**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS, ITS ME RANTING ABOUT BOYS**
**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS, ITS ME RANTING ABOUT BOYS**
(Only read if you are extremely bored, want to know about my past relationships, and aren’t going to bitch about me calling people out)
I have been doing a buttload of thinking and there are some things that I just can’t stop thinking about and I know that no one really cares about these things, but maybe if I type things, then I’ll stop thinking about them so much.
There was this guy named Tyler that I met when I was 16. I was completely in love with this kid. I swear I wanted to marry him and have his children. We wanted to be together but things would not have worked out because he was in North Dakota and I’m of course in Alabama. So we talked online and on the phone for the next three years. We both dated other people and got jealous of the others “people”. There was always this hope that things would work out and we’d be together and get married in the back of our minds. But I did something stupid that was too late to change once I realized how much I really cared about him. It doesn’t matter what I did, but I hurt him. I hurt the sweet Northern boy with the sexy accent that I was in love with. And that broke my heart, even though everything was my fault. I haven’t talked to Tyler in close to a year now. I came across some of his emails I had printed out and reading them made me cry. He was the sweetest guy; he was everything that I would want out of a relationship. I knew he cared about me. That’s what I want. I want someone to honestly care about me and show me that they care about me.
I’ve had nothing but sucky relationships in my life. None of the ones where you part on good term and you grow from the relationship and remain friends. You always say you’re going to stay friends, but it never works out that way. I think my problem is that I settle for anyone that likes me (almost) and I don’t take into consideration what I want or what God wants for me. I dated some guys off and on before having a serious relationship (kind of - what’s really considered “serious”??)
Daniel - I remember liking him in 8th grade and asking Sam to ask him if he liked me after church one Wednesday. He did, and we starting “going out”. Then we decided that he liked someone else more and broke up with me saying he didn’t want a girlfriend right now. Well the someone else didn’t want date him so we got back together. Things continued like this off and on through the beginning of 10th grade. We’d date, then he’d like someone else, break up with me using the same “I don’t want a relationship” excuse date the other girl and then somehow we’d always get back together. Why? I have no clue. Maybe it was just the simple fact of having a boyfriend. Hell, he even cheated on me and told me about it and I didn’t break up with him. Later he broke up with me to date “poof bangs” and that was the end of us.
Brent-I dated him for about 3 months. I’m not really sure how things started with us. We both worked together at Bruno’s the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years in High school. However it happened we started dating before school started and it was fine. Then school started and things were different and I kinda realized “Why in the heck am I dating him???” I didn’t know. I hadn’t broken up with anyone before, so I tried the whole being mean to him thing in a not so obvious way, thinking maybe he’d get mad and break up with me. Didn’t work. I’m also bad doing things in person, so I wrote him a note ( how nice, I know). Anyways, I gave him the note before 2nd period I think and on my way to lunch(4th period) he stops me in the hall way and hand me the note back and says “No, we’re not breaking up. Sorry.” WTF? Can he do that? Are you allowed to reject a rejection? He made me tell him in person that I didn’t want to date him. Good for him though. I never would have had the balls to do that.
