. Maybe 7k will be enough? Then get a job to start paying back my student debt. I'll figure it out eventually.