u n o p e n e d l e t t e r t o t h e w o r l d ..*
So I'm in university now. This thing has been used the past four years as an escape goat to talk about how we all feel. Just the three of us. Unknown to the world and just for us. it all seems so long ago in grade 9 that calla told me to get it in order for us three to talk to each other. Over the years we've all changed in different ways and taken different paths.
My first semester of school is done, and I feel as though I've done nothing. I'm so scared for my marks and my habits. I want to be able to keep the friends I've made. I'm afraid of them not wantin gto be like friends w. me I don't know why. Its coz of my lazy habits like sleeping in and stuff. I want to change but its hard. I'm determined to in the new year but you never know. Everyone here can seem so superficial sometimes. Money is weighed so heavily. I literally talked to someone today about how because someone wore skinny jeans that made them fashionable. I was like wtf are you talking about they look stupid like leggings and they were like whatever thats fashion. And then I was saying how good axe & swiss army smells and they were like I don't use that kind of stuff I use hollister and Lacoste, its like wtf man designer labels aren't everything> i miss our friends and how they didn't care what you wore, or if it was designer they thought it was awesome if it was cheap. It kept me centered it kept me grounded. I wouldn't spend lots because I knew it was pointless. Sometimes I'd even feel ashamed if it was a little bit more than I should have paid if somebody asked. It's so frustrating.
And with guys, so university is supposed to be where it all changes. Why do I pick the wrong ones, always. Like why do I like jackasses who aren't even that nice. And I hate to say it I really do, because if I say it it makes it true. But sometimes I feel like will I ever find someone. It seems so far ago that I was truly happy. Not that I'm not happy now but sometimes you want someone in your life. And i hate that because I don't want to be dependent on a guy, I don't want my happiness to be dictated by a boy. I hate that this is what I want. I feel so stupid and petty in some ways. I've done fine so far why can't I continue, right? But then I'm like its been two years since I had someone, since I felt love, I miss that feeling. Today I helped my friend make something for his girlfriend. I miss doing that. My roomate is making a scrapbook for her bf. I feel like its all around me. Everyone has someone except me. Whether its serious or not they have someone to look forward to the next day. I spend time with perkins Lo, and popowich the most and they all do. I haven't had someone in forever. And I feel like that was my great love. I milked it for all its worth and its never goign to happen again. i'm so scorned from the last one that I don't even want another. If i was to be in a relationship I could never let myself be open again, not one bit. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, but I feel as though I can never be in that place again, all because I know the pain i felt at the end. I hate hopoing that soemone will come along. but i truly don't think it will happen ever again.
And its that feeling that hurts the most.
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Excuse my emo-ness
Sometimes we all just need to embrace it to display our inability of what we want to do
My first semester of school is done, and I feel as though I've done nothing. I'm so scared for my marks and my habits. I want to be able to keep the friends I've made. I'm afraid of them not wantin gto be like friends w. me I don't know why. Its coz of my lazy habits like sleeping in and stuff. I want to change but its hard. I'm determined to in the new year but you never know. Everyone here can seem so superficial sometimes. Money is weighed so heavily. I literally talked to someone today about how because someone wore skinny jeans that made them fashionable. I was like wtf are you talking about they look stupid like leggings and they were like whatever thats fashion. And then I was saying how good axe & swiss army smells and they were like I don't use that kind of stuff I use hollister and Lacoste, its like wtf man designer labels aren't everything> i miss our friends and how they didn't care what you wore, or if it was designer they thought it was awesome if it was cheap. It kept me centered it kept me grounded. I wouldn't spend lots because I knew it was pointless. Sometimes I'd even feel ashamed if it was a little bit more than I should have paid if somebody asked. It's so frustrating.
And with guys, so university is supposed to be where it all changes. Why do I pick the wrong ones, always. Like why do I like jackasses who aren't even that nice. And I hate to say it I really do, because if I say it it makes it true. But sometimes I feel like will I ever find someone. It seems so far ago that I was truly happy. Not that I'm not happy now but sometimes you want someone in your life. And i hate that because I don't want to be dependent on a guy, I don't want my happiness to be dictated by a boy. I hate that this is what I want. I feel so stupid and petty in some ways. I've done fine so far why can't I continue, right? But then I'm like its been two years since I had someone, since I felt love, I miss that feeling. Today I helped my friend make something for his girlfriend. I miss doing that. My roomate is making a scrapbook for her bf. I feel like its all around me. Everyone has someone except me. Whether its serious or not they have someone to look forward to the next day. I spend time with perkins Lo, and popowich the most and they all do. I haven't had someone in forever. And I feel like that was my great love. I milked it for all its worth and its never goign to happen again. i'm so scorned from the last one that I don't even want another. If i was to be in a relationship I could never let myself be open again, not one bit. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, but I feel as though I can never be in that place again, all because I know the pain i felt at the end. I hate hopoing that soemone will come along. but i truly don't think it will happen ever again.
And its that feeling that hurts the most.
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Excuse my emo-ness
Sometimes we all just need to embrace it to display our inability of what we want to do