James-I had liked James since I met him in 10th grade, we were in Drama 1 together even though he was a year older then. We got cast as Dr. and Mrs. Gibbs in the play OUR TOWN. We got to be married and have two kids and die before we even started dating. I liked him over the summer, but we didn’t talk or anything, so I started dating doffus ( see above). Well anyways after some talking to mutual friends ( then saying YES! He likes you and YES! She likes you too) we were walking to our cars after school one day and we walked by Shannon and she goes “Are you two together yet??” Omg was I embarrassed. The he goes “Yeah, about that… I have tickets to the John Mayer Concert….would you like to go?” Not only is that guy I like asking me out, but he’s inviting me to the John Mayer Concert…um… yeah! Anyways, we started dating on October 22, 2003 (sad that I remember that). I t was great while we were both in school ( me a junior and him a senior). We actually went out on dates and I’d go over to his house and watch movies most of the time. There wasn’t any pressure. It took us three months to kiss ( on Valentine’s Day- I was his first kiss). He’s an amazingly sweet boy and respects women like whoa, but he’s a boy and he like video games and star wars and D&D. And those things were a lot more important then me, or at least that was the way he made it seem. Like the time I cam over for his 18th birthday, I cam down to the basement and him and all his friends were playing Halo and Bo goes “omg a girl in the room!” So I went back and sat in the recliner and watched them play forever! Seriously about 2 hours later they get down with the game or something and James turns around, sees me and goes “oh Hi, when did you get here?” Yeah…We dated over the summer and only saw each other about once a week, sometimes more. Then school started back ( now I’m a senior in HS and he’s starting his first year of college at Montevallo and still living at home). We were both very busy and saw each other less then once a week now, since he had classes and work and I had school all day and was working two jobs. Hurricane Ivan came the day after my birthday and my family went over to his hours to wait out the storm. About a month later we were talking on the phone and I had really been thinking about saying things had to change because I was just unhappy with things. Well we were talking and his sister got on the phone and brought something up and James couldn’t remember my middle name or my birthday ( and that’s just something you should know, esp. after almost a year of dating). So that was the final thing that made me want to break up. So, we broke up on a Monday and that Friday was our one year anniversary (and the Homecoming Dance). The funny thing now is that we didn’t talk for about a year and now we talk online all the time, so I guess you could kind of say we did stay friends.
I didn’t have a boyfriend again until the first semester of college. I went on dates ( of sorts) with a couple guys but most turned out to be jerks ( Caleb, Scott, Stephen, & Chris). I thought coming to college would give me a new start with dating. Almost like a whole new group to pick from instead of the same people you have been in classes with for the last 12 years. I wanted a relationship so much that I think I would settle for almost anything.
Aaron- I met him through Southerners (sort of). He actually commented on Xanga and I IMed him on Aim today and we decided to met up at Dixon and talk in person. I looked like shit, but I went to Dixon and he came, walked right past me and didn’t even talk to me until I said something to him. Anyways we started talking and we when up to the mountain and talked until past 2 am. It was so refreshing. I felt like I had known him a long time and it made me happy. For the first week we talked every night until almost 3am. That Friday he came over to my dorm and we watched The Ring 2(well we tried to watch it, we kept laughing and talking) He asked me out that night. Things were good for the first two weeks and then things moved way to fast and we said things that we shouldn’t have said, and everything got too serious. That was both of our faults. He didn’t know how he felt about us, and I think I pushed too much for us to work things out. I think he knew it wasn’t working long before I was willing to give up, but I just kept holding on to something that wasn’t there anymore, or was never there in the first place. I don’t know if I was honestly “in love” with him, but I did care about him (and still do). Several times he told me he didn’t want to hurt me and I kept telling him that he wasn’t going to, but in the end he did. But it was my fault too. I think it just hurt more because of certain things that had happened and the fact that he said he wasn’t himself that whole semester. It almost seemed to me that he was just writing it off as nothing. I don’t know if he was really nothing to him because he “wasn’t himself” or if he meant anything he said. But it was something to be and I’m not going to just write it off. Our “friendship” now is fine online ( I’ve learned what not to say to him) But we don’t hang out a lot, we shouldn’t because we can’t not “ be stupid”. He’s still fairly awesome for a band geek.
I guess you learn things from everyone that is in your life. Everything happens for a reason and people are put into your life for a reason. Maybe I’ll figure this out later on. Everything that has happened this year has taught me something. I’m going to take Amber’s advice. I have amazing friends that I know love and care about me. I don’t need a guy to make me happy. I’m happy with who I am. I’m giving things over to God. Things are in his hands now as they always should have been. My relationship with him has gotten stronger this year. It needs to continue to grow and it is going to. I’ve done some praying about school, and where I’m going to end up. I feel that I finally have some direction and I know what I’m working towards and its something I want and something that I can do. I’m supper happy about that.
Well this is completely long and pointless to just about everyone. I feel better about things though. Kind of got everything off my chest. Sorry if I hurt anyones feelings, but hey there is a warning up top, plus it my journal, you’re not obligated to read it.
