Orange and Linen Blossoms
Warning: This is not important. Only read this if you have a ridiculous amount of time on your hands. Or you really want to procrastinate homework...
The world is not just black and white. I am perfectly aware of this an infact embrace this. God life would suck if the answer to everything were only right or wrong [even math doesn't always work that way anymore]. But right now my life is grey. In every essence. Not even various shades of grey, just grey.
I just recieved a letter from the camp i auditioned from the day after turnabout. I've spent the past month planning my summer around either making it or not making it. As i began to open the letter I even visualized my different reactions to both circumstances. And then I opened it... not to get a yes or a no, but a maybe. I'm on the waiting list, along with 49 other people which is amazing because they audition nation wide. I'm honored, i really am. This would be the chance of a lifetime, and even to audition was a great experience for me. But part of me almost wishes that i'd just gotten rejected. There's no room for false hope, but there's also no room for false doubt. I can spend hours at a time contemplating this but the matter is out of my hands.
If you know any portion of my history with guys... you'd understand two things.
1. I have huge anxiety issues and
2. I'm bipolar.
I've just realized that i've liked this same guy for over a month. I've never even had a relationship that long. And yes, i've spent a lot of time thinking about this... and i don't just like the idea of him. There are sooo many reasons why i should like him, and that's not the reason i do. I like him because... well... I can't even really explain it. I've tried to get over it, but i can't get over something if i'm not rejected. And i don't want to be, like i don't care if there isn't ever a relationship. I may be going on false hope here... but so be it. So long as I have some sort of feelings i know that i'm... human. I'm not bipolar, everything about me has sort of balanced out.
I would do anything to make this work. But i don't know what there is to do. And i mean that about both of the things i just talked about... and pretty much every other aspect of my life. I feel like everythings in the hands of fate, and i'm just a piece on a gameboard... and i don't like it.
Well i guess i'll leave on that note. Even my lj posts are bland.
The world is not just black and white. I am perfectly aware of this an infact embrace this. God life would suck if the answer to everything were only right or wrong [even math doesn't always work that way anymore]. But right now my life is grey. In every essence. Not even various shades of grey, just grey.
I just recieved a letter from the camp i auditioned from the day after turnabout. I've spent the past month planning my summer around either making it or not making it. As i began to open the letter I even visualized my different reactions to both circumstances. And then I opened it... not to get a yes or a no, but a maybe. I'm on the waiting list, along with 49 other people which is amazing because they audition nation wide. I'm honored, i really am. This would be the chance of a lifetime, and even to audition was a great experience for me. But part of me almost wishes that i'd just gotten rejected. There's no room for false hope, but there's also no room for false doubt. I can spend hours at a time contemplating this but the matter is out of my hands.
If you know any portion of my history with guys... you'd understand two things.
1. I have huge anxiety issues and
2. I'm bipolar.
I've just realized that i've liked this same guy for over a month. I've never even had a relationship that long. And yes, i've spent a lot of time thinking about this... and i don't just like the idea of him. There are sooo many reasons why i should like him, and that's not the reason i do. I like him because... well... I can't even really explain it. I've tried to get over it, but i can't get over something if i'm not rejected. And i don't want to be, like i don't care if there isn't ever a relationship. I may be going on false hope here... but so be it. So long as I have some sort of feelings i know that i'm... human. I'm not bipolar, everything about me has sort of balanced out.
I would do anything to make this work. But i don't know what there is to do. And i mean that about both of the things i just talked about... and pretty much every other aspect of my life. I feel like everythings in the hands of fate, and i'm just a piece on a gameboard... and i don't like it.
Well i guess i'll leave on that note. Even my lj posts are bland.