not so strong
So about a month ago someone was telling me their problem and i was doing the Janey thing and giving them advice with all my worldly knowledge. Then she said do you have any problems? Mentally? i think she seriously thought at that moment i was perfect with my place in the world. I know this might be a shock to some but JANEY HAS ISSUES!!!!! Since this is my journal and i can say whatever i want and only my true friends care about what i have to say im just putting it all out on the table.
1. I have issues with the way i look. I AM fat, If i was the other person looking at me i would seriously throw up. i try to make myself look presentable but you just dont know how many hours i can spend in the mirror trying to satisfy myself. finally i just give up. i know what my problem is when it comes to weight. i dont eat all day long then i pig out at night. I dont exercise at all. so mainly i starve my body all day long then when i do give it food it holds onto it because it knows its gonna be a long time before it gets more.Then instead of burning off all the calories im holding onto i sit on my fat ass cause i just fed my face and im so full i cant move. Now the soultion to fixing that seems simple but its not because of other issues i have.
2. when it comes to people face to face i can be shy or i can be out going. like the grocerie store guy i can talk to for hours and not have one moment when im frozen with fear that i said something stupid. why? cause hes not going to ever wanna hang out with me, he doesnt have time to judge me. If its a girl that i meet that i really think is cool and could hang out with... i shy away cause in my mind who wants to hang out with me? who wants to go to a bar or club and sit with me? cause you know im not getting up but to get another drink. there is no dancing or "working a room". fuck that im to scared of people thinking about how dumb i am, how fat i am, how 80ish i am etc. plus when it comes to being hurt my girlfriends are the ones who get me the most and hardest. Tina fucked me hard up the ass without a kiss. talked shit behind my back, tried to get me fired from my job so i could totally depend on her and i could talk about how "tina is so wonderful". Caressa who i thought was my friend used me as a baby sitter. used me to lie to her husband than used me to get her husband out of her life. Made it look like gabe was his all kinds of shit. these werent just fly by the seat of your pants kinda relationships either these are girls i knew for years and years. now with men i can be hurt but it doesnt scar me like women do. most are kniving bitches who will do anything to hurt you. while in the most part men do things on accident and end up hurting you. now on the phone or internet i can say exactly how i feel and i think i have pretty good advice but you cant seee meeeeeeeeeee. you have to judge me by my thoughts, by my insides. I will say i have that going for me i am a beautiful caring person on the inside. i would do anything for most people. but i just cant let myself get hurt by another bitch. and here i sit hurt by tim and im not telling him anything, which leads to #3
3. i hold shit in i feel like people who are dearest to me should know how i feel and what i like. Tim should know that mothers day is special to me.I AM a good mom maybe not the best and there is surely room for improvement. but i am way better at this mom thing than my egg donor was. I am my step moms daughter thru and thru. i am just like her in everyway. and if you know anything abotu ym family you know that im not a mother to 3 im a mother to 5. Michael, and Krystle depend on me more than most people know because they have my mom to deal with and all her problems. Tim KNOWS this shit. he is the one whos here when i have to take off in a split second to go have a talk with those kids. He sees how Krystle depends on me to get her out of the house all summer.He sees me cry when gabe brings me home a flower he grew at school just for me on mothers day. How i cuddle with hunter first thing every morning. How i get up with nathan all night and sit in the dark and tell him how much i love him. so why is it that he ruined my mothers day by asking me "is it alright that i go to basketball" so that fucking game is more important than me? you would rather do that then sit here with me tonight and watch this stupid movie about elvis presley so gabe knows elvis did more than drugs? I didnt need something from him to hold or feel with my hands. i needed him to show me on one day how special i am and show me how much he apprieciates me. I needed him to wake me up in the middle of the night like he use to rubbing on me not saying a word just silently telling me how much he needs to know im there. WTF did that romantic shit go? where did my massages without asking go? when he would be staring at me and when i ask what he would say "cant i stare at my beautiful wife".
so to answer the question of do i have any mental problems? yea i got alot. im an antisocial, fatass, pieces of shit who cant face the world cause i have issues with my looks, and how to deal with people. I know what tims problem is and even though he wont say it and none of my friends will say it because everyone wants to spare my feelings... i have become a nasty lard ass. i remember one time there was an extremely large man and im talking 500 lbs who had all his fat rolls neatly folded in his lap IN a wheelchair and i said to tim " there is me in a few years" his comment was it wont be "me pushing you". now that may sound mean but i have so failed him. he has sat here year after year seeing me expand and said nothing. not even when i have pissed him off has he EVER said anything about my weight. but i know i have gained so much weight that he cant look at me and say "cant i look at my beautiful wife" and he was all for marriage up untill a few years ago right after hunter was born. when i started getting fater and fater. i just want it all to stop. i want the pain of my looks to go away. im tired of it affecting my every move. but here i sit holding onto it so what the fuck am i crying about? if you want something done get off the couch lard ass @@
I am depressed, i DO need meds. I need to get a job so i feel like i can do something in this world and feel good about it.