<3, jng
(Only read if you are extremely bored, want to know about my past relationships, and aren’t going to bitch about me calling people out)
I have been doing a buttload of thinking and there are some things that I just can’t stop thinking about and I know that no one really cares about these things, but maybe if I type things, then I’ll stop thinking about them so much.
There was this guy named Tyler that I met when I was 16. I was completely in love with this kid. I swear I wanted to marry him and have his children. We wanted to be together but things would not have worked out because he was in North Dakota and I’m of course in Alabama. So we talked online and on the phone for the next three years. We both dated other people and got jealous of the others “people”. There was always this hope that things would work out and we’d be together and get married in the back of our minds. But I did something stupid that was too late to change once I realized how much I really cared about him. It doesn’t matter what I did, but I hurt him. I hurt the sweet Northern boy with the sexy accent that I was in love with. And that broke my heart, even though everything was my fault. I haven’t talked to Tyler in close to a year now. I came across some of his emails I had printed out and reading them made me cry. He was the sweetest guy; he was everything that I would want out of a relationship. I knew he cared about me. That’s what I want. I want someone to honestly care about me and show me that they care about me.
I’ve had nothing but sucky relationships in my life. None of the ones where you part on good term and you grow from the relationship and remain friends. You always say you’re going to stay friends, but it never works out that way. I think my problem is that I settle for anyone that likes me (almost) and I don’t take into consideration what I want or what God wants for me. I dated some guys off and on before having a serious relationship (kind of - what’s really considered “serious”??)
Daniel - I remember liking him in 8th grade and asking Sam to ask him if he liked me after church one Wednesday. He did, and we starting “going out”. Then we decided that he liked someone else more and broke up with me saying he didn’t want a girlfriend right now. Well the someone else didn’t want date him so we got back together. Things continued like this off and on through the beginning of 10th grade. We’d date, then he’d like someone else, break up with me using the same “I don’t want a relationship” excuse date the other girl and then somehow we’d always get back together. Why? I have no clue. Maybe it was just the simple fact of having a boyfriend. Hell, he even cheated on me and told me about it and I didn’t break up with him. Later he broke up with me to date “poof bangs” and that was the end of us.
Brent-I dated him for about 3 months. I’m not really sure how things started with us. We both worked together at Bruno’s the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years in High school. However it happened we started dating before school started and it was fine. Then school started and things were different and I kinda realized “Why in the heck am I dating him???” I didn’t know. I hadn’t broken up with anyone before, so I tried the whole being mean to him thing in a not so obvious way, thinking maybe he’d get mad and break up with me. Didn’t work. I’m also bad doing things in person, so I wrote him a note ( how nice, I know). Anyways, I gave him the note before 2nd period I think and on my way to lunch(4th period) he stops me in the hall way and hand me the note back and says “No, we’re not breaking up. Sorry.” WTF? Can he do that? Are you allowed to reject a rejection? He made me tell him in person that I didn’t want to date him. Good for him though. I never would have had the balls to do that.
