Somewhat Damaged
Appolgies for the bad CSS. LJ seems to strip 'position:absolute'. Intended layout was: http://shadowplay.homeunix.com/ubuntu/testabs.html
So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything
So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything
Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete
Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead
Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore
In the back off the side far away is a place where I hide where i
Stay tried to stay tried to ask I needed to all alone by myself where were you?
How could I ever think its funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you
Would always say well make it through then my head fell apart
And where were you?
How could I ever think its funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through
Didnt quite fall apart
Where the fuck where you?
~"Somewhat Damaged", Nine Inch Nails
Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete
Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead
Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore
In the back off the side far away is a place where I hide where i
Stay tried to stay tried to ask I needed to all alone by myself where were you?
How could I ever think its funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you
Would always say well make it through then my head fell apart
And where were you?
How could I ever think its funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through
Didnt quite fall apart
Where the fuck where you?
~"Somewhat Damaged", Nine Inch Nails
A cognitive-behavioral machine that compares itself to irrelevant standards of greatness only to predictably self-destruct is indeed obsolete. Tweaking the neurotransmitters and replacing it with a machine that hides-off in the side, far away from potentially debilitating feelings doesn't quite fix the problems. It patches up the symptoms, and packages them away, and granted, when the machine is wound-up and set on a well-maintained forward track, it chugs along convincingly. Drop the same machine in a still, isolated lake however, and it will just sit there and rust for the better part of eighteen months. All the festering emotional stuff that was nicely placed out of harm's way *could have* -- had it found a way out its pharmaceutically locked safe -- burned hot in the engine to help it power itself out of suspended animation. Of course it could also have just burned itself out like a fiery ouroboros, melting the whole damn thing into a slag.
I really need to get in touch with my anxiety, passions, and even depression again. Ten years ago I lacked the tools to deal with them. Now I have the tools, and perhaps it's time I reduced my SSNRI dosage so as to have some emotional raw material to work with.
The old machine is obsolete for sure, but the new one is clearly inadequate as well. It's time to take steps back towards the person I used to be. Time to stop being scared of being scared, scarred, inadequate and lonely. Fear can motivate fight as well as flight. Emotional scar tissue can be maintained without allowing it to hemorrhage. Lacking a sense of inadequacy, I've found it hard to fuel ambition. And without the vacuum of loneliness, I'm not going to gasp to breathe in fulfillment.
Where the fuck *was* I, the last ten years? Ich, ich, ich: I itch for you now.