scattered truth
this is partially in response to matt's post...i had some thoughts of my own that i've been working on sorting through. they may or may not be related to his, and it's entirely possible i missed what he was saying. i think he'll understand, though.
the more i learn, the less i realize i know...additionally, the "deeper" of a christian i become, the more i realize i suck like hell.
i've felt like an alien on campus the past three days. i don't feel like i fit at all, anywhere, i don't look like the processed-looking blondes and i rarely see anyone i know anymore. everyone else is happy, talking in groups, and i'm busy being nauseated and frustrated by the lack of depth i perceive anywhere. i absolutely can't wait for the end of the day to come, so i can leave and go back to the "real world." i'm tired of being accused of being negative. maybe i am, or maybe i've been observing all the world's shit and calling it what it is. given that it is shit, it's difficult to make it pretty and positive. i'm tired of the facade i see everywhere, in people, mostly, but i feel it in chapel and pretty much everywhere else i look (for the record, i'm aware that it's primarily my own assumptions. i'm trying to figure it out.)
when i lived in la and worked with the homies, i understood jesus a little better. these were rotten men who did evil things. they were hardened and they knew their place in society: they belonged at the bottom. as i grew in relationship with them, i asked why they didn't go to church. across the board, the answer was overwhelmingly "they don't accept people like me." they knew who they were and were actively working to change, but didn't put up false pretenses or image-manage all the time. and it hit me hard, that jesus loved these men because they weren't prideful, they weren't stuck on their own prim goodness, they couldn't even consider that someone loved them unconditionally. i get why jesus liked the scum, and why i tend to prefer scum myself, though i unfortunately fall into the primly good category. typically i'm far too impressed with my own intellect and morality and "spiritual growth" to be of much use to god.
it struck me today as i was sitting on the lawn on west campus, looking at the white buildings sparkling in the afternoon sun and library and moat and supposedly-$18,000-a-pop white columns and parking lot full of lovely cars, it's so clean. would jesus be comfortable here in my environment of white, upper-middle class privilege? who i picture to be a thinnish man, dressed in not-cool clothes, maybe a bit dirty and smelly from days spent hanging out with hookers and drug dealers and homeless outcasts? those aren't clean places, where those people hang out. they smell like urine, cigarette butts, old beer. i know, i walked past them every day for a semester. i don't know. my gut reaction is no, he wouldn't be. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions. but if i'm right, then what the hell am i doing there? i feel increasingly more uncomfortable surrounded by people (again, my assumption) who are satisfied by what they have and are content to be spoon-fed into living a life of suburban mediocrity. i get angry because i see people everywhere who don't take things seriously, and as i mentioned a few entries ago, looking on the inside isn't much brighter. i suck at loving people, really...sometimes i question if i know what it means. i get negative and frustrated because i am confused about where i'm going and most of my observations and thoughts don't seem to be very coherent. even if i am onto something about the spiritual decline of apu's so-called community (the use of which practically makes my blood boil because it's so cheaply thrown around) nobody would listen to me. i sincerely doubt the administration gives two shits about what the students think. anyway, i think i've reduced this to ranting now. i don't know what to do or where to go from here. i don't really want to spend my senior alienated or incensed with apu and thus feeling like an angry global studies major (although i must admit, much of what i learned is making an awful lot of sense nowadays) but I FEEL STUCK. i feel like things are wrong and i can't fix it.
i thought i was supposed to have it together by now, i mean, we're graduating in 8 months.
the more i learn, the less i realize i know...additionally, the "deeper" of a christian i become, the more i realize i suck like hell.
i've felt like an alien on campus the past three days. i don't feel like i fit at all, anywhere, i don't look like the processed-looking blondes and i rarely see anyone i know anymore. everyone else is happy, talking in groups, and i'm busy being nauseated and frustrated by the lack of depth i perceive anywhere. i absolutely can't wait for the end of the day to come, so i can leave and go back to the "real world." i'm tired of being accused of being negative. maybe i am, or maybe i've been observing all the world's shit and calling it what it is. given that it is shit, it's difficult to make it pretty and positive. i'm tired of the facade i see everywhere, in people, mostly, but i feel it in chapel and pretty much everywhere else i look (for the record, i'm aware that it's primarily my own assumptions. i'm trying to figure it out.)
when i lived in la and worked with the homies, i understood jesus a little better. these were rotten men who did evil things. they were hardened and they knew their place in society: they belonged at the bottom. as i grew in relationship with them, i asked why they didn't go to church. across the board, the answer was overwhelmingly "they don't accept people like me." they knew who they were and were actively working to change, but didn't put up false pretenses or image-manage all the time. and it hit me hard, that jesus loved these men because they weren't prideful, they weren't stuck on their own prim goodness, they couldn't even consider that someone loved them unconditionally. i get why jesus liked the scum, and why i tend to prefer scum myself, though i unfortunately fall into the primly good category. typically i'm far too impressed with my own intellect and morality and "spiritual growth" to be of much use to god.
it struck me today as i was sitting on the lawn on west campus, looking at the white buildings sparkling in the afternoon sun and library and moat and supposedly-$18,000-a-pop white columns and parking lot full of lovely cars, it's so clean. would jesus be comfortable here in my environment of white, upper-middle class privilege? who i picture to be a thinnish man, dressed in not-cool clothes, maybe a bit dirty and smelly from days spent hanging out with hookers and drug dealers and homeless outcasts? those aren't clean places, where those people hang out. they smell like urine, cigarette butts, old beer. i know, i walked past them every day for a semester. i don't know. my gut reaction is no, he wouldn't be. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions. but if i'm right, then what the hell am i doing there? i feel increasingly more uncomfortable surrounded by people (again, my assumption) who are satisfied by what they have and are content to be spoon-fed into living a life of suburban mediocrity. i get angry because i see people everywhere who don't take things seriously, and as i mentioned a few entries ago, looking on the inside isn't much brighter. i suck at loving people, really...sometimes i question if i know what it means. i get negative and frustrated because i am confused about where i'm going and most of my observations and thoughts don't seem to be very coherent. even if i am onto something about the spiritual decline of apu's so-called community (the use of which practically makes my blood boil because it's so cheaply thrown around) nobody would listen to me. i sincerely doubt the administration gives two shits about what the students think. anyway, i think i've reduced this to ranting now. i don't know what to do or where to go from here. i don't really want to spend my senior alienated or incensed with apu and thus feeling like an angry global studies major (although i must admit, much of what i learned is making an awful lot of sense nowadays) but I FEEL STUCK. i feel like things are wrong and i can't fix it.
i thought i was supposed to have it together by now, i mean, we're graduating in 8 months.