James-I had liked James since I met him in 10th grade, we were in Drama 1 together even though he was a year older then. We got cast as Dr. and Mrs. Gibbs in the play OUR TOWN. We got to be married and have two kids and die before we even started dating. I liked him over the summer, but we didn’t talk or anything, so I started dating doffus ( see above). Well anyways after some talking to mutual friends ( then saying YES! He likes you and YES! She likes you too) we were walking to our cars after school one day and we walked by Shannon and she goes “Are you two together yet??” Omg was I embarrassed. The he goes “Yeah, about that… I have tickets to the John Mayer Concert….would you like to go?” Not only is that guy I like asking me out, but he’s inviting me to the John Mayer Concert…um… yeah! Anyways, we started dating on October 22, 2003 (sad that I remember that). I t was great while we were both in school ( me a junior and him a senior). We actually went out on dates and I’d go over to his house and watch movies most of the time. There wasn’t any pressure. It took us three months to kiss ( on Valentine’s Day- I was his first kiss). He’s an amazingly sweet boy and respects women like whoa, but he’s a boy and he like video games and star wars and D&D. And those things were a lot more important then me, or at least that was the way he made it seem. Like the time I cam over for his 18th birthday, I cam down to the basement and him and all his friends were playing Halo and Bo goes “omg a girl in the room!” So I went back and sat in the recliner and watched them play forever! Seriously about 2 hours later they get down with the game or something and James turns around, sees me and goes “oh Hi, when did you get here?” Yeah…We dated over the summer and only saw each other about once a week, sometimes more. Then school started back ( now I’m a senior in HS and he’s starting his first year of college at Montevallo and still living at home). We were both very busy and saw each other less then once a week now, since he had classes and work and I had school all day and was working two jobs. Hurricane Ivan came the day after my birthday and my family went over to his hours to wait out the storm. About a month later we were talking on the phone and I had really been thinking about saying things had to change because I was just unhappy with things. Well we were talking and his sister got on the phone and brought something up and James couldn’t remember my middle name or my birthday ( and that’s just something you should know, esp. after almost a year of dating). So that was the final thing that made me want to break up. So, we broke up on a Monday and that Friday was our one year anniversary (and the Homecoming Dance). The funny thing now is that we didn’t talk for about a year and now we talk online all the time, so I guess you could kind of say we did stay friends.
I didn’t have a boyfriend again until the first semester of college. I went on dates ( of sorts) with a couple guys but most turned out to be jerks ( Caleb, Scott, Stephen, & Chris). I thought coming to college would give me a new start with dating. Almost like a whole new group to pick from instead of the same people you have been in classes with for the last 12 years. I wanted a relationship so much that I think I would settle for almost anything.
Aaron- I met him through Southerners (sort of). He actually commented on Xanga and I IMed him on Aim today and we decided to met up at Dixon and talk in person. I looked like shit, but I went to Dixon and he came, walked right past me and didn’t even talk to me until I said something to him. Anyways we started talking and we when up to the mountain and talked until past 2 am. It was so refreshing. I felt like I had known him a long time and it made me happy. For the first week we talked every night until almost 3am. That Friday he came over to my dorm and we watched The Ring 2(well we tried to watch it, we kept laughing and talking) He asked me out that night. Things were good for the first two weeks and then things moved way to fast and we said things that we shouldn’t have said, and everything got too serious. That was both of our faults. He didn’t know how he felt about us, and I think I pushed too much for us to work things out. I think he knew it wasn’t working long before I was willing to give up, but I just kept holding on to something that wasn’t there anymore, or was never there in the first place. I don’t know if I was honestly “in love” with him, but I did care about him (and still do). Several times he told me he didn’t want to hurt me and I kept telling him that he wasn’t going to, but in the end he did. But it was my fault too. I think it just hurt more because of certain things that had happened and the fact that he said he wasn’t himself that whole semester. It almost seemed to me that he was just writing it off as nothing. I don’t know if he was really nothing to him because he “wasn’t himself” or if he meant anything he said. But it was something to be and I’m not going to just write it off. Our “friendship” now is fine online ( I’ve learned what not to say to him) But we don’t hang out a lot, we shouldn’t because we can’t not “ be stupid”. He’s still fairly awesome for a band geek.
I guess you learn things from everyone that is in your life. Everything happens for a reason and people are put into your life for a reason. Maybe I’ll figure this out later on. Everything that has happened this year has taught me something. I’m going to take Amber’s advice. I have amazing friends that I know love and care about me. I don’t need a guy to make me happy. I’m happy with who I am. I’m giving things over to God. Things are in his hands now as they always should have been. My relationship with him has gotten stronger this year. It needs to continue to grow and it is going to. I’ve done some praying about school, and where I’m going to end up. I feel that I finally have some direction and I know what I’m working towards and its something I want and something that I can do. I’m supper happy about that.
Well this is completely long and pointless to just about everyone. I feel better about things though. Kind of got everything off my chest. Sorry if I hurt anyones feelings, but hey there is a warning up top, plus it my journal, you’re not obligated to read it.
<3, jng