(no subject)
i know all i talk about these days is how weird it is to be home, or be going home, or whatever. it's most of what my thoughts are consumed with when i'm quiet. i am SO excited to get married and i'm learning that i've become a different person. i can't live with one foot in each reality--the two being high school and adulthood. it's just weird to come back to my room though. it's weird to lay on my bed and feel like i never left i'm totally weirded out by how bare the walls look, how there are no more pictures or memories. how most of it is filled with wedding presents and assorted crap that doesn't fit anywhere else in the house. i bet it's weird for my mom to stash her clothes in my nearly empty closet.
in a very surreal way though, it feels right. it feels okay. if home is where my heart is, then it's mostly in california, and it will be leaving for oregon tomorrow. but i think it will be many years before home really doesn't mean chicago, doesn't mean 4241 n. sturbridge, doesn't mean the lake in the backyard, doesn't mean a furry yellow dog wagging her tail.
i love it and i hate it, this coming home business. i love walking through the door and smelling what the house smells like because i didn't notice it every day when i lived here. i love reconnecting and waving to neighbors who have known me since forever, who want to know how school is. i hate that it is not truly home anymore and that i must leave. it is hard, because i have changed. todd says that i have become a different person than i was three years ago. i think he's right. sometimes it's just hard to find where i fit here, because the spot that's been reserved doesn't fit me anymore.
i haven't yet wrapped my head around the idea that there are places that exist only in memory. perhaps that is why i have never gone into trinity after may of 2004, and why i refuse to look at mod a4 when i walk to the health center. if i don't acknowledge that other people live there now, it's just as likely that my stuff, my roommates will still be there. this though, i will have to acknowledge. i will come back over the years, i will accept that it is gone, that the place i knew as my room exists only in memory and pictures. not tonight though. until december 22nd, it is still my space. altered, transformed, yes. but still mine.
growing up is hard.
in a very surreal way though, it feels right. it feels okay. if home is where my heart is, then it's mostly in california, and it will be leaving for oregon tomorrow. but i think it will be many years before home really doesn't mean chicago, doesn't mean 4241 n. sturbridge, doesn't mean the lake in the backyard, doesn't mean a furry yellow dog wagging her tail.
i love it and i hate it, this coming home business. i love walking through the door and smelling what the house smells like because i didn't notice it every day when i lived here. i love reconnecting and waving to neighbors who have known me since forever, who want to know how school is. i hate that it is not truly home anymore and that i must leave. it is hard, because i have changed. todd says that i have become a different person than i was three years ago. i think he's right. sometimes it's just hard to find where i fit here, because the spot that's been reserved doesn't fit me anymore.
i haven't yet wrapped my head around the idea that there are places that exist only in memory. perhaps that is why i have never gone into trinity after may of 2004, and why i refuse to look at mod a4 when i walk to the health center. if i don't acknowledge that other people live there now, it's just as likely that my stuff, my roommates will still be there. this though, i will have to acknowledge. i will come back over the years, i will accept that it is gone, that the place i knew as my room exists only in memory and pictures. not tonight though. until december 22nd, it is still my space. altered, transformed, yes. but still mine.
growing up is hard.