Changes...?
I have realized that I have changed quite a bit over a period of time. Not a drastic change, but a gradual change. Im not quite sure if I fully agree with whom I have become... I think about changing things that I know are different but deep down I have realized that I dont want to change back. If you're reading this you must be thinking either "No Renee, you havent changed..." or "well everyone changes..." But I mean, its nothing MAJOR, its just the little things. Like I remember when I used to think cussing was one of the 7 deadly sins or something, now, no story is effective without at least one of those words. Or when I would HAVE to tell my mom EVERYTHING or else I thought somehow she would find out and I would be in big trouble. Now I tell my mom what she wants to hear and the whole time she thinks I am telling her everything. I dont really tell her much of anything, which is sad. And what I do tell her, I usually leave out the major details b/c I know what she would say if I told her everything and at this point I really dont care what she has to say about it. I dont mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I am about to graduate in May and I need to make my own decisions without her always telling me how 'bad' they are or 'why did you do that?' in a tone that just makes me so angry! Its my decision, I liked it, and its in the past so there is no way of changing it even if I wanted to. I mean, I dont even know if I still want to be a teacher or anything! That used to be all I could ever dream about and now, who cares? I also remember never missing church EVER. Not even if I was sick. But these days I just dont have the motivation to go much anymore. I dont know if its the whole 'youth group' or if its how Im beginning to feel, or what, but lately if I go its b/c I want/need to see someone there and tell them something. Lets see... I have been to MY church 2 times in the past 4 weeks I would say... this past Sunday I didnt even go to A church at all. CHIRSTMAS of all days, and I stayed home and slept. Everyone at church thinks I am this great obedient child; all I have to say is I am a good actor... I dont know what I have become or anything. I just know that I dont really want to change back. Im not saying I like who I am now, but I dont want to be who I used to be. One thing I know for sure, too, is that I have no motivation to change again. Im too lazy and Im partly scared. Scared- will I have to lose the one person I care most about and love, whom will it affect, what will it cost me? I dont know, maybe Im overreacting. But I doubt it. And if I do end up changing again will I end up with someone I dont love, with no kids, hating my job, and just settling? I DO NOT want that. I just dont know anymore....