DO NOT respond telling me im not fat or im so pretty PLEASE i KNOW what i see, i KNOW how i feel it on my small frame.and since im telling the truth you all dont see the whole package trust me. i only let you see the edited versions of shit
1. I have issues with the way i look. I AM fat, If i was the other person looking at me i would seriously throw up. i try to make myself look presentable but you just dont know how many hours i can spend in the mirror trying to satisfy myself. finally i just give up. i know what my problem is when it comes to weight. i dont eat all day long then i pig out at night. I dont exercise at all. so mainly i starve my body all day long then when i do give it food it holds onto it because it knows its gonna be a long time before it gets more.Then instead of burning off all the calories im holding onto i sit on my fat ass cause i just fed my face and im so full i cant move. Now the soultion to fixing that seems simple but its not because of other issues i have.
2. when it comes to people face to face i can be shy or i can be out going. like the grocerie store guy i can talk to for hours and not have one moment when im frozen with fear that i said something stupid. why? cause hes not going to ever wanna hang out with me, he doesnt have time to judge me. If its a girl that i meet that i really think is cool and could hang out with... i shy away cause in my mind who wants to hang out with me? who wants to go to a bar or club and sit with me? cause you know im not getting up but to get another drink. there is no dancing or "working a room". fuck that im to scared of people thinking about how dumb i am, how fat i am, how 80ish i am etc. plus when it comes to being hurt my girlfriends are the ones who get me the most and hardest. Tina fucked me hard up the ass without a kiss. talked shit behind my back, tried to get me fired from my job so i could totally depend on her and i could talk about how "tina is so wonderful". Caressa who i thought was my friend used me as a baby sitter. used me to lie to her husband than used me to get her husband out of her life. Made it look like gabe was his all kinds of shit. these werent just fly by the seat of your pants kinda relationships either these are girls i knew for years and years. now with men i can be hurt but it doesnt scar me like women do. most are kniving bitches who will do anything to hurt you. while in the most part men do things on accident and end up hurting you. now on the phone or internet i can say exactly how i feel and i think i have pretty good advice but you cant seee meeeeeeeeeee. you have to judge me by my thoughts, by my insides. I will say i have that going for me i am a beautiful caring person on the inside. i would do anything for most people. but i just cant let myself get hurt by another bitch. and here i sit hurt by tim and im not telling him anything, which leads to #3
3. i hold shit in i feel like people who are dearest to me should know how i feel and what i like. Tim should know that mothers day is special to me.I AM a good mom maybe not the best and there is surely room for improvement. but i am way better at this mom thing than my egg donor was. I am my step moms daughter thru and thru. i am just like her in everyway. and if you know anything abotu ym family you know that im not a mother to 3 im a mother to 5. Michael, and Krystle depend on me more than most people know because they have my mom to deal with and all her problems. Tim KNOWS this shit. he is the one whos here when i have to take off in a split second to go have a talk with those kids. He sees how Krystle depends on me to get her out of the house all summer.He sees me cry when gabe brings me home a flower he grew at school just for me on mothers day. How i cuddle with hunter first thing every morning. How i get up with nathan all night and sit in the dark and tell him how much i love him. so why is it that he ruined my mothers day by asking me "is it alright that i go to basketball" so that fucking game is more important than me? you would rather do that then sit here with me tonight and watch this stupid movie about elvis presley so gabe knows elvis did more than drugs? I didnt need something from him to hold or feel with my hands. i needed him to show me on one day how special i am and show me how much he apprieciates me. I needed him to wake me up in the middle of the night like he use to rubbing on me not saying a word just silently telling me how much he needs to know im there. WTF did that romantic shit go? where did my massages without asking go? when he would be staring at me and when i ask what he would say "cant i stare at my beautiful wife".
so to answer the question of do i have any mental problems? yea i got alot. im an antisocial, fatass, pieces of shit who cant face the world cause i have issues with my looks, and how to deal with people. I know what tims problem is and even though he wont say it and none of my friends will say it because everyone wants to spare my feelings... i have become a nasty lard ass. i remember one time there was an extremely large man and im talking 500 lbs who had all his fat rolls neatly folded in his lap IN a wheelchair and i said to tim " there is me in a few years" his comment was it wont be "me pushing you". now that may sound mean but i have so failed him. he has sat here year after year seeing me expand and said nothing. not even when i have pissed him off has he EVER said anything about my weight. but i know i have gained so much weight that he cant look at me and say "cant i look at my beautiful wife" and he was all for marriage up untill a few years ago right after hunter was born. when i started getting fater and fater. i just want it all to stop. i want the pain of my looks to go away. im tired of it affecting my every move. but here i sit holding onto it so what the fuck am i crying about? if you want something done get off the couch lard ass @@
I am depressed, i DO need meds. I need to get a job so i feel like i can do something in this world and feel good about it.
DO NOT respond telling me im not fat or im so pretty PLEASE i KNOW what i see, i KNOW how i feel it on my small frame.and since im telling the truth you all dont see the whole package trust me. i only let you see the edited versions